#293 - Ice Climber

                                      That polar bear had it coming, I'm sure.

When you die, you turn into a snowflake! Not pictured: your character, your death, or any sign of a snowflake.

If there was ever a doubt that Nintendo didn't come up with some downright crazy gaming concepts back in the day, let Ice Climber forever silence those doubts. Depending on whether you choose single-player or two-player, you select either the blue or red ice climber. Your goal is to ascend one of thirty-two mountains, each with eight different levels of ice to "climb" through, among other various perils. Plushy ice creatures, big red birds, and polar bears with sunglasses are your enemies in your desire for mountain conquest. The plushies will fix any holes that you're trying to use to ascend the mountain, the birds will fly obnoxiously around your head, as birds do, and the polar bears will push you off whatever level of the mountain you're on, if you can't kill them first. Whoever said conquering mountains was easy? After you climb past the waves of enemies, you enter a bonus round, where you can climb even higher to the very top of the stage, all the while collecting vegetables for points (Nintendo really had a thing for vegetables back in '85, didn't they?). Should you make it to the top, you then jump onto the hooks of a pterodactyl that's randomly flying around and – ta-dah – 20,000 bonus points is you! True story: I readily accepted every facet of this game as normal when I was a child.

Ice Climberis a moderately fun relic of the past. The game's at its prime with an additional player helping (or hindering) your ascent, but even in one-player, there are some good times to be had. However, while each of the thirty-two mountains has a slightly different layout, you will begin to experience deja vu very quickly. Your tolerance for this game will vary depending on your love for well-timed jumps and how well you can master the unnaturally slippy controls. Yes, you are an eskimo standing atop sheets of ice, but that doesn't mean every step you take has to mean instant death. Also, being able to select any stage you wish on the opening screen takes away some of the challenge. Still, for one of the first NES games ever released in the States, Ice Climberholds up surprisingly well.

B-

FUN FACT: The plushy ice creatures were originally seals in Japan. Since clubbing seals isn't looked too kindly upon here in the States, Nintendo rightly changed the enemies (I guess clubbing snooty, sunglasses-wearing panda bears was ok at the time). I, however, grew up clubbing seals, thanks to my bootleg copy of Ice Climber contained on a 42-N-1 cartridge from Thailand. Don't worry: I have yet to club – or even desire to club - one seal in my non-virtual life, leading me once again to believe that video game violence does not lead to random acts of violence in the real world.

#292 - Hydlide

                            A technically decent, if not completely boring cover.

                    No EXP, eh? My friend, you're in this journey for the long haul...

Hydlidelives up (or down) to the hype: it is a broken, frustrating, and most importantly, tedious action/RPG. From the fifteen or so minutes I indulged its monotony, I assumed that it borrowed liberally from both The Legend of Zeldaand Dragon Warrior. Like Zelda, you fight monsters in real time on a huge overworld and you have to figure out for yourself where you need to go. Like Dragon Warrior, you are a knight off to rescue a princess and some jewels or something and the initial enemies you fight are slimes! Come to find out, Hydlideactually came before either of these games, which means that, perhaps, Zeldaand Dragon Warriorwere influenced by it? Either way, both Zeldaand Dragon Warriorrefined what Hydlide was attempting to do. For example, the combat system: instead of brandishing a sword or going into battle, you press 'A' to switch between 'defend' and 'attack' and then press on the enemies with your character. It is unique, and works surprisingly well, but it takes far, fartoo long to level up. I must have fought a couple hundred slimes and I still hadn't leveled up once. On top of that, you mustremember to save at all times. Slimes, though weak, will still take down your puny life bar completely in about three turns, if you're not careful to attack from behind or below them (and even that doesn't work all the time). Now, strangely, walking around in the fields will heal your character, so there's that, but slimes can still surprise you even if you're trying to avoid them. As for my own experience with Hydlide,after fifteen minutes of non-stop attacking slimes, I almost leveled up before a slime killed me. My previous save was probably within the first five minutes and I decided I had already experienced enough slime goo on my sword for one day, thanks. I'll take the outdated, but still playable Dragon Warriorand Zelda over this misguided, well-meaning piece of dump. Even if Hydlidecontained an interesting plot with memorable characters and unique locales, I still wouldn't want to sludge through its worthless combat system in order to experience it.

