#362 - The Legend of the Ghost Lion or Ghost Lion

Is it any wonder no one in their right mind played this game when it first released? What's Lita Ford doing with Siegfried and Roy's lion?

Don't trust any people from Bread. They'll bake ya as soon as look at ya!

The opening scenes of The Legend of the Ghost Lion (or simply, Ghost Lion, depending on how you like your eggs) are hilarious for all the wrong reasons. The protagonist, Maria, is being told the "legend of the white lion" by her parents. Back in the day, the white lion attacked their village and slaughtered a whole mess of soldiers that challenged it. But one plucky young lad "summoned up all his courage and threw his spear at the lion." The white lion disappears into a cave, one spear richer, never to be heard from again. The end, right? The lion's gone. What's left to talk about? Well, Maria's parents decide that the white lion's presence, or lack thereof, is a "mystery" that needs to be solved and they leave her by herself in the town. "If you need anything, go see the village elders," they say heartlessly. Never mind the fact that Maria looks all of eight and is probably blubbering for them not to go. The parents leave, and what a shocker, they're never heard from again. Serves 'em right, is my opinion, but like the caring daughter her parents don't deserve, Maria decides to go find them. Thus, The Legend of the Ghost Lion begins!

"I'm sure you can find some twigs and berries to eat in the forest somewhere! Oh, and don't go swimming in the lake unless you swim out really far!"

Despite the clumsy intro, there is some unusual charm to this Dragon Warrior-ripoff. You play as a heroine who's about as strong and capable as female protagonists came back in the Nineties (and even today). You don't really have a party, but items that contain spirits who can fight alongside you or protect you. The back of the box describes this as an "RPG for beginners," and I'd say that's just about right. It's hardly a bad thing, though. The battles themselves are your typical turn-based affairs. They aren't really difficult, which is nice when it comes to exploring the world. Leveling up isn't achieved through battles, but through exploring areas and finding "shards of hope;" battles are more about gaining money than anything else. The story is obtuse at best, but it's leagues more interesting than the thousandth variation of "Save the princess from the evil warlord in time for tea, old sport!" The only problem I have with this game is the problem I have with all other old-school RPGs: what the butt am I supposed to be doing, and in what order should I be doing it. I know these games were all about exploration and figuring things out for one's self, but I'm not a kid and I don't have time for that anymore. Thankfully, this isn't Final Fantasy which, despite my love for it, makes you grind and grind until your hands are ineffective nubs. The Legend of the Ghost Lion is a soft, light-hearted RPG that will make even the crankiest gamer crack a smile.

B

#361 - The Legend of Kage

The Japanese Barbers Guild takes their hair-cutting methods TO THE EXTREME!

                       Climb that tree, pledge! And you better not stop drinking!

I love the freewheeling spirit present in The Legend of Kage, but am still not sure whether such mindless ecstasy deserves to be praised or judged harshly. As a shuriken-throwing, forest-jumping ninja warrior determined to get back his beloved, you bound across treetops, castle walls and moats, destroying a milly other generic ninjas. Imagine Kung Fu, except not every level looks the same and you can jump fifty feet high into the air. It's really quite thrilling to hack endless waves of enemies to bits as you run through the forest, but beware, for the ominous one-hit kill lurks behind every stray shuriken. The Legend of Kage is such mindless fun while it's happening, that it's a shame the game's over so quickly. If you're quick – and it's hard not to be – you can beat the game in ten minutes. At least in Kung Fu, the sheer simplicity of the game dictated the game's shortness. But with this spiritual successor, I felt that, perhaps there should have been more to do than just hack, slash, and avoid enemy projectiles. It's cool to be able to climb trees and jump super high, while throwing out shurikens in four different directions, but if those features don't add anything to the game besides just being cool effects, why give players the option? Despite the initial thrills and the piles of ninja corpses left in my warrior's wake, I wanted more.

C+

#360 - Legacy of the Wizard

                                A unique art style for an unusual adventure game.

                                  This is what I would refer to as "the thick of it."

