#343 - King's Quest V

                           The alternate title was "Peter Pan Becomes A Man"

The graphics leave much to be desired, but the gameplay is pure adventure, baby.

Fans of old computer games speak fondly of the King's Questand Space Questseries. They're well-written adventure games that reward your intuition and attention to detail. King's Quest V, a port from the PC to the NES, is no different. You play as King Graham, a man of the people, and your quest involves getting your castle back from the evil wizard, Mordack. Seems ol' Mordack cast a spell on the castle that lifted it clear off the ground and into the ether, along with your entire family. With the help of the friendly talking owl, Cedric, and Crispin, a kindly old wizard, your castle is as good as returned.

Old PC adventure games don't really have "gameplay," as console gamers would define it today. The majority of King's Quest Vis spent searching for items and using those items at the appropriate time. An easy example would be in the very beginning when you encounter a vengeful bear. The only way to get past this bear is if you looked through the barrel in the first town and discovered the old fish. Chuck the old fish at the bear to satiate his bloodlust and be on your way. If that sort of lateral thinking in a game doesn't wet your whistle, I wouldn't bother with King's Quest. This goes double for the outdated mechanics. As fond as I am for these games, I'm not fond of hitting Select any time I want to do anything. If you want to talk to people, buy something, use an item to interact with another item, you have to hit Select to bring up the menu, highlight whatever action you want to take with the cursor, then drag the cursor onto the item or person you want to interact with. It's awfully clunky, but considering that King's Questis a PC port, I'm of the mind that it could be much worse.

Truly King's Quest Vis a game you either enjoy and appreciate for its challenge or despise for how stupid it makes you feel. I personally believe that everyone should give it a shot, if only to appreciate how streamlined (and, in my opinion, incredibly easy) games have truly become.

B+

#342 - King's Knight

At least Square didn't try to "Americanize" this cover with some beefy hunk and scantily clad bikini babe, although "action-adventure" is a real stretch.

This screenshot is obtuse, so allow me to explain: you're a thief boy on a tropical island shooting the wildlife.

Did you know that Squaresoft made a vertically scrolling shooter with RPG elements? Perhaps this is not news to any of you, but I'm stunned, not only of King's Knight's existence, but that no one's ever tried to improve on this bizarre, unique formula. For the first four stages, you begin playing as a different character. In Stage 1, you're the knight, stage 2, the wizard, stage 3, a dragon, and stage 4, a thief boy. The goal of each stage is to blast everything in sight (even knights and thief boys have weapons that shoot projectiles, apparently) and collect as many items as you unearth through shooting to increase your abilities and levels. Abilities to increase include your weapon, your speed, your defense, and your jumping capabilities. If any of your characters dies on their respective stages, they're gone for good and you may as well start over from the beginning. Essentially, the point of the entire game is to build up each character's levels on their stages, then on the fifth stage, you switch between them in order to defeat the final boss. Hidden collectible elements in each stage will also allow you to cast strong spells on this final boss.

Square was definitely ahead of their time here. Who would have known that twenty-some years later, RPG elements would be showing up in everything from Call of Duty to Street Fighter? While I applaud the overall concept, King's Knightis hampered down by some choppy controls and borderline obscene difficulty (it takes at least ten items of health to restore your life bar, and only three to destroy it?). Square's heart is definitely in the right place, though. Someone needs to resurrect this idea, stat!

B

#341 - King of Kings - The Early Years

                                                     The original cover...

... and the alternate cover. My guess is sales were slow, so Wisdom Tree tried to make the game look more action-packed. Hah!

What blasphemy is this that was born from the bowels of Wisdom Tree! Taking Bible stories out of context in Bible Adventures was bad enough, but did Wisdom Tree have to make a pseudo-sequel – with three games and Bible verses aplenty - based around the first few years of Jesus' life? Can you imagine some radical Muslim developer making a game around some of the holiest parts of the Quran? To do so would demean the text, and yet, Wisdom Tree, a supposedly Christian company with a fondness for publishing illegal games, found it ok to do this with the Bible. And yes, even if I put my personal convictions aside, the three "games" contained within are still horribly made. Behold!

The Wise Men: In this particular romp, you play as the three wise men on camels who must trek through the desert collecting gold, frankincense, and myrrh to present to Jesus in a manger. I should mention that the desert and most of the enemies appear to be "borrowed" from Super Mario Bros 2. Not only does Wisdom Tree make illegal games, they also blatantly copy other companies' ideas. Still, this is the best of the three games, in that, there's actually things to do. Being able to attack enemies and hop from platform to platform while avoiding other enemies is actually about as exciting as any of the three games get. Beware, 'The Wise Men' goes from 0 to ridiculously hard by the second stage. It doesn't help that your only attack is camel spittle (seriously). Bonus points do go to Wisdom Tree for actually trying to make a game here.

                                       Mind those crazy desert porcupines!

Flight to Egypt: And the downhill slide begins with this second game. Here you play as Jesus, Mary, and Joseph on a donkey riding to Egypt. In the Bible, they're escaping from King Herod's edict, which stated that every young male child in Bethlehem was to be slaughtered. Heavy stuff. In this game, they're escaping from bats, snakes, falling dirt, and especially boulders. The boulders will bounce, roll, and pummel their way towards the trio, and it's up to the donkey to get you out of it. Oy. Each level is pretty much the same – a straight dirt path with a dirt background – save for color palette swaps on every background. Like in the Bible, Jesus, Mary and Joseph eventually make it to Egypt, so at least they're sticking to the source material.

                  This is what I affectionately refer to as 'The Purple Stage.'