D

F

Interesting background on Hydlide for those who are interested: HYDLIDE

#291 - The Hunt for Red October

                                    Connery is pissed, which doesn't bode well.

                         Turrets in the darkest depths of the ocean? Insanity!

How does one make a video game about tensions between Russian and American naval units in the mid-80s? Will it be an Alec Baldwin/Sean Connery shouting match? Will Tom Clancy cameo as Guy Eating Sandwich Atop Submarine? Seriously, what can a developer do to accurately bring this book-turned-movie into a halfway decent videogame? The answer is, of course, side-scrolling submarines! That's right: The Hunt for Red October is a side-scrolling shmup. The latter means everything and nothing. On one hand, it's probably the only way Hi-Tech Expressions – or any other developer for that matter – could have adopted such a bizarre license into a halfway playable game. On the other hand, why was "The Hunt for Red October" turned into a game at all? Out of almost every movie game I've played, this particular title makes the least amount of sense. But Hi-Tech made it, it was released in America, and thus, I have no choice but to write about it.

Yes, The Hunt for Red October is a submarine shmup, perhaps the first and only of its kind. Taken as a ground-breaking niche game, I've certainly played worse. Your submarine moves slowly, true, but the controls are surprisingly tight. Navigating the sub around never feels too tedious. You have two different types of missiles: straight-ahead and above-ground. Above-ground missiles are basically useless, since you can easily avoid any type of weapons above-ground enemies drop on you. Everything in the water, however, needs to be either maneuvered around or killed. I swear, in Red October's universe, the Russians are light years ahead of us. They basically have underground water bases designed to kill you, the lone wolf American sub. It's crazy, I tell you! Beware especially the enemy subs which fire a string of seeker missiles that will obliterate your life. The latter enemies might be the hardest, but navigating around the perils of the ocean is no easy task. You'll have to swing your sub through craggy underwater areas, complete with falling rocks. You remember the water level in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Yeah, like that, except you're a sub.

Despite my amazement that Hunt for Red October plays as well as it does, given the source and the way the developers handled the material, it's still too frustrating and mediocre for its own good. There's nothing achieved within this game that you couldn't obtain from a different, better game. Other than that bizarre Tom Clancy image. That guy really needs a new pair of glasses.

C

#290 - Hudson Hawk

                                     This is a far cry from "The Return of Bruno."

                                That dog will throw you off a building. No joke.

"Hudson Hawk" eh? According to many movie buffs, this is either one of Bruce Willis' best or worst films. Considering the man's made a truck load of movies, that's saying a lot either way. Not having seen the film, I, of course, withhold any judgment. Having played Hudson Hawk for my NES, however, I feel inclined to judge swiftly, painfully, and without mercy. Hudson Hawk shall be banished from my gaming library, never to be played again, unless the need should arise to jeer at it with friends and loved ones.

I hope you all like broken hands attempting to pick up some dog crap because that's exactly what this game's graphics and mechanics represent. Bruce Willis is a fairly attractive guy, but Ocean didn't even try to recreate his likeness. Instead, we get a thin midget with a huge chin, overwhelming sunglasses, and a penchant for throwing baseballs. Seriously, baseballs are your weapon, unless you want to punch someone squaw in the harbles. Hudson Hawk's jumping ability is almost non-existent. He can barely get three inches off the ground, and methinks it was designed like this to give the game some difficulty. If you were able to jump like any other competent video game character, you could easily jump over enemies, barriers, gaping holes – anything, really. Because you can't, the latter becomes unbearable. Hudson Hawk (or as I ended up calling him Hudson "Rock Hudson" Hawk) is one of the most unwieldy and ugly characters I've played as in a long time, and as a result, the game itself is close to unplayable.

There are worse movie-to-game translations, to be sure, but that doesn't mean Hudson Hawk needs to be given a passing glance. The NES is already weighed down by far too many abominable movie games. Lord knows the games don't need to be encouraged by people actually playing them.

F

Vacation time... again

Well, some friends and I are headed out to Coachella for the weekend. I'd like to say that it's a torturous task and that I'd rather be reviewing poorly-made NES games, but that's just ignorant. I'd much rather eat the same nasty $10 burger every meal of every day and dance with a gaggle of sweaty bros to the monotonous 4/4 beat of Swedish House Mafia, then play Hook again. Truth.