Legacy of the Wizard may not be the largest NES game, but it may be the most confusing, frustrating, and - depending on how much time you're willing to invest – rewarding. Essentially, you control a family of dungeon-crawlers (yes, multiple characters) and your goal is to explore a gargantuan dungeon full of enemies, items, potions, and the like. The dungeon both looks and feels never ending. I'm not sure how any child would have beat this game back in the day without drawing a map as they went along. Even then, there's all sorts of hidden walls to find/fall into. If you're not prepared, it's beyond intimidating. Please cast your eyes upon this map, courtesy of HardcoreGaming101

http://www.hardcoregaming101.net/draslefamily/map.jpg

Can you imagine working your way through this, one section at a time? On top of that, you have to keep a vigilant eye on your life and magic bars to make sure you don't run out. Luckily, there are inns and shops within the dungeon (I guess merchants saw the need to cater to fool-hardy dungeon crawlers) so you can replenish your life/magic and shop for rare items. Not every person of the Warzen family can wield every item, hence the need to switch between characters at different times. Perhaps the closest game I could link this to would be Metroid, as they share similar non-linear exploratory play-styles, but Legacy of the Wizard trumps Metroid in both size and scope. A distinct NES gem.

B+

#359 - Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf

There was a U.S. National Video Game Team? And they had enough money to sponsor a famous golfer?

                    Probably one of the nicest looking golf games for the NES

If Lee Trevino ran at you with a nine-iron, you would do one of two things: run like hell or find the nearest golf club and battle him. Perhaps the world is ready for a fighting game where golf legends face off against their younger, more ambitious counterparts. It would be weapons-based, of course, or should I say club-based. Wedges do more damage, but don't discount putters. Putters are sneaky, mischievous, and the only club you can use in both regular golf and putt-putt; dual-wielding would yield fantastic results. Unfortunately, Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf is really just Lee Trevino's Mostly Average Golf. What little spunk the game has comes from SNK's decision to make each character as stereotypical as possible. There's a panty-showing girl golfer named Pretty Amy, a goofy Japanese guy, Miracle Chosuke, and my personal favorite, Lee Trevino himself, Super-Mex! The latter was apparently Lee Trevino's nick-name (that just raises further questions!), but if you didn't know that already, you'd be blown away by SNK's blatant I-don't-give-a-fluff mentality. The golf game itself is standard, but playable, if you can successfully follow the instructions. Basically, you have to hit 'A' three times in order to actually hit the ball: once for your swing meter, once for the direction you want the ball to go, and once to hit. If you can master this – which is much harder than it sounds – you'll enjoy yourself. I couldn't, but I'm a fighter, not a golfer.

C+

#358 - The Last Starfighter

                                       This cover is pure lies! Lies and hearsay!

It's an innocent looking shmup that would stab you in the back if it ever got the chance!

The Last Starfighter isn't based on "The Last Starfighter" film, 'fraid to say. According to Adam Lamontagne over at GameFAQs, The Last Starfighteris, much like The Last Ninja,a gussied-up port of an old Commodore 64 game, Uridium. Mr. Lamontagne goes on to say that Mindscape, the developers, should have just released the game as Uridium, as the title was widely respected in Commodore circles. Personally, I don't care what moniker Mindscape decided to give the game, nor do I care that, apparently, Commodore players settle for lower quality standards in their games. The Last Starfighteris an abhorrent shooter, and quite possibly, the worst shooter I have ever played.