Jesus & The Temple: In this particular Bible story, Jospeh and Mary realize they left Jesus at the temple and go back to get him. In the game, Joseph must venture through waterfalls and caves and all manner of evil insects and animals, while Mary is in town, avoiding dishware being thrown from windows and bouncing on rooftops. I guess Wisdom Tree felt they had to spruce this particular portion up, but you're better off just reading the book. Joseph and Mary have no way to protect themselves so you're at the mercy of avoiding every enemy that comes your way. Jumping is a real crapshoot. Most of the time you jump into the path of other enemies, or just don't jump at all. I'm assuming they find Jesus at the temple. If you've read any of these stories before, the entire game is incredibly anticlimactic.

                                            Joseph on his way to the temple. 

This game is not an affront to society nor do I feel like its presence is damaging to the lives of retro gamers everywhere, but it begs the question, why? Why does it exist? Who benefits from this game? Christian gamers should be offended that King of Kings belittles Christ's early years and is boring to the point of unplayability. Other non-Christian gamers should be offended that Wisdom Tree tries to pass this off as "edutainment." If you want to learn about Jesus, read the Bible. If you want to play a game, play just about anything else.

F

#340 - King Neptune's Adventure

                    Fu Manchu is King Neptune in King Neptune's Adventure

I'm just gonna label this picture with a big, fat "Ugh" and leave it at that.

I'd say King Neptune deserves better than this, but in all reality, who the hell is King Neptune and why does he have his own adventure? Neptune was a Roman god, not a king. Anyways, whoever he is and whatever authority he lays claim to, you should forgo his quest entirely, for the good of your soul. Attempting to play through this game can cause severe sensory overload and overwhelming frustration, sometimes together. Goal: to collect Neptune's eight treasures from different parts of the sea, in a relatively non-linear, Metroid-like manner. You have two weapons at your disposal, a lightning bolt and a bubble bomb. The lightning bolt is worthless against anything other than smaller enemies, and you have a limited amount of bubble bombs. The latter wouldn't be so bad if bubble bombs weren't crucial to your advancement in the game. They're needed for boss fights, to blow through certain sections, and while you can get more by destroying enemies, they're too few and far between. Enemies don't regenerate unless you're in a certain area called the Open Ocean. This latter area, along with the Sunken Ship, are unequivocal game ruiners. Enemies literally emerge from nowhere onto King Neptune, causing him damage. In the Open Ocean, the green and red background clash with the green and red enemies who vomit green and red projectiles. I didn't know how I was getting hit half the time, and I wanted to curse this supposedly mighty King Neptune who was getting shredded to bits by the weakest of his creatures (starfish, really?). The Sunken Ship is a cluster of a mess of an area. You're supposed to bounce bubble bombs off of walls to blow up certain enemies, but the bubble bombs do what they will and do not follow your leading. God only knows what awaits you after you get past these two areas. At this point, only God will know. I'm not going back out in that water and I suggest you don't either.

F

#339 - Kid Niki: Radical Ninja

Kid Niki in no way resembles this mullet-driven beefcake. A pox on this cover!

                                       Is this racist? I'm still laughing at it.

"Atta Boy!" are the two words that appear on the top of the screen after Kid Niki successfully destroys a boss. To see such encouraging words of adulation in any game is stunning, let alone in a "primitive" NES game. Too often games are quick to deride, but not build up the player in their quest (Batman: Arkham Asylum comes readily to mind, as it's the "current-gen" game that I've most recently played). Some would say this derision builds up anger in the player, making him/her want to defeat the game that dares to challenge his worth as a gamer. But I digress. Kid Niki is cute, fun and emboldens you to be the most radical ninja of them all.

Kid Niki is your typical early NES platformer, with each stage consisting of running forward, hitting guys with your weapon, jumping from platform to platform and little else. I know I've often stated that simple level design can be a bad thing in games. Kid Niki's levels, rudimentary run-throughs though they may be, inject inspired Japanese craziness at every turn. Whereas Kid Niki is the one, the only radical ninja, your adorable ninja brethren – clad in blue, orange, pink, and other sherbet- inspired colors – will stop at nothing to take you down. The bosses range from crazy big-headed sumo men to creepy flying kabuki mistresses that multiply when you hit them. For me, creativity in the design of a game's denizens (and let's not forget good controls) can go a long way in elevating the overall appeal of the game. Perhaps Kid Nikicould have been a touch more difficult or included a wider variety of gameplay, but I'm content with what the game decided to bestow.

B

#338 - Kid Kool and the Quest for the Seven Wonder Herbs

Warning: the game is not nearly as American and stupid looking as it may appear. Nor does Kid Kool resemble Kid Chameleon in any way.

He may look like he's walking on sunshine, but he's actually knee deep in Bantha poodoo.

I don't care how kool this kid is or how wonderful his seven herbs may be. His game stinks like yesterday's patchouli. This comes as a bit of a disappointment, frankly. I would much rather Kid Koolbe fun, with its quirky Japanese stereotypes and Mario-esque gameplay, than Kid Klown, a damnable-looking, but surprisingly enjoyable game. But I don't make the rules or the games, so I'm stuck with Kid Kool's offensive, sluggish controls and boring level structure. Let's start with the controls: when Kid Kool runs, he controls like Mario, which, as we all know, is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, he can not just barrage his way through a level, thus some amount of walking is in order. When Kid Kool walks and tries to bounce on enemies heads without dying, he controls like Mario would in real life – like an overweight plumber who needs to take an extra couple o' breaths to keep from fainting. He's slow to turn and easy to hit, which is a wonderful combination for a one-hit death. Should you have Kid Kool's weapon, a weird strawberry-shaped creature that doles out delicious damage to every enemy, the game is a lot easier because you don't have to rely on Kid Kool's atrocious stomping abilities. This weapon only appears at the beginning of each level, though, so should you lose it, it's gone until the next stage. Kid Kool's second offense would be the poorly designed levels, which perhaps, wouldn't feel as poorly designed were it not for the controls. The game is your typical hop-n-bop platformer, move along, nothing to see here. Nothing to collect (the exception being the groovy herbs), nothing to do, except kill enemies and be on your merry way. Sometimes this simplicity is enough. With Kid Kool's propensity for frustration, deaths, and boredom, a little ingenuity in the level design would have gone a long way. Guess those wonder herbs will just have to rescue themselves.