                  Uh... 2Pac will be there, in his rejuvenated translucent form.

Anyways, come Tuesday the 24th, expect to see a plethora of new game reviews for your reading pleasure. Until then, increase your gaming knowledge elsewhere!

Cheers!

Dylan

#289 - Hot Slot (s)

            What is this, Duke Nukem? Go take a bath, you cardboard cutouts!

Behold the thrilling spectacle of virtual slot machines, sans naked women!

The second after Bubble Bath Babes in the infamous Panesian trilogy of NES porn games, Hot Slot will not light your loins, or any other standby body parts, on fire, though it does indeed contain slot machines. Three of them, in fact! Will wonders never cease? Pick your slot (machine): will you opt for Cutie Bunny, Juicy Fruit, or the ever enticing Las Vegas (why would they bother to make two sexually suggestive names and not three?). I couldn't tell the difference between any of them because, at the end of the day, you put your money into the machine, pull the lever, and hope you win. Yep, that's the entire game. If you win any money, a screen will pop up from below the machine and inform you of your earnings. A covered-up girl will look at you seductively, just waiting for you to earn enough money before her stifling clothes can come off. According to ThisIsD7, the author of the one and only FAQ for this game at GameFAQS, the girls will need to know that you've won a cool $210 before any layers begin to peel. If you want to see the full pixelated monty, that will run you about $450. This may not sound like much, but it is incredibly hard to win anything. Only 7s, BARS, and color-coded JACS will gain you any amount of money. The slot machines run very fast and easy (!) and you won't know what you've got until you stop them with the D-pad.

Let's face it, if you bought this game back in 1991, you were hoping to see some 8-bit jumblies. There's no real game contained here, other than playing virtual slot machines, which is about as lively as being hooked up to a feeding tube and watching old game show reruns. My friend, desiring a game for poorly rendered breasts makes you a horny idiot. However, if you have held onto this game these past twenty-one years just for kicks, you are now a very savvy investor. Hot Slots is currently going for upwards of 800 dollars on eBay due to its rarity. I guess the saying is true, then: every slot has its day in the sun.

F

#288 - Hoops

                                  Score one for the Black Ranger. Dyno-mite!

                                           That is a very sad and lonely court.

Hoopsis an odd sort: a 1-on-1 or 2-on-2 basketball game that seems to think bare-bones simplicity is the way to go. Normally, I'd agree with it. I don't think I've found a basketball game on the NES that plays above average so far. As far as Hoopsis concerned, there's only so much personality one can give a two/four-man tumble. You either play what amounts to a half-court game of basketball with people who have names like Mr. Doc, Zap, and Wiz (apparently, any person you choose plays differently too, but I was hard-pressed to notice that) or you play "Around the World," a three-point line competition between players. The latter is boring and the former is merely average. The players control pretty well on the court, but shooting certainly felt harder than it needed to be. There were no fluid shots, only stilted, half-cocked misses. Obviously, if you're interested in wringing any fun out of Hoops, you'll need to get yourself a second player. At least then you can laugh at the other player as they attempt – and fail – to make three-point shots, or, well, anyshot. But if you're alone, like me, sucking down a dry martini while crying clown tears, it's best to leave Hoopson the sidelines. No point in becoming more depressed.

D+

#287 - Hook

           A couple of fools playing dress-up on a cruise ship for the damned...

You think you can just get accepted into the Lollipop Guild? Survive a night in a forest of monkeys and pirates, then we'll talk.

Three awful movie-licensed titles in a row? If I believed in karma, I might wonder just who I've wronged, for the universe to cast these three unspeakable evils upon me. Hook is up there with Home Alone 1 + 2 in the "abomination" genre of NES games. There is nothing redeeming about it. From the drab, pastel graphics, to the awful muzak, the clunky controls, and the busted-platformer gameplay, Hook is the epitome of a worthless game.