Allow me to repeat and explain myself: this might be the worst shooter I've ever played, but I would hardly call it a shooter at all. When you first start, the game, by all intents and purposes, seems to be your typical horizontal shmup. But as you begin, you realize that your ship can't move properly. Instead of being able to dart around the screen, your ship, which is positioned in the direct center of the screen, is only able to move vertically up and down. Pushing the D-pad to the right will speed you up, while pushing the D-pad to the left will slow you down. Slow down too much and you'll turn in the opposite direction. But, despite turning, your ship will always stay in the dead center of the screen. By doing this, the developers are constantly putting you in harm's way. Multiple deaths are imminent and expected. To make matters worse, in level 1, you're flying over a large ship in the background, colored completely white, and containing turrets. What color are the projectiles the turrets shoot at you? Why, white, of course! Better still, you can crash into barriers on the ship, even though the barriers appear just like any other structure on the ship that you can destroy or fly through. Enemies are sparse, but the ones that do appear will come and go. Sometimes your bullets will have an effect on them, other times, they don't. At the end of the stage, you have to land your ship to progress, but I couldn't figure out how to land. I tried coming at the landing strip from every possible direction, slowing down as much as possible, and nothing. So yes, in my humble opinion, because of the lack of things to shoot, the wonky controls, the horrible placement of your ship in the center of the screen, and the huge amounts of luck that it would take to actually beat the game, let alone progress past the first level, The Last Starfighter is less a shmup, than a malevolent entity bent on causing human beings pain and suffering. And I'm not a man given to hyperbolic statements or long Faulknerian sentences.

F-

Special thanks to Mr. Adam Lamontagne's FAQ over at GameFAQs.com. Your information was invaluable, and you must have the strength of a thousand men to have beaten this game.

                                                    Everything the game isn't. 

#357 - The Last Ninja

                 Just in case you were curious this is the "Game of the Year."

                                       Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot...

For those who like their reviews with a side of history, stuff this into your hipster corn cob pipe: The Last Ninjafor the NES is actually a port of The Last Ninja II for the Commodore 64. Before I learned that, I was ready to Ginsu Knife the crap outta this game for clunky controls, atrocious graphics, and an all-around sense of wankery on the developer Jaleco's part. Why would any self-respecting developer design an NES action/adventure game with a 3/4 perspective and isometric graphics, unless they're trying to keep the action as slow as possible? Granted, quickness is not the point of this game. The point is to collect items from around each level and use them at other parts of the level, while either engaging or running away from enemies. But I'm a ninja, right? Shouldn't I be fast and deadly, if not stealthy? This supposedly "last ninja" is none of the above. The game gives you lots of weapons, should you look for them, so there's a sense that you're supposed to be able to fight well. Still, my advice is to avoid as many enemies as possible. Due to the game's perspective and all-around wonky-ness, it can take multiple tries to line up your attacks with each enemy. Should you decide to beat down your opponents, be aware that it takes depleting their health bars twice to fully get rid of them. Some of them also have shurikens that can one or two-hit kill you. Enemies, controls, perspective, all of them suck, and yet, I was drawn into this game for its unique take on the ninja sub-genre. Should you decide to plunge into the game's depths, you'll be rewarded, but unless you're committed, I wouldn't recommend it. I certainly respect what The Last Ninjawas trying to achieve, but on a system with Ninja Gaiden IIand Shadow of the Ninja, it can feel slow and outdated for those who aren't prepared.

B-

#356 - Last Action Hero

                                               Don't worry, it's all a dream...

As in most Arnold-related things, everyone's out to get you because you're just that awesome.

I don't know if any Schwarzenegger fan would argue against "Last Action Hero" being one of Arnold's lesser films, and I pray that no NES fan would argue against Last Action Hero being one of the worst games for the NES. I know Total Recall takes a lotta heat for being a major stinkbomb that also happens to be based on an Arnold film, and rightfully so. But, if I may, lend me your eyes and your predispositions: Last Action Hero is at least as smelly as Total Recall and possibly smellier.

Let's put aside the bad graphics (is that you inside that sunglasses-wearing midget, Arnold?), the derivative gameplay (punch, punch, punch), and the surprisingly competent soundtrack ("Hamlet" stage, I'll be darned) and focus entirely on the hit detection. First mistake: Arnold can't punch someone without taking at least one hit. Ever. Since the enemies constantly regenerate and come at you orare located where you can't hit them in the level, your lives will go down like so many shattered pelvises. I'd honestly be surprised if this game was beatable without a Game Genie. It's just that cheap. For those wondering about my own progress, I got to the second stage, made it to the end boss, died, continued, made it to the end boss again, died, called it a day.

The reason you never hear of this game making any "worst" lists is probably because no one played it or wanted to play it. Last Action Hero is, obviously, based on "Last Action Hero," one of the biggest box-office bombs of 1993. The game was released months after the movie on a system that was all but dead at the time. I'd be surprised and elated if it only sold five copies.