D+

#337 - Kid Klown in Night Mayor World

You'd be forgiven for thinking this was the alternate cover for "Shakes the Clown."

                                                A real battle of the wits

I was worried that playing this game would give me nightmares (not "night mayors" – der hur), as I'm absolutely terrified of/hate clowns*. Thankfully, Kid Klown is as kid-friendly as they come, even in the klown department. It's also surprisingly fun, in spite of the boring lead character (his first name is Kid, he's a clown, and he has to rescue his family – he also talks to himself and wets his bed) and the relatively easy difficulty. It's completely doable to beat this game's six stages within an hour. The older I get, the less free time I have, the more I like these short, entertaining games. Kid Klownis your typical, late-gen platformer: kill enemies, jump from platform to platform, move to the next level. Your one and only weapon are your limitless supply of balloons, but balloons aren't just weapons. They can also be used to jump to higher places or to float over gaps. Collect the strawberries in each level for a chance to go to the bonus stage and refill your life, get extra lives, or add on to your health meter. Strawberries are delicious and very healthy for you, but collecting them is not why one plays Kid Klown. Nor does one play the game because one likes platformers or clowns or even night mayors. One plays Kid Klownbecause it's a good game, even though it has absolutely no right to be.

B

*For the record, the scariest things in the game are a snowman mid-boss, with its razor-sharp teeth and blood-red eyes; and the final boss, Night Mayor, who actually looks demon-possessed in his final form.

#336 - Kid Icarus

                                 Pit's got a little bit of a creeper smile going on.

                                      Pit stacks his hearts like we stack our bills.

Kid Icarus, like the original Zelda and Metroid before it, required too much from me as a young kid. This might sound crazy to those of you that grew up with those games, but I didn't want to dedicate the time and patience required in order to beat them. As a wee lad, I preferred the simple pleasures of Super Mario Bros, Sonic the Hedgehog, and other games of that ilk because you could pick up the controller, play for fifteen minutes, and move on. Looking back, I enjoyed the dungeons in Zelda and the moody atmosphere of Metroid, but the non-linear gameplay in each of those games frustrated my mushy seven-year-old brain. While Kid Icarusis a fairly straightforward platformer (save for the labyrinth levels), your platforming skills had to be the equivalent of the gods for you to succeed. Love it or hate it, Kid Icarusis tough, in the chew-your-nails-raw sense. Perhaps, as a child, I had a short attention span or perhaps my gaming palate just needed to be refined. Either way, both Zeldaand Metroid have grown on me since then, no thanks to my enjoying later games in the series. Until today, however, I had not fully explored Kid Icarus. I'm glad I did. Kid Icarusmay be too old-school and difficult for some of today's gamers, but I for one couldn't deny its effervescent charm. Take that, younger self.

In 1986, Kid Icaruswas truly a smorgasbord of new and unique ideas. World 1 and World 3 – the Underworld and Sky World, respectively – see you progressing vertically instead of horizontally, like in Super Mario Bros. A couple years before Zelda II was an apple in Miyamoto's eye, Pit could "level up" by killing enemies and acquiring points. The more points you got, the more your life bar extended. For some of the later bosses, leveling up is an absolute must. Even before the original Zelda, Kid Icarus had merchants and selectable items and weaponry. Many of these items – like the hammers – are slightly more optional than the items used in Zelda, but they're still worth collecting to make Pit's life easier in the game. As if that weren't enough, the game had a password system that generated every time you died a la Metroid, which released around the same time. We think nothing of these innovations today, but twenty-six years ago, these were groundbreaking. They arguably established Nintendo as one of the most forward-thinking developers of its time (a title I wish they'd strive to reclaim, but I digress...).

Innovations are nothing without fun gameplay, and Kid Icarus succeeds in this area, as well. The game is structured like a simple platformer, but the levels are well-developed and challenging. Pit takes some time to control, as his wings make him a tad floaty. The more you control him, the more it will seem like second nature. Before long, you'll be jumping over and around enemies while shooting others, hopping from levitating platform to levitating platform, all with 8-bit style and finesse. Much has been made about the game's difficulty. I liken the challenge to a more difficult Mega Man game or even Ninja Gaiden. Those games are frustrating, sure, but the rewards far exceed the amount of hair you pull out during gameplay. Enemies also have endearing designs: the goofy Grim Reaper (with his own theme song!) and the Eggplant Wizards, who will turn you into an eggplant with feet, are my personal favorites (what was with Nintendo and eggplants around this time?).

I think it's safe to say that I really enjoy Kid Icarus. I understand the complaints my younger self had with the game, but if I would have just given it the time and patience it deserved, I know I would have enjoyed it. I'm thankful that now, in my mid-twenties, I can appreciate the depths Nintendo tried to inject into the action platformer. Even during the initial success of Super Mario Bros., Nintendo wasn't content to rest on their laurels and churn out wave after wave of side-scrolling Mario games. Kid Icarustook risks. God bless it for that.

