#47 - Back to the Future

This cover is nothing but lies.



The glass those men are carrying is in the future.

Times are hard, guys. We're in the middle of a recession; gas prices keep going up; and the best way businesses can think to further technology... is through cellphones. Yep, this is not the future we had all hoped for when we were kids, but hey! At least we can all have a little escapism with the power of Back to the Future for the NES! But wait... clock collecting in a suburban nightmare, while avoiding befuddled insects and  thick-necked strongmen? Malt shops in the 1980's? AGH! What kind of horrible alternate reality is this?
Back to the Future was a movie, and a fairly good '80's movie from what I recall. I can't honestly remember it that well because it's been a while since I saw it. HOWEVER!!!!... however, I know that LJN did everything in their power to destroy whatever goodness the movie contained. This game doesn't make any sense, and that's all folks. You play as Marty and you collect clocks. Make it through about four stages of clock-collecting madness and you enter a "bonus" round where you throw malts at Biff and Other Biff and Biff Again. But wait, if you lose a "bonus" round, you have to start at the previous stage. Unlike any other bonus round in any game ever (save Beauty and the Beast for Super NES - another game that's powerful tough), where if you "die" within it, you move on to the next stage, LJN asked themselves, "You know what would make this game even more terrible? Bonus rounds where you CAN'T advance!" Cue businessmen laughter, cigar smoke, and Satan collecting some contracts.

Seriously, I did not make it past the bonus stage. I tried, oh Lord, I tried. It becomes painful repeating the same bland level over and over again before making it to the malt shop, only to have Biff Cubed throw you into the malt-shop door. It would be one thing if the levels were enjoyable. The stages are reminiscent of Paperboy, in that the screen is constantly moving and you have to avoid the retarded throng of people that delight in throwing themselves in the way of your quest to become the Master of Clocks: Future Destroyer Extraordinaire. Controls are good (yes, good!), until you get to the malt shop, where Marty's movements stick like yesterday's malt droppings. Graphics are up to crappy LJN standards, as is the music, which is apparently a poorly rendered version of a song played in the movie. Either way, it's not one to hum to yourself in the shower.

When I was young, I dreamed of cruising around in a Delorean through time. I dreamed of bringing my mom and my dad together so that they would have me in the future. I dreamed of hanging out with a crazy mad scientist; a man that, despite his madness, would have good chemistry with me. Instead I received clocks... hundreds and hundreds of clocks. What does it all mean? It means that somewhere, somehow LJN received some of the best licenses for the NES, and promptly took a dump on them, destroying the innocent hearts and minds of children everywhere in the '80s.

F