F

#355 - Laser Invasion

With all this firepower aimed at your face, you're gonna need at least ten shots of whiskey before you even think about playing.

             Just in case you were wondering, the Danger Zone is nigh.

There's a whole lot of crushed dreams going on in Laser Invasion. Perhaps the first Konami game I've ever played that didn't inspire mushy feelings and love notes (Konami is indeed one of the greatest game developers of all time), Laser Invasion is an arcade-y mess that tries too hard to be action-packed, when it contains all the excitement of a blocked colon. Flying a helicopter and blowing up other helicopters should be fun, not frustrating, but it's hard to progress when one missile sends your whirlybird crashing down onto third-world nations. It's easier and better to just avoid the helicopters and save your missiles for the end boss, but there's little enjoyment to be had from just driving a helicopter (take that, SimCopter!). There are two other types of stages, the gun-shooting stages where you use a Zapper to take out enemies that pop up on the screen, and a maze section where you collect items and weaponry to use in other helicopter and gun-shooting stages. I unfortunately never made it past the helicopter stage, despite trying numerous times, so I can't comment on the other sections, but they frankly look and sound generic and boring. I understand Konami wanted to introduce the LaserScope, their voice-activated headset, in conjunction with Laser Invasion, but you don't really need it to play. In fact, based on videos I've seen of the LaserScope in use, it's just easier to play the game with the standard controls and the Zapper. Thankfully, Konami never sought to make Laser Invasion 2: 'Copter Boogaloo and went back to focusing on games that gave a damn about fun. For this, I salute them.

D+

#354 - Kung-Fu Heroes

I was really hoping Jackie would bring his other brother Chan, and Lee would bring his other brother Jet... ::sigh::

Contrary to popular belief, poking 1-Ups does not make them like you. You must be gentle, but firm.

Kung-Fu Heroes is a short, repetitive, addicting monster of a game. It's a game that doesn't really deserve to be played, but you play it anyway. You ask yourself, what in the world is going on? Why do I have to destroy exactly twelve enemies in order to advance to the next level? Why are the levels essentially squares where enemies continuously pour in from the sides? Eventually, after a few levels of constant punching or flip-kicking onto enemies and squashing them, you go with it. You shrug your shoulders and embrace whatever type of kung-fu this game supposedly offers. You find that, by punching the blocks in each environment, you collect treasures and sometimes power-ups. These power-ups supposedly hurt distinct enemies in certain levels, but it's hard for you to know where to unleash them. You hold onto them for safekeeping and hope that a simple punch or flip-kick will do. On the fourth stage of each round, a scary dragon creature will attack you and make all the other enemies disappear. Defeating this creature proves to be impossible for you, but thankfully, he disappears after a set-time. He's not a boss, though. There are no bosses, no real sense that you're accomplishing anything other than kicking or punching blocks and enemies. Do you feel satisfied? You shrug your shoulders. You continue playing until the end - thirty-two levels - possibly because you have nothing else to do with your time or possibly, just maybe, there are hints of a good game in Kung-Fu Heroes. It truly is difficult to say.

C+

 

 

#353 - Kung-Fu

                                                             Kung-Fu*

                                *does not contain any actual kung-fu

And by punching over his opponent, Kung-Fu Man realized he would spend the rest of his days in a wheelchair.

Kick, punch, it's all in the mind. Or in Kung Fu's case, it's all that you do. Kung Fu is one of the original NES launch titles, so don't go into this expecting a wide array of technically impressive attacks. 'A' is punch, 'B' is kick, 'Up' is jump: be content with this and you will go far. Each stage sees you progressing either to the left or to the right, while piles of guys run at you, begging to be embraced by the lightning within you. Most guys you simply knock away with one hit, like so many abused punching balloons. Others, like the knife throwing guy and the short elven folk, require extra hits and a keen eye. To keep the game interesting, occasionally baubles filled with snakes will fall from the sky and dragons will appear, blow fire, then disappear. Each level has a boss whose difficulty ranges from "wait, that was it?" to "that bugger just took all my life with one hit!" The background graphics, music, and all-around gameplay are the same in every level, which is awesome if you're a fan of repetition. I personally get sucked into Kung-Fu every time I play it, even though it's incredibly dated and not that good of a game. For me, the speed at which the enemies advance towards you keep the game (mildly) interesting. I also have a score to settle: I have yet to make it past the large black guy at the end of the third level. There's still two more levels! I want to save Sylvia from Mr. X! Even in '85, Kung-Fu wasn't Nintendo's finest hour, but it was another solid addition to a surprisingly varied original lineup.