A

#335 - Kickle Cubicle

Irem couldn't have chosen a more disturbing cover for a really fun game.

                                                This is the humble first stage.

If it wasn't for my beloved Lolo series, Kickle Cubicle would have captured my heart all to itself – at least the part that yearns for delicious puzzle games. Here's the premise: Kickle has to rescue the four kingdoms, which have been covered in ice, no thanks to the evil Wizard King (wizards were a lot more ambitious during Kickle's time). Each kingdom has about fifteen-to-twenty stages each, and in order to advance, you must collect three Dream Bags on each stage. Use the enemies – particularly the regenerating blue puffballs – to your advantage. Each stage is essentially an ice island, with water surrounding you. By freezing the puffballs with your ice breath, you can turn them into ice cubes and push them into the water to make pathways to collect each Dream Bag. You can also erect blue blockades by pressing 'B,' which can protect you from the more aggressive enemies, like the bombs. Like Lolo, you use the enemies and environments to progress to other stages. Were that all gaming as pure and 'organic' as these puzzle-adventure hybrids.

In many ways, Kickle Cubicle is as ludicrous as the name from which it is derived. Once you collect all your Dream Bags on a particular stage, the entire ice island is decimated. Kickle barely escapes, thanks to his trusty red balloon. While he floats in the air, rejoicing in his victory, he's surrounded by a circle of dancing vegetables, fruit or toys, depending on the theme of that particular kingdom. Just watching this game in action makes you feel like you've entered some sort of Japanese group think, and yet, like the best Japanese games, the gameplay comes so naturally. Perhaps I can say this because I've delved deep into Lolo, but I never had to question what the game wanted me to do. Kickle Cubicle might not have the brain-benders of the Loloseries, but it's great for kids and adults who don't want to think so hard (admittedly, I find myself in this group more often than I'd like). It truly is a joy to play.

A-

#334 - KickMaster

Kicking an ethereal witch in space is a lot harder than it looks. Hence the closed-eye scream.

                                       Let the ogre-crushing commence!

If the shoe doesn't fit... kick it off because you're the KickMaster! Just don't kick it into the shoe salesman's face. You're not an evil KickMaster, after all. There's some story in KickMaster about saving the world from evil, rescuing the princess, and reclaiming your right to the throne. All well and good, but all that tiresome exposition gets in the way of what you really want to do: kick demons in the face over the course of eight back-breaking, potentially soul-corrupting levels. Seriously, these levels are hard. You better hope your foot lands square and true with each attack. Utilizing all of the unique lite-RPG elements are essential to winning in KickMaster. Every time you kill an enemy, it explodes with loot or EXP or health. The more you level up, the sweeter types of kicks you can do. The whole leveling-up system reminds me of Zelda II, without the needless grinding. Also, as you progress, you gain different types of magic, which you can switch between on the pause screen. You can summon lightning spirits to help you fight your battles (believe it or not, sometimes a simple boot to the jaw doesn't always work), refill your health, give you a shield, and even fly. These simple additions add replay value to an otherwise solid, if not slightly generic platformer. In fact, I'm surprised KickMasterhasn't gotten more cult love over the years. It's definitely worthy of mindless fan adoration. Kick on, you crazy master!

B

#333 - Karnov

Karnov smashes through every single era of time with his Iron Fists!

      When Karnov aches, he turns blue. No amount of 'K's will cure him.

Karnov is a soulless, heartless brute of a game, the kind that begs kids to subject themselves to the masochistic tortures lurking within its depths. Should you give in to Karnov's unrepentant siren song, you will be rewarded with addicting gameplay. Does this addiction make the game good? Absolutely not, and aye, there's the rub. Do you sacrifice your happiness and joy in order to do what very few have done and actually conquer Karnov's nine levels or do you acknowledge that the game is insanely hard, insanely flawed, and truthfully not that much fun?

Karnov is a fire-breather in search of the treasure of Babylon (what fire breather doesn'twant to roll around in Babylonian gold?). Along the way to obtaining said treasure, all manner of weird creatures from mythical lore attack him. Despite Karnov's considerable girth and charming mustache, it only takes two hits to kill him and this is where the game gets tough. It's almost impossible to dodge certain enemies' attacks, especially the evil faces on the wall in the second level. Early on, you can upgrade your weapon from just a simple fireball, to a three-pronged fireball attack and this certainly helps in the killing of ridiculous enemies. However, once you die, you lose the rights to use the upgrade, and in my relatively short time with the game, I never saw the upgrade again. It wouldn't have mattered if I did, anyway, as I kept dying. But I also kept playing. Such is the conundrum of Karnov.

There are other items that help in your advancement of the game. Collect fifty 'K' symbols to get an extra life. Bombs will help blow through bricks. Ladders will help you reach unreachable areas. For my money, these items are scattered too sparsely throughout the level to be of much help, but what do you expect when you're trying to get Babylon's gold? Money doesn't come for free. If there's any lesson Karnovhas to pass down to the children, let it be that one.

C

#332 - The Karate Kid

Master the Martial Arts! Apparently, in LJN's fractured worldview, there's only one kind.

Daniel sniffs his chopsticks, because really, what choice does he have?