Now I've never seen the film "Hook," and there's a reason for that: I don't like Peter Pan. I don't like the concept of a man-child flying around in tights and playing make-believe with actual children at all hours of the night, and neither should anyone else. Even as a kid, this odd story failed to resonate with me, and indeed, made me uneasy. Thankfully, Hook alters the traditional story. In the game, you play as Peter Pan, but you're supposed to rescue your children from Captain Hook. Much nicer. For pretty much every level, though, you'll be "rescuing" peaches and acorns and coins, just so the level will end. That's right: in order to progress to the next level, you have to collect worthless everyday objects. The game never says why, but I'm assuming so you can bribe Captain Hook into letting your children go. "But look, Smee, I have at least a dozen peaches here! Trade for Wendy?" There's a surprising amount of levels in which to collect said grocery items in exchange for your children, so if you actually want to beat the game, you're in it for the long haul. At least Home Alone 2 was honest: four levels, you're done, THQ's got your money, you've got a fistful of tears. Hook leaves one feeling empty and alone.

One last reason to not play Hook: you have a dagger, but it does no damage to enemies. The game wouldn't pose a challenge at all if you could use your weapon, but because you're forced to jump over and around enemies, you'll be dying quite a bit. Truthfully, I've always wondered if Peter Pan could die. Hook answers that question with a resounding, "Yes, thank God."

F

#286 - Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

I wonder if Joe Pesci was annoyed that he couldn't say the F word every five seconds in these movies. I know I would be.

It's near impossible to find screenshots of this game online, and for good reason.

Nobody does retro gaming reviews for the money. It's for the love of the game, the nostalgia that comes with re-visiting old favorites and discovering new gems for the first time. That being said, THQ should drop a full sack of money on my doorstop for having to trudge through Home Alone 1 and 2. Thankfully, Home Alone 2 isn't as soul-suckingly empty as the first game, but it takes on a crapulence all its own throughout its four levels.

Home Alone2 has more of an LJN feel than anything else. Enemies and environments are recycled everywhere, graphics and music look and sound like an afterthought, you're given no clue as to what to do, and if you keep playing long enough, you will fall into a trance-like state, mesmerized by the game's overwhelming badness. I hate to admit it, but long after I knew I should have stopped, I continued to play this game. Was it the ridiculousness of seeing a vaccum cleaner trying to suck Kevin into itself or suitcases hurtling themselves at him? Old ladies doing butt-launches? Maids throwing towels? I didn't get farther than the hotel, but knowing that I had three other maddening levels waiting for me didn't inspire me to push any further. Once you break free of the trance the game sets on you, your immediate instinct is to never play it again, for fear of falling into the same trap again, and perhaps – dear God! - going further into the game? Beating it? The possibilities are horrible.

F

#285 - Home Alone

                 Take a cue from the Culkster: this game is scream-worthy.

A shiny buffalo nickel for the man who can have some fun with the nightmares contained here!

Funny story. Bethesda Softworks developed Home Alone for the NES. Yes, that Bethesda Softworks of Elder Scrolls and Fallout fame. Everyone has to start off somewhere, I suppose, and I'm sure they made a handsome amount of money simply for agreeing to develop the game. I'm also sure they used less than five percent of that money to actually make the game. Home Alone is one of the worst games I've barely been able to play for the NES. That statement includes any and all LJN titles.

I used the phrase "barely able to play." That's because one so much does not play Home Alone as one either succumbs to the monotonous madness contained within, or one removes the game and destroys it, thereby freeing a little piece of Macaulay Culkin's soul (he's mad you know). Either way, there is very little "play" involved. You control Kevin and wander around the house for twenty minutes, picking up traps and dropping traps when Harry and Marv, the two bumbling bad guys, get too close to you. They are almost always too close to you because they're bigger and faster than you and they always seem to know where you are. If you get caught, oops, you lose! If you manage to stay away from them for twenty minutes, the cops eventually pick them up and the game is over. How's that for a Christmas away from your loved ones?

To be fair, Bethesda has come a long way, if only because they use actual talent to make their games now. They still release buggy games, sure, but at least there's a game underneath all the game-breaking glitches. And they can be fun when they work! Still, I wonder how many Christmases they ruined with Home Alone back in 1991. At some point, Bethesda needs to be held accountable.

F-

#284 - Hollywood Squares

                                                                   Save me...

                          A more hideous gaggle of creatures, I've never seen.

Is there anything sadder than washed-up C-list celebrities helping out random strangers with quiz answers, while making jokes and pretending like their career hasn't gone down the drainpipe? While you ponder that question for a moment, I'd like to rant about why the very existence of Hollywood Squares lacks all logic and taste.