B-

#352 - Krusty's Fun House

                       I like how Bart's smiling while Krusty's being attacked by rats.

This screen cap explains everything you need to know about the game, and yet, it's so vague...

I'm all for watching hours of "The Simpsons" on my local Fox affiliated station or on my stacks of Simpsons DVDs or illegally online, in any number of ways. But I can only play about fifteen minutes of any number of Simpsons games, especially the early ones. Even the arcade game, while nostalgic, isn't as fun as you remember (sorry, everyone). Krusty's Fun House is one of the better early Simpsons game entries in that, it's a unique idea, it's definitely playable until the end, and the controls don't make you want to scream profanities at the sky.

If you've ever played Lemmings or Worms, you'll have a basic grasp of Krusty's Fun House. Krusty the Clown, for whatever reason, has been charged in leading dozens of rats to their demise. Each level is a mix of getting the rats to Bart's Rat Stomping Machine (patent pending) and destroying large snakes and blocks with random items. It's as strange as it sounds, and each level contains an equal amount of fun and frustration. It's always fulfilling figuring out how to get the rats to ascend or descend to their final destination, but it can be pull-your-green-fuzz-out annoying to get there. The later levels particularly feel like they were crafted by Pinhead or Jigsaw, sans the eventual deaths (but hey, they're all clowns, right? Bros before hos!). If only there was a little more variety in both the level design and the gameplay. Rats always need to climb blocks to get sucked through holes to get crunched by Bart, the end. Lemmings and Worms includes several varieties of creatures, along with various gameplay options like weaponry and destructible environments. Perhaps it's not fair to compare the different games, but Krusty's Fun House would be vastly improved by drawing further inspiration from these games (Lemmings, certainly, as Worms hadn't come out in '92, I don't believe). Either way, having a go in the Fun House is a lot better way to spend your time than helping Bart save the world or destroying Space Mutants. As Selma would say to Troy McClure on their date in the episode, "A Fish Called Selma," "I had a pretty good time."

B-

#253/351 - George Foreman's K.O. Boxing

Sure, Foreman's all smiles, until Eddy "The Pirate" Preston knocks his teeth out.

                            Mike Tyson hungrily eyes Foreman's facial features...

I never expected a boxing game to be so depressing, but playing as George Foreman in George Foreman's KO Boxing really makes one stop and ponder their own mortality. When you first press Start, a screen comes up that gives George Foreman's stats and information. At the time of this game, he was 43 and making his boxing comeback. This in and of itself is a potential cause for celebration. "Foreman Ready to Beat People Half His Age Senseless!" read the headlines. But therein lies the sadness. He's trying to beat people half his age and twice as spry. Lorenzo "Bullet" Luciano is the first opponent you face and he's a doozy. His super-punches (press Select to perform your own, though they're not nearly as powerful as the computer's) can knock down two-thirds of your life, and should one connect, you'll be down on the ground soon. You can struggle back up to the ring by hitting A + B together really fast and regain most of your life, but you can only do this three times within the span of a bout. Despite the decent mechanics, this game is too hard for its own good. If the first opponent can knock down a huge chunk of Foreman's health with one well-placed blow, then something's wrong. K.O. Boxing is reminiscent of Punch-Out, sans the cartoony charm and gradual increase in difficulty. Once you get knocked out, a screen appears that shows an incredibly well-rendered picture of George Foreman sitting on the side of the ring, head bowed, defeated. One can only imagine the inner turmoil the man is going through. Just do him a favor: turn off the game and go buy one of his grills. Burgers are much tastier than defeat.