The Karate Kid was one of LJN's first attempts to destroy a beloved movie franchise, and to that purpose, they were off to a good start. There's nothing here that purposely seeks to offend the senses as much as Karate Champ, but the entire game does reek of being hastily put together. In the first stage, you're forced (by Miyagi, natch) to fight three guys in a karate tournament. This section of the game goes by fairly smoothly because there's no real strategy to beating these guys: stay low to avoid their punches, hit low to knock down their life bar, and you're done. The last three stages see Mr Macchio enter a side-scrolling portion, where enemies charge you and you knock them all down. The enemies are all duplicates and repeated infinitum, so again, there's no real strategy to destroying them. Perhaps the biggest offense in these portions are the puny jumping abilities of the Kid and that you have to press 'Up' to make him jump at all. Thankfully, it's quite obvious to all that this is one of LJN's early works. The game, while filled with the company's typical, nonsensical additions (what's with the girl the Kid has to save at the end?), still, by the grace of God, ends fairly abruptly, sparing you the need to rip the cartridge out and throw it at some snooty jogger who passes by your suburban house and sneers in the window daily, thinking he's better than your cottage cheese butt. He might have a point, but there's no need for violence.

C-

 

#331 - Karate Champ

                         For better or for worse, this image sums up the game.

                              The streets of Compton is one of several levels.

More like Karate Chump, amirite brahs? I don't care if Karate Champ was one of the first games in the fighting genre, it plays, looks, and smells like rotting potato liquid. It's as simple as they come: You play as White Gi Student and your task is to fight Red Gi Student, all while your disapproving master looks on from above you ("I thought I trained these kids to fight, not flail their limbs akimbo"). While the game tries to play like more of a fighting simulator – think Virtua Fighter for the NES – its ambition is squashed flat by the capabilities of the developers. There are a surprising number of moves you can pull off with just two buttons and a directional pad, but good luck getting any of these moves to knock your opponent out. The collision detection is awful, which for a fighting game, is pretty much the entire point. You want your punches and kicks to land on your opponent's body. Oftentimes in Karate Champ, it looks like your attacks are connecting, but they don't register. On the other hand, Red Gi Student can successfully knock you out several times without issue; things that make you go hmmm. Unlike modern fighting games which have life bars, Karate Champ is mildly realistic: one solid hit and you're down. Two solid hits and the round is over. Two rounds and you either advance because you won or it's game over. One redeeming aspect is the early use of a garbled, granulated voice saying "Begin!" at the beginning of each round. I'm assuming your sensei's speaking. He should probably cut back on the opium.

D-

#330 - Kabuki Quantum Fighter

                         Until I find the righteous one... Computer Blue.

                      I bet most men wish their hair was that strong and springy.

Kabuki Quantum Fightermay be one of the most over-the-top Japanese games I've heretofore had the good graces to review, and that is a compliment of the highest order. To transform a strait-laced colonel into a full-on Kabuki Warrior in order to save the world from rampant computer programming is truly inspired madness. As so often happens with these ludicrous premises, KQFhappens to be quite the fantastic romp. Get your action platformer on through six-levels of dark, surprisingly gruesome computer nightmares. No robotic shark or roly-poly bug is safe from the attack of your flaming red hair, the likes of which Willow Smithwould be jealous of. The graphics are sinister and fantastic, and the animation of Kabuki is more fluid and graceful than I'd expect from the NES. While the energetic music keeps the blood pumping, the controls are what elevate this above the typical platformer tripe. Kabuki's movements are precise and spot-on, which is even more impressive considering some of the jumps you're forced to make in the game. I'm not sure if I would change anything about this game. While not quite a masterpiece, Kabuki Quantum Fighterpresents a unique spin on a genre that was, even in 1990, already becoming tiresome. Plus it's called Kabuki Quantum Fighter.

A-

H - J Statistics

Well, here I am: nearly halfway through the NES library. If I continue at my current pace of one a day, at this time next year, I'll stillbe reviewing games, but I'll be close enough to smell the fresh air of freedom. There's a reason no one person has yet to officially do this (that I know of). I've wanted to quit at least fifteen times already. Reviewing every game in a console's library is not a task normal people should take upon themselves, unless they're ready to question whether they've ever enjoyed video games in the first place. Once the initial plateau feeling wears off and you're in the thick of the library, surrounded by gray cartridges, wondering if there's a way out, weeping bitterly, but persevering anyway, that's when you know 768 games truly (to quote the foremost rap scholar of the 20^thcentury, Dr. Dre) "ain't nothin' but a G-thang."

# of Games Played that Began with the letters H-J: Only 51, surprisingly.

# of games featuring Globetrotters: Just one.

# of awful licensed games: 19, including tripe like Hollywood Squaresand Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure.

# of 1-on-1 basketball games (as if those were ever a good idea): 2 – Hoopsand Jordan vs. Bird

The only puzzle game I've ever played to involve disembodied heads: Hatris

Games reviewed that were part of "The Original 18": Hogan's Alleyand Ice Climber

# of awful games based on "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade": 2

Games that should be given awards for how awesome they are: Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu, Journey to Silius, and Jackal

Game that should be burned and their memory forgotten: Home Alone, Ikari Warriors II, and the game that currently has the most comments out of any game I've ever reviewed, Joe and Mac.

# of Games I Wish Were Good: At least 34.

As always, thanks for reading. Comments, praise, and criticism (maturecriticism) are always appreciated.

- Dylan

 

 

#329 - Jurassic Park

                   This might be one of my favorite logos of all time, no foolsies.

Don't even bother killing those little buggers. IT AIN'T WORTH IT, GRANT! IT AIN'T WORTH IT!