As you may recall, I've voiced my opinions on game show video games before, but if you don't want to skip back and read that hilarious, inspired review, allow me to summarize: much like video games for ages 2-4, game-show video games are pointless. One may enjoy answering questions correctly, but those are momentary thrills once you discover that – gasp! - this is a video game and you'll never win prizes like you would in real life on the game show. It's almost worse that game show games pretend like you win a prize. In Wheel of Fortune: Jr. Edition (many months away, thank God), if you win the game, you get to take a pick between several prizes, including a new car and a trip to Disneyland.... what? Why would a game ever entice and disappoint children like that? It's insulting.

Hollywood Squaresis even sillier than other game show video games. For starters, there are no celebrities in the squares; only faceless drones like Val, Daz, and other similarly titled vacuous names. Like the show, a question is asked, a "celebrity" answers (with random quips thrown out for good measure), and you either agree or disagree with the celebrity. If you're right – regardless of whether the celebrity is right ot wrong – their square will light up with either 'X' or 'O,' depending on who you are. Yes, the entire game is essentially Tic Tac Toe, with egotistical ninnies acting as a go-between. Once you win three rounds (and the A.I. is quite stupid, so that shouldn't be too big of a problem), you pick a key and a car and you hope the key unlocks the car. If it doesn't, shucks, bad luck, you don't get a car. But hey, at least you can play Hollywood Squares again, right? Right? It doesn't matter if you win or lose. No really, it doesn't matter. No fulfillment comes from either.

 
F

UPDATE: I've gone back and reviewed Freedom Force, Gotcha! - The Sport, and Gumshoe. Check 'em out!

#283 - Hogan's Alley

                       He's really upset that you've decided to purchase this game.

                          Look out! He's got a cannon and he's not wearing a shirt!

Hogan's Alleyis one of the original eighteen launch games, one of the first games to use a Zapper, and one of the many NES launch games to, as of 27 years later, be incredibly boring. The entire game is essentially a training simulator. Shoot the bad guys that pop up on screen (men with sunglasses, large ugly faces, and guns), don't shoot the good guys (cops, Joe Shmo reading a paper, random woman). You have two options to shoot these cardboard cutouts: one is an indoor training simulation (like cops would use, I suppose) which shuffles a mix of three random people, good and bad, in front of you; the other takes you on the "streets" and has you shoot the bad guys as they appear. Each round recycles the same backgrounds over and over again a la Urban Champion or Duck Hunt. I understand this was 1985 and people were used to repeating environments and the same gameplay round after round, but other games would usually throw out some amount of variety. Hogan's Alley doesn't even try. Luckily, if you get tired of shooting the same bad guys in the same tired enviros, there's also Trick Shot, the most interesting of the three options. The game will throw out several tin cans from the right hand side of the screen, and the goal is to shoot them to the opposite side of the screen to get points. The lower the cans land on the left side of the screen, the more points you get. The reason Trick Shot is entertaining is because there's simply more to do. Shooting several cans at once is, yes, TRICKY, especially if you want to get as many points as possible. Still, Father Time has left this game behind. There's no replay value and very little fun to be had down Hogan's Alley.

D

#282 - High Speed

3 years later, Rare made Donkey Kong Country and became one of the hottest gaming companies in the world. Everyone starts small.

 This was the only screenshot I could find of this game. It actually looks worse when you're playing it.

I'm not sure when console pinball games have every really worked, save for curios like the Crush series, Kirby's Tilt 'N Tumble and Metroid Prime Pinball. I think the latter games succeeded mainly because they took the basic element of pinball and incorporated intriguing new features, like multiple screens with Devil's Crush, tilting the Game Boy with Kirby or using the stylus with Metroid. High Speed, while not entirely a car wreck (bazing!), doesn't work because it's simple pinball. Only junkies who can't afford to have actual tables need apply.

High Speedis actually based off a pinball table of the same name. Apparently, according to the almighty broadbrain Wikipedia, High Speedwas quite the influential table. Check out these stats that may or may not be true!

"The game was noted for the following firsts:

• First pinball to play a complete song
• First Williams pinball game to use alpha-numeric displays
• First diverter in a pinball
• First "Kick-Big" (kicker and scoop) in a pinball
• First use of Auto Percentaging (for replay scores)
• First "Jackpot" in a pinball, during multi-ball
• First Jackpot that carried over between games."
  