C-

#350 - The Krion Conquest

            Glenda the Good Witch and the Tin Man strike out on their own.

        I feel as though I've seen this game before, perhaps six different times...

First of all, let me express how terribly disappointed I am that this game is not called Krion Konquest. "Conquest" is practically begging to begin with a "K," I tell you! Begging! Anywho, it's taken until the 'K's but here we are with our first full-blown, unapologetically blatant Mega Man clone. Oh sure, you're a witch instead of a Rockman, and you begin with a set amount of powers instead of earning them as you go. But from the witch sprite that is very obviously a morphed Mega Man, to the shoot-and-ask-questions-later game mechanics, to the annoying timing of the enemies, to the powers that you have (instead of using Rush as a step or a jet, you have... a broom), to the obnoxious difficulty, to the pseudo action-packed music... well, I could go on. I don't have a problem with games that are rip-offs. I have a problem with games that are poorly-made rip-offs, and The Krion Conquest is very much made by people who don't understand the essence of Mega Man. Instead of controlling a charming, lovable, but lethal robot who inherits the powers of the enemies he destroys, you control a generic witch who already has all the powers she'll need. There is no sense of achievement, knowing that your character is as powerful in the first level as they'll be at the end of the game. A sense of "why-bother?" permeates the entire game, especially since the enemies are brutal and health is scarce. Sad, because The Krion Conquest could have been an enjoyable Mega Man-esque adventure, had it stuck a little more religiously to the source it "borrows" from. Instead, it's soulless, an abandoned shell of a far superior game. Capcom deserves better homages.

D+

#349 - Krazy Kreatures

Just in case anyone was wondering what demonic faces looked like encased in bubblegum, here they are!

Should you choose to go "krazy," this is what you have to look forward to.

If I came into your home, laid out an empty game board, and just started throwing goofy and creepy looking creatures onto the board with reckless abandon, demanding that you re-arrange them in rows of three, lest the board fill up with the creatures and you die, you'd kick me out of your house in some violent manner, and for good reason. That is psychotic behavior. Rest assured, I would never demean myself to that degree, but the behavior I engaged in in this hypothetical situation is exactly the premise of Krazy Kreatures.

Each level of Krazy Kreatures is made with empty black space and obstructions of varying degree. Animals and books and disembodied teeth, among other nightmares are then thrust onto the level. You must re-arrange them into groups of three (or four, depending on the level) and try and clear as much of the level as you can. At some point in each level, the game will stop throwing things on the black space. At this point, a time limit will appear and your goal then becomes to clear as much of the level as you can. The more you clear, the more points you get and the crazy creatures are yours to command. Truth be told, I got sucked into the fast-paced rhythms of Krazy Kreatures. It's the epitome of an addictive five-minute time-waster, a game that should be on the App Store for 99 cents. Don't play it expecting depth or substance and you may enjoy yourself.

B-

#348 - Knight Rider

                                                  Hasslehoff not included

Don't you hate being behind two semis when one's trying to pass the other? Good thing you have a gun equipped.

Disclaimer: I can't relate to anyone's fond memories of David Hasselhoff's adventures with a snooty, albeit awesome talking car, as the show went off the air when I was a mere one-year-old. I can say that, compared to other NES racing games, Knight Rider comes in somewhere around the middle Believe it or not, this really hassles my hoff, as there's a lot to admire about the game. In Mission mode, you have to keep track of your gas meter, time limit, and shield, on top of avoiding all oncoming traffic, especially the red cars/trucks which will shoot at you. You also have a gun and a jump feature, both of which work well. All of these mechanics add much-needed depth to the traditional NES racing style, but unfortunately, Akklaim only gets about half of them right. Gas runs out far too quickly, and while you can acquire more by shooting special yellow item cars/trucks, you're just as likely to get more time or another item you probably don't need. Your shield is likewise too weak, considering you're driving KITT the Wonder Trans-Am. A couple hits and KITT will explode, leaving nothing but a charred corpse, surprisingly well-coiffed hair, and shattered dreams. The gun works ok if you're at a distance, but don't shoot the devilish red cars up close unless you want to get pelted with bullets. The good news is, in Drive mode, you're free to simply drive through the levels without worrying about enemies. Unfortunately, you still have to worry about gas, time limits, etc. which seems to defeat the purpose of having a drive mode. Then again, KITT wasn't made to "drive." He was made to serve death to legions of terrorists, while spouting witty quips to hide his true masculinity. Or something. I never watched the show.