"Welcome... to Jurassic Park." Talk about four words that can shape a young boy's childhood. "Jurassic Park" came out almost twenty years ago and those lines, uttered by Sir Richard Attenborough, along with John Williams' stirring music and the brontosauri in the fields can still move me to tears. The film is one of the best action/suspense blockbusters of the Nineties, which is why, when I played the Genesis and SNES versions lo back in 1993, I was woefully disappointed. The Genesis incarnation captured more of the suspenseful movie feel, but the sludgy controls were a pain, while the SNES version played like a prolonged fetch quest. And now, as of today, I can say I've played the NES version and I'm still vexed that four words uttered by a kindly elderly gentleman can prove to have more weight than an entire game.

Nearly twenty years removed, Jurassic Park is not as bad as John Hammond attempting to play God and create large swaths of dinosaurs, but it is as mediocre as the stunted "Jurassic Park" sequel, "The Lost World." Like the SNES version, this version was created by Ocean. This means you're still fetching eggs, simply on an 8-bit scale. In order to progress, each area has a certain amount of dinosaur eggs that you need to either destroy or collect. My recommendation is to collect. You'll need all the ammo you can get, especially when the velociraptors start coming out in packs to feed on your tender vittles. Once you've collected the proper amount of eggs, you're given a keycard, which will then open up another area nearby. Go into that area – usually a building – collect more eggs, get another keycard, repeat until you're in the final area. To this game's credit, the "boss battles" are fairly unique. In the first stage, for example, you rescue the little boy Tim from stampeding triceratops'. You don't kill any of them, however. You just move out of their way as they come careening down the screen towards you. Other sections just have you completing the stages, but doing so is reward in and of itself. The later stages are utterly massive for a NES game, and that's when collecting eggs for a living starts to get tedious. Assorted grievances: when enemies burst forth from the shrubbery, they almost always hit you, which can take off up to a quarter of your life; also, every enemy re-spawns when you leave a room, including the tough-to-kill Dilophasaurs and Velociraptors. This game would be challenging enough without that. It boils down to this: if Spielberg's so into video games, why aren't video games based on his work as breathtaking as the original source? Because life isn't fair.

C

#328 - The Jungle Book

                              Here comes Mowgli's big honkin' feet to save the day!

            You must climb vines to progress in the game (vines sold separately).

And so, Capcom's reign as Disney's go-to developer comes to an end with The Jungle Book, a Virgin Interactive game that aims for the spirit of the movie itself. To that end, The Jungle Book is decent. There's a lot of content here (ten loonnnng levels) and each of the levels begin and end with plot progression straight from the film. You play as Mowgli and have to collect diamonds strewn throughout the jungle, non-linear style, before you can progress to the next level (methinks these could be blood diamonds, but I may have my continents mixed up). Collecting diamonds and jumping from treetop to treetop is pretty entertaining, but the controls can often punch a hole through that entertainment. Mowgli's jumping feels very stilted and stiff, like his muscles are sore from going through puberty during his sleep. It's not always constrictive, but I died many a time from Mowgli's poor jumping skills. It can also be frustrating to get to the end of the level and not have collected all the diamonds. At the end of stage 1, I had one diamond left to collect, but I couldn't get back over to the area where the diamond was and the game had saved my progress up until that point. Even if I died, I restarted in that one section, thus forcing me to start the level over. Despite these somewhat large kinks, The Jungle Book is still a solid Disney platformer. Capcom, eat your heart out.

C+

#327 - Joust

The world may be ending, but decency and order still need to be maintained.

                       This player has yet to make any tactical decisions.

Joust, my friends. Joust. Because when all else fails and life's getting you down, sometimes it's best to just mount an ostrich, faithful lance in tow, and get to murdering dozens of knights. This passion for medieval blood was strong in me when I was a child. I really enjoyed seeing how many levels of Joust I could conquer. Each level, or "wave" as us old-timers used to call 'em, consisted of a few platforms, enemy portals, and a couple lava pools where disembodied floating hands could bring unsuspecting stragglers to their doom – evil knights included. The whole point of the game was to kill the other knights and collect the eggs that dropped from their ostriches (for harvesting the young, of course). As the waves progressed, the platforms would dissapate into the black background ether and the enemies would get harder and faster (but not necessarily better or stronger). It's a simple old-school game that changed just enough each level for my eight-year-old self to be interested. But the age of eight also brought overwhelming amounts of pleasure from Ace of Base's "The Sign" album and watching "Aladdin" every day during the summer of '93. Joust, while certainly not a bad game, does not change enough from level to level to remain interesting, nor is the gameplay striking enough for the lack of diversity not to be an issue. Even as the game gets slightly harder with increasing enemies, the only real challenge comes from the game's intentionally unwieldy controls and that's never a good thing. Still, I can't deny that I couldn't stop playing the sucker today. Despite my critical issues, perhaps there's still some of that kid in me that just likes to skewer scores of dudes who have chosen ostrich riding as a point of pride.

B-

#326 - Journey to Silius

Unfortunately, the main character and the robot enemy ruin what is almost a perfect cover.

 
 Journey to Silius most resembles Mega Man in terms of gameplay and, at times, overwhelming difficulty.

Rescuing princesses?! Hah! Jay, the lead protagonist in Journey To Silius, has no time for such trifles. His father has just been murdered by space terrorists from the ruins of the planet Silius. Revenge is the only thing that will give him a warm sense of satisfaction. There are six stops, or "levels," on hisjourney, each one more cold and heartless than the next. Besides the overall decay and feeling of dread he feels, Silius' inhabitants are killing machines, who seem to have a thing for putting bullets into human flesh. Fortunately, Jay's packin'. Unfortunately, he only has a handgun and a shotgun. The handgun has unlimited bullets, thank God, but if he decides to use the shotgun, his ammo depletes quickly. He better hope some careless robot enemy leaves a stash of bullets after they die. As Jay progresses and kills some larger robots, these robots will leave extra weapons on the ground, like machine guns, homing missiles, laser rifles, and grenade launchers. Jay realizes these guns are special, so he holds onto them until he faces the overlord, or "boss" of each level. Without his extra weaponry, these overlord battles are mighty tough. In fact, one might say his entire journey is incredibly tough. The residents of Silius spew bullets like they're rich dictators throwing out candy to their starving children. It will take a lot of guts – both literally and figuratively - for Jay to complete his journey. But if you've got the stomach for the occasional disappointment and a heart that will not admit defeat, it's a journey well worth taking.