That's a lot of "firsts!"

I've never played the table myself, but I'm sure it's far more entertaining than its console cousin. You start off with three balls and your goal is to get the most points you can. Besides the traditional flippers towards the bottom, there is one flipper around the top that guides you through the "Freeway." Go through it seven times and you will slowly change the stop light on the table to "red." Now you have to get away from the cops, which merely involves you going around the Freeway one more time. When you succeed in this, two additional balls pop out, leaving you to struggle to keep three balls in the air. The longer you do it, the more points you accumulate, but laws of gravity will eventually rule out and all the balls will come down. There are two bonus levels you can play: a racing level (achieved by collecting three helicopters) and a shooting level (achieved by collecting three safes). I never got to either of these levels, no thanks to an ominous yellow cloud that popped up from time to time on the table, and once hit, took my ball down the drain. This was beyond frustrating. Perhaps there was a way to escape from the cloud, but either way, I didn't really care. I was playing console pinball! And had I not been playing High Speed for this quest, I would have to seriously ask myself why. It's a subgenre that doesn't need to exist.

D

#281 - Heavy Shreddin'

With such gratuitous amounts of hot pink on the cover, you know this game is wicked!!!

                                 Just a couple of cougars out on the slopes!

When a game is titled Heavy Shreddin', one would assume it's either a progenitor of the Guitar Hero franchise, complete with 8-bit renditions of Guns 'N Roses songs and crudely pixelated "guys" in spandex, fishnets, and long, curly hair; OR it's a snowboarding game whose title is trying desperately to sound edgy, in typical early 90s fashion. Heavy Shreddin is most definitely the latter (shame, that – I would like to see what an 8-bit Guitar Hero-esque game would look like), and if I'm not mistaken, it's the first type of game of its kind that I've played for the NES. I'm not sure how "heavy" this game really is, nor did I ever feel like I was "shreddin'" down the slopes in a technical sense, but I'll say this about it: it's a perfunctory 8-bit snowboarding game and nothing more.

Heavy Shreddin'gives you five different events to contend with – Downhill, Slalom, Half-pipe, Moguls, and Backwoods – and contend you shall! I never got past the Slalom section, no thanks to the sluggish controls. Darting around trees and jumping over obstacles like running water are all fine and good, but the D-pad doesn't seem responsive enough. I can't imagine what some of the later events are like when you have to perform stunts. Stunts require pressing 'A' and then a direction on the D-pad. Pulling off one stunt isn't a huge issue, but several in a row, while having to avoid obstacles? Either your hand is going to ache or you'll throw the controller out the window. I'm not sure Heavy Shreddin' is worth that amount of annoyance.

Other grievances, petty though they may be, include the awful Atari-rendered graphics (what's with the vomit yellow on the title screen? ANY OTHER COLOR IS BETTER THAN VOMIT YELLOW!) and the wonky music, but mostly it's frustrating to think that this game wants to be better than it is. It's certainly ambitious enough, but the NES – or the developers of these types of games, I'm not sure which – seem to have a hard time emulating extreme sports. Not until the 32/64-bit era, which saw Cool Boarders and 1080 Snowboarding did snowboarding really get its due. It's important that Heavy Shreddin' tried, but it's also important that it failed.

C-

#280 - Heavy Barrel

                                          I... I... I just don't know what to say.

Boys, put down those firearms, and let's solve our differences with some Friendship tea!

"That is one heavy barrel you have there, ma'am!"

Don't worry, I didn't really say that to any particular woman, let alone an older woman worthy of the polite address "ma'am," and thus, more likely to be offended because my statement, strange as it sounds, rings of truth. The phrase was honestly the first thing that popped into my head as I began to write the review. And if there's one thing the world needs more of, it's people writing/saying thoughtless things honestly.