C-

#347 - Klax

Nothing says "rad" like a mangled pink hand. "You've been klaxing again, haven't you Billy?"

Electric Light Orchestra should have composed the soundtrack for this game.

Klax is a bold slap to the face of Tetris. Klaxsays, "Screw your outdated Soviet imagery and folk tunes. I'm going to be Tetris for the neon, opulent Nineties. Instead of shaped-blocks falling like manna from the heavens, simple Lego square pieces falling from a conveyor belt in space because God doesn't exist. Your primitive lengthy stacking field is no match for my condensed rectangular field. Sure, I'll include the ability to get a 'tetris,' but I'll call it a 'Klax.' Andmy players will be able to get Klaxes horizontally, vertically, and diagonally with only three blocks of the same color. Yeah, diagonally, I know. Take some notes. Perhaps the biggest overhaul to your aged gameplay are the inclusion of objectives. My levels aren't just blocks falling faster and faster until you can no longer see straight. I have goalsmy players need to meet in order to beat my levels. Get three diagonals in a row. Sound easy? That's because it's only level three. Why don't you start on level 11 where you have to get fifteen klaxes to progress? You can't because you're too backwards? That's because the era of the Soviet Union is over. Capitalism and freedom won. Klaxfor a new decade, baby! In the puzzle business, you either embrace progress or rust like so many iron sickles."

Wow, Klaxis a windy bastard, isn't it? I'd still rather play Tetris, but Klax is fun if you're looking for a new spin on the Tetris-esque sub-genre of puzzle games. So much for progress.

B-

#346 - KlashBall

Despite what this cover shows, you don't actually play outdoors, surrounded by adoring fans.

                    KlashBall looks confusing, but it's really just gussied-up soccer.

If KlashBall is the sport of the future, then it really needs to stop playing like soccer in a racquetball court. Four beefcakes face off against four other beefcakes on a claustrophobic court for possession of the "klashball." Pick one of three teams, choose either Knockout mode – a single match against one other team – or if you want your fill of KlashBall and then some, pick League mode, which pits you against ten other teams, one match after another. The gameplay is essentially a fast soccer game on a cramped, closed court, but at least KlashBall controls well. Switching between players is automatic and never a burden, and when you're in control of the ball, it's easy to glide along the court. Scoring is another matter entirely. The computer-controlled goalie is the bestgoalie since ::insert amazing goalie's name here::. It's absolutely insane trying to get a shot off of him, and the only time I did was when he was distracted with one of my other players. AI madness! Added frustration for me was trying to knock down the opposing team and failing, despite the fact that they could knock me down and take the klashball, no big deal. KlashBall keeps things fresh by adding tile powerups on the court, but for me, the action was so fast and/or furious, that I never went out of my way to pick them up. Perhaps the latter, along with my crippling disability for playing any sport at any time, is the reason why I suck at KlashBall.

C+

#345 - Kiwi Kraze

         I'm going to guess that this game sold poorly for obvious reasons.

This is the original title and cover for Kiwi Kraze. Much, much better and more accurate to the game.

                               The bird is wearing SNEAKERS! FREAK YEAH!