B+

#325 - Joshua & The Battle Of Jericho

The Wall looks like it's going to crush the horn players. Out of the way, chaps!

               Joshua subduing another random villager with his siren song.

Wisdom Tree's re-interpretation of biblical stories is either pseudo-artistic gold or downright sacrilegious, depending on one's point-of-view. I personally think if a company's going to publish illegal Christian games, they might as well give them gameplay that suits their storyline. In Exodus, which was ostensibly about Moses' journey to the Promised Land, you played as Moses and you collected manna and question marks to progress to the next level. How does a collect-a-thon lead anyone to the Promised Land? I didn't care much for Exodus, but Joshua, which is in every way a sequel, fares a bit better. I attribute this to the lack of an 8-bit version of "Father Abraham" playing every few seconds, but also because I knew exactly what to expect from the moment I saw the first level. Joshua is, for all intents and purposes, the exact same game as Exodus, except instead of collecting manna and question marks, you collect screaming faces and random material goods, like pots, that represent money. I should say, you chooseto collect these goods, as they have no bearing on whether you advance or not. Once you've found the five hidden screaming faces, an Atari-esque portal opens up and you make your way to the next round. Each round contains Canaanites, Amorites, and Hittites to avoid (if they touch you, you die) or to blast apart with your gift of song (your weapon is musical notes blasted from your mouth). The biblical questions are still here as well, except you'll need to mine the book of Joshua for answers instead of the book of Exodus. It's classic Wisdom Tree: mining the Bible for inspiration and sales from wary Christian mothers who wouldn't want their child to play some violent (but legal) game, like Contra.

If I were to make a liberal David Lynchian interpretation of how Joshua actually measures up to the book of Joshua, it would go a little something like this. The screaming faces you have to collect in order to advance represents both Israelite frustration at being stuck in the wilderness, and God's anger towards the Israelites for their lack of obedience. The goods represents the spoils of war that you can choose to take or not. Joshua sings songs of deliverance as he sneaks around these heathen cities. If discovered by the enemy, depending on the strength of the pagan, said song could either bring the pagan to his knees or enrage him further. This is probably all bullcrap, but it gives my writing degree something to do.

C

The Way I Review Games

When I first started this blog, the two goals I had were as follows:

1) to review every NES game in alphabetical order

2) to write said reviews in whatever manner I felt like

My first few reviews were very esoteric in nature, but as I played more games, my review size increased and I began to write them in typical "reviewer" fashion: I'd give an intro paragraph, summarize the gameplay, the graphics, music, controls, etc, then close out the review. My reviews were always about three to four paragraphs long, which was fine. But as I've grown more Internet-savvy, I realize that people have incredibly short attention spans on the Internet. People graze on sites, they don't linger. As such, I wanted to have a review format that accommodated what I believe to be the majority. So on August 24th, 2011, I posted this statement:

"I've also decided to take on a new format to account for decreased attention spans all across the Internet (myself included). Basically, I will only be writing one paragraph per game review, unless the game has been influential or has had a profound effect on me. I would like to call this the "Robert Christgau" or "Leonard Maltin" style. For those not in the know, Robert Christgau is one of the most respected rock critics in the majority of music circles, while Leonard Maltin is a film critic who puts out a best-selling movie guide every year. Personally, I respect Christgau more than Maltin because Christgau can actually write, while Maltin can only summarize. Both of them, however, write short, paragraph-long blurbs about new albums or movies whenever they come out, and the occasional long piece, should the work dictate such effort. As for me, I don't mind writing page-long reviews, but quite frankly, I've realized that I don't think many NES games are worthy of such dedication . Since this whole reviewing exercise has been, from day one, a way for me to improve my craft, what better way than to reduce a game review to its essence."

In other words, if you're looking for in-depth, detailed reviews of old Nintendo game, I might suggest moving along to the GameFAQs Reader Reviews or even NESGuide.com. You won't always find what you're looking for on either of those sites, but you have a greater chance of reading an in-depth review of your favorite game than on my site.

 I welcome any and all criticism and I will, more often than not, respond to it. I do not tolerate trolls and I will delete any obnoxiously rude comments. For crying out loud, people, these are Nintendo games. Save your anger for something more important.

Finally, and most importantly, thanks for reading. I'm a critical curmudgeon at times, but I really appreciate the interest and support I've gotten.

- DC

#324 - Jordan Vs. Bird: One On One

                                       This could have been a Wheaties cover...

Larry Bird decides to bust out the funky chicken during the game to distract Jordan.