But oh my, this is a game review, so let's get to it. Heavy Barrel is Guerilla War's younger, more inept brother. You know the kind: they try to copy their older sibling almost down to the tee, but in the end, they're not smart or strong enough to ever dream of besting him. While there's really nothing wrong with Heavy Barrel's gameplay – shoot through waves of dudes, while amassing upgrades to your weaponry and trying not to die – it pales in comparison to Guerilla War's over-the-top, fast-paced killing sprees. For starters, Heavy Barrel is much slower, which makes any action happening much less intriguing. The screen moves behind you at a snail's pace, and there are times when you literally have nothing to shoot for a second or two. Your weapon upgrades are sparser and not nearly as interesting as Guerilla War's, so for most of the game, you'll have to make do with a peashooter. For how slowly the game moves, you'll die an awful lot. The hit detection seems very sensitive, like if a bullet just grazes you without penetrating the skin, you'll still keel over, flopping on the ground. The bosses are boring machinery, the graphics are drab, and the main character walks like he has hemorrhoids; the latter is not the look you want to have as a one-man killing machine. Still, I played Heavy Barrel for a lot longer than I should have because, well, I like shooting things. There's something to be said for releasing one's aggression through a game, even if it doesn't compare to other aggression-releasing masterpieces.

C+

'F' and 'G' statistics

Well, as you can see from the last two reviews, the letter 'H' is off to a rollicking start. But before we completely forget about our friends 'F' and 'G,' I have some statistics that are sure to delight and... STAT-ISFY! I can almost feel the cacophony of laughter wash over me as you all read that delicious pun.

Getting through these two letters was difficult, not because they contained games that were any worse (necessarily) than games that began with other letters, but because the last few months have been fraught with vacation, sickness, and all-around personal problems. It's almost enough to make a man throw his NES off a second-story apartment patio!... almost. Anyways, I'm going to try to be more diligent with the reviews, but that's what I always say. The proof is in the writing! Here's to approx. 500 more glorious reviews! 

 

# of Reviews for the letter 'F':28, which would be one for each day of the month of February, except this year was a Leap Year. Curse you, random extra day!

# of Reviews for the letter 'G':35!

Add 'em all up, and what do ya get:63!

# of Games I didn't review due to lack of peripherals:4 – Gyromite, Gumshoe, Gotcha!, and Freedom Force. 3 of those games needed the Zapper, which is easily obtainable, and Gyromiteneeds R.O.B the Robot, which is not obtainable without a couple benjamins.

# of Games I didn't wantto review, but reviewed anyway:At least 13, but probably closer to 25.

# of Flight Simulator Games reviewed that didn't suck:0

# of Shmups reviewed:6

# of Shmups reviewed that were awesome:5 (sorry Galactic Crusader)

# of Golf games reviewed:only 3

# of Golf games I thoughtI'd be reviewing:at least 12 – enough to drown in.

Out of all the letters reviewed thus far:'G' might just be my favorite. Surprsingly, the letter grade I awarded the most was 'B,' and I attribute that to the high amount of shmups and just all-around solid games. Not to be outdone, I'd say The Great Waldo Searchis one of the least essential games for the NES library. Its worthlessness can't be overstated.

Until next time!

#279 - Hatris

Hey, a job is a job. You'd feel gypped too if you created one of the best-selling videogames of all time and got cheated out of well-deserved royalties.

I'm pretty sure that's Alexey Pajitnov's (the creator of Tetris) head they're using. The half-open mouth indicates a cry for help.

Tetrisis a game that almost everyone knows, yet poor Alexey Pajitnov, the creator, is virtually unknown outside of hardcore gaming circles. To say he got screwed out of well-deserved fame and royalties is a generous statement. Up until 1996, when he founded The Tetris Company, did he even begin to see any money from the several hundred version of Tetris published. In the meantime, he had to make do with other ventures, like developing... Hatris? Like Tetris, except instead of re-arranging geometric shapes, you re-arrange... hats?

Yes, in Hatris you play a factory worker who arranges hats atop severed heads. There are several different varieties of hats (and heads, for that matter) and they all come out in pairs. To make the hats disappear and collect money for your hard labor, you must pair them in rows of five. Do this several times and the foreman will make the machine go faster and faster until you can't keep track of the hats and they have to cease production because top hats are spilling everywhere and the heads are starting to turn. At least you can venture home and sleep soundly knowing you made an honest day's living, I suppose (better not to ask where the company got the heads).

To be fair, the game is essentially a rip-off of Yoshimore than Tetris. Whereas Yoshibenefited from, well, Yoshi and Mario, Hatris is too boring to benefit from the admittedly endearing strangeness that seeps through the game. I'm glad Alexey Pajitnov started getting paid for Tetris somewhere along the line. The gaming world doesn't need his depression.

D