I've never been to New Zealand, but I'm pretty sure it's amazing there. Any country that gives the world the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, Flight of the Conchords and kiwi birds has to be a special place, indeed. Kiwi Kraze kicks New Zealand's awesomeness up another notch. It's a bizarre, endearing platformer that has you playing a kiwi and rescuing your kiwi brethren from zoos all around New Zealand. Cartoony guards and other zoo creatures will try to stop you, but you have an arsenal of lances, bombs, and lasers to keep them at bay. Instead of huge, open expanses, the levels actually feel like zoo enclosures designed to keep the kiwis trapped. Narrow paths with spikes around the borders of the area are common. Another clever touch: hijacking certain enemies' flying clouds to propel yourself upward or around obstacles. You also don scuba gear when you jump into the water, leaving those prone to cuteness, such as myself, with severe squee aneurysm. There are secret warps to discover, unique boss fights (get swallowed by a whale and blow him up from the inside!), and most of all, a main character who's so adorable, even his death scream will leave you squealing for joy. The little quibbles, such as the kiwi's poor jumping skills, are overshadowed by the amount of creativity and sweetness that went into this game. Score one for the island country that could.

A-

#344 - Kirby's Adventure

I wish Kirby was as popular as Hello Kitty. I'd totally rock a Kirby toaster.

                                  Kirby's Adventure 2: Kirby Visits Holland!

It's really hard to hate on Kirby. His puffy pink design (complete with puffy phalanges!) and ability to copy enemies' abilities gives him a cute, bad-ass appeal. His later games, like Kirby's Mass Attack or Kirby's Epic Yarn, have really expanded on the concept of what Kirby as a character is capable of, but earlier games such as Kirby's Adventure were all about simple platforming. Kirby's Adventure was indeed His Royal Puff-ness' one and only NES game, and while the game can be breezed through in an hour or less, it's still a satisfying, technicolor adventure.

If you've never played a Kirby game, Kirby's Adventureis the place to start. The original Game Boy games are fun, but the NES opened up the drab gray and green landscape that was Kirby's Dreamland and turned it into a colorful paradise. Kirby's pink-ness in particular bursts off the screen, while the tropical palette of orange, greens, and blues complement Kirby's upbeat personality. Kirby's ability to suck up enemies and gain their powers also makes its debut here. Powers include beams of light, fireballs, parasols, and the ability to turn into a wheel and decimate everything. The latter is a special boss power. PRO-TIP: always suck up the bosses after you've defeated them to gain their rich, tasty courage/powers. There are eight worlds and four stages on each world, along with some fun bonus games, like a crane game (pick up the largest Kirby for extra lives!). Despite the thirty-two levels, the game goes by rather quickly. Normally, I would view short length as deterrent to a game's enjoyment, but, to me, the length feels just right. Kirbygames never outlast their welcome.

As I was playing (quickly) through Kirby's Adventure last night, I wondered if I would give this game a good score, simply because it was a Kirby game. After all, a strong argument can be made against the game's lack of difficulty and brevity. I will say this: I don't enjoy Kirby's Adventure as much as I used to, but what does that mean? I don't enjoy "Aladdin" as much as I did when I was seven years old, but that doesn't mean it's not a great Disney movie. Both "Aladdin" and Kirby's Adventure are well-crafted, enjoyable examples of art made for kids that adults can also enjoy. Who can argue with that?

A

#343 - Kings of the Beach

          Truly this cover deserves a proper burial in a New Mexico landfill.

                                       Let the volleyball bro-down commence!

Beach please, Electronic Arts must have a mental disease! That crazy monolith of a company teamed up with Ultra Games to give NES players perhaps the greatest (only?) volleyball game for the NES. When this game was released, the go-go '90s were just around the corner. Kings of the Beach celebrates the end of a decade with some sun, shorts, and a whole lotta sand in your pants. Start off with a quick 2-on-2 match or, if you're feeling frisky, hit up a tournament. The tournament is where the true money lies. Each stage will take you to different locales and face you off against different tough guys who think they have what it takes to best your almighty mack daddy team of Sinjen Smith and Randy Stoklos. The gameplay is the same whether you're playing a match or a tournament: you serve, spike, block, and set up moves with your other partner. You can even argue totally bogus calls against the ref! Obviously, in a tournament, Smith and Stoklos need to bring their 'A' game. Might I suggest busting out the NES Four-Score to practice with some bro-dies? Virtual volleyball arguably doesn't get much better than a bunch of dudes sitting around an NES. Some burgers, some beers, a few laughs. Just don't go looking for pixelated chicks. This ain't Queens of the Beach.

B