When two basketball heavyweights from the 80s and early 90s sell their names to a video game, you know they made a lot of money doing it. What you don't know is if said game will rock thine world. Everybody loves Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, but when it's just them competing against each other in a dingy basketball court in South Central L.A., how interesting can the game be? It depends on your predilection for various game modes, wherein you as Jordan/Bird face off against Bird/Jordan in a myriad of ways. You can play a regular one-on-one game with all of the whimsy that that entails oryou can hit it up, streetball style, and play "to 11" or "to 15." There's also the Slam Dunk Contest, with Judge Jordan presiding over his line of dunks. Choose whichever dunk you'd like to do (it helps to actually know how he performs them – my personal favorite is the Dr. J Slam), then execute them in front of a scoring squad. You have to be really precise in this mode and perform the dunk to the tee. Next, there's Follow the Leader, which has you watching the computer perform a move/dunk, then directly imitating them; perhaps the least essential or interesting mode of the game. Finally, there's a 3-Point Contest, where the previous controls of the game go out the window. Instead of simply pressing 'B' to shoot and watch some million-dollar swish action, you have to hold 'B' and press 'A' mid-jump to release the ball. You only have sixty seconds to perform as many three-pointers as possible, but don't be surprised to find yourself beaten. The computer – Bird or Jordan - is relentless in this game. I tried channeling my inner Bird (I am incredibly white), but I still couldn't steal the ball or do much in the way of defense for the life of me. Was I disappointed? No, because I don't care if I'm bad at basketball. I had a perfectly mediocre time playing Jordan Vs. Bird. The review is over.

C-

#323 - John Elway's Quarterback

  'Cause nothing sells a game like some goofy dude sneering at his audience!

    All those extra, discarded "Lost in Space" robots had to go somewhere...

For someone who actively dislikes football, nothing raises the bile like playing a football sim. John Elway's Quarterback is unfortunately just that, thus I'm not sure whether the game is just bad or whether I could care less. Honestly, I have no idea what's going on in the game nor do I want to learn the available plays in order to understand a twenty-five year old NES football game. What I do understand: it's nearly impossible to gain any ground when you're on the offensive, the players all look like overweight robots, and I didn't enjoy anything that was going on. When you're on the offensive and trying to run the ball to the opposite goal line (I'm probably not spouting correct football jargon, bear with me), the players will tackle you. This is nothing new. What is frustrating is my players' inability to throw the ball to other players. I understand football's not supposed to be like basketball, but when I aim the ball in a certain direction, I'd like it to move in said direction. If it's your turn to be on the offensive, after every play, you get to choose another play. These plays have fun names like "Bomb," "Shotgun," "Screen," etc. I get the basic gist of what they're trying to portray but I have no idea how to actually pull them off. Even if you were to pull them off successfully, I'm not sure how you would know. When you're in the midst of the brutal ballet, the robotic players just look like piles of pixels. John Elway's Quarterback confuses and infuriates, which means, for those of us who shun football, the game needs to be played with a handful of antacids or, preferably, not at all.

D-

#322 - Joe and Mac

Who'd want to rescue the neanderthal equivalent of Kate Capshaw from "Temple of Doom" anyway?

The graphics have a certain Bonk flavor to them, but Joe and Mac doesn't even begin to approach the depth of Bonk.

I've already expressed my hearty disinterest in having cavemen be the main characters in video games. Could they be more one note? Mario in the original Super Mario Bros. carried with him more personality in his carefully constructed pixels than Joe, Mac, Chuck Rock, or any of the wizards over in Caveman Games. Indeed, Joe and Macdoesn't make a good case for neanderthals as a building block for a solid video game. When I wasn't ho-humming my way through the swarms of enemies in each level, I was getting frustrated that every time Joe received an "upgrade" for his weapon, it actually made the weapon weaker. In Level 2, I obtained something that looked like a sharp feather. How is this better than the large, sturdy wheel I was throwing, I asked myself? After trying in vain to kill a plant that shot fireballs (original, I know) with said feather, I had my answer: why the butt did the game take away my wheel?! Never have I encountered a game where one's upgrades are actually downgrades. Certainly in Castlevania or Ninja Gaiden, you can obtain weapons that vary in their degrees of inflicted damage, but... at least they still damage. Oog-poor weaponry aside, the levels have absolutely nothing of interest within them besides the enemies, and even those are derivative. If I'm going to play as the least-enjoyable archetype known to man, I want the environments to look cool and the gameplay to be fun, even if it's a simplistic hop-and-bopper. Adventure Island, certainly a cousin to Joe and Mac's ethos, may not have been the most original game, but at least it had a wide variety of jungle enviros to keep cool. Joe and Mac is like breaking a mirror because you think, beyond the mirror lies a unique, enrapturing world. In reality, your hand is bleeding and you need a new mirror.

D

#321 - Jimmy Connors Tennis

"The force of this ball against my racket is ripping me apart!" - Jimmy Connors

            The lack of Mario as the referee really destroys the mood of the game.

It's not my tennis. It's not your tennis. It's Jimmy Connors' and you best recognize. Well, as far as this jaded gamer is concerned, he can keep his half-assed approach to tennis. He might be one of the most famous and best tennis players of all time, but that doesn't mean he has the right to inflict his well-worn talent on us common folk. At least he keeps it simple from the get go. You either choose to "play" or "practice" the game of tennis, and if neither of those options are to your liking, you should spit on Jimmy Connor's shoe or something. I chose to "play" because you shouldn't have to practice the game of tennis. What's not to understand about two underdressed individuals hitting a ball back and forth with rackets? Get into the game, and you soon realize that a) your shots are made by using the 'A' button and the directional pad and b) the game's incredibly boring. The former is annoying as (tennis) balls because you never feel like you have complete control of your swing. Even Nintendo's original Tennis got the controls right. As for the game's lack-of-fun-factor, this is no-frills tennis we're talking about here. Even the music makes the game sound livelier than it really is. If you can boogie with some trembly back-and-forth serves, then you're a person willing to overlook more in their tennis game than I.

D