#101 - Bubble Bath Babes

That's right... "forplay."

Cropped for your protection

I've never understood the appeal of porn in a game. There's no guy in his right mind out there who would say, "Eh, I don't need to actually watch porn. I'll just get my pixel fix and call it good." Sadly, Bubble Bath Babes isn't even the first porn game ever created, though it's definitely one of the rarest. It's sold for as much as twelve hundred dollars on eBay; to someone who's an NES collector, instead of a virtual perv, no doubt. There were several "nudie" games for the 2600, Custer's Revenge being the most infamous among them (feel free to look up the objective of that game on your own). The trend seemed to die down for awhile, until the early Aughts, when BMX XXX and The Guy Game reared their ugly heads. Ever wanted to see a skank's boobs while she's doing tricks on a bike, whether she's real or not? Yeah, no one did, and games that focus on nudity have gone underground again, though I wouldn't count them out. For some reason, developers are hell bent on believing consumers would rather pay to look at boobs than to get them for free on the Internet; which leads me to say, Activision, if you're throwing money away on a "guy" game, I would happily take a check.

Bubble Bath Babes could have sold many a copy, were it not limited by its own "assets," and I say that in all seriousness. It's a puzzle game that reminds me of an upside-down Tetris combined with hints of Puyo Pop (...Mean Bean Machine, for you crazy mustachioed Americans). Basically, the concept is awesome, despite the lewdness surrounding it. A young naked woman is taking a bath at the bottom of the screen, and the bubbles that float up from her bath are the bubbles you arrange at the top. The bubbles come paired in fours and are in a variety of colors, while the object of the game is to connect four bubbles of the same color. Mix and match colors for combos and more points, a la Puyo Pop. Once you figure out how to rearrange the different colors within the bubble cluster, it becomes more fun than you would expect. One wonders why Parisian Entertainment felt the need to deprive themselves of potential millions of dollars by throwing naked women into a solid puzzle game.

The most ironic part of the game is that, while you're playing, you don't even notice the naked woman at the bottom of the screen. Because the gameplay is actually fun, and the bubbles float away from the image, your focus is never on the nudity. It is true that many of the bubble shapes resemble penises or just appear phallic (because we all know how arousing bubbles can be), but that's the only reminder that, yes, you are playing a Nintendo game that was intended for adult shops only. I've read that the farther you get in the game, the more naked women come out of their bathtub to congratulate you on a bubble well popped. I can't verify that, though, because, well, I don't care about virtual boobies.

I still have two more "questionable" games to play through: Hot Slots and Peek-A-Boo Poker. I know what you, the reader, are thinking and you're right: Hot Slots is a fantastic, hilarious name for a porn gambling game. Why have one vice when you can have two at the same time? Both of those games are worth a mint, by the way, so if you're sitting on them in shame at home, now would be the time to sell them to some other lonely soul. As for Bubble Bath Babes, some enterprising young minstrel should really take the puzzle within the excuse for nudity, fine tune it, lose the bathers, and put it out on Xbox Live. You can call it Tetryo Pop. You're welcome.

B (for game)

F (for attempt at arousal within game)

#100 - BreakThru

  Woops, wrong image!

When cadets get drunk...

 I was really hoping for a more pastel blue on the tank, but you can't win 'em all


So I guess I've finally "broken through" to 100 game reviews!... yes, I'll wait until the two of you stop laughing. It's ok, it really wasn't that funny of a joke, or a joke at all. Moving on... I'd like to thank everyone that's been keeping up with these "daily" bundles of joy! I'm not sure what I had in mind when I first started, but I certainly wouldn't have envisioned getting to the 100th review and still being on the letter "B," that's for sure. For those that are curious, yes, I still love writing these reviews if only because I feel complete freedom to write however I want, depending on my mood. Personally, I feel that real game journalism or criticism is a good thing, but writers do have a tendency to take game reviews too seriously. As a result, the majority of game reviews tend to sound very similar. I wanted to switch it up a little bit, which is why, unless a game is just fantastic and should be addressed as such, I try and give a light-hearted/craptacular feel to each review. It makes me happy and it's different. Not all of my reviews hold together as well as they could, and I don't probably give as much time to games as I should, but that's what makes the reviews special, con sarn it. They're just so darn slapped together! Thanks again for reading, and here's to approx. 665 more reviews!

When I saw that Breakthru, a game I had never played or heard of, was to be my number 100, I got out my gamblin' dice, blew on 'em, shook 'em up real good, and threw 'em on my Texas Hold'em Poker Table for some reason. You guessed it: snake eyes. The worst part about snake eyes is, until the dice both land, you think you have a shot at a higher number. Breakthru begins like it's going to be a decent NES adaptation of a game obviously made for arcades. You're a truck, you're plowing through the mountains, you're shooting stuff that comes at you. It appears to be total Eighties greaties, and it complemented my viewing of "Predator" this evening (seriously just watched "Predator" for the first time tonight - my abs grew by thirty percent!). But then, as the amount of cheap deaths grew and grew, the other dice landed and I wept. My one-hundredth review was to be... a crappy game.

Breakthru would be a rip-roarin' good time, if it weren't for the crappy controls. Instead of pressing "A" to accelerate, like every other NES racing game ever, you push right on the "D" pad. This frees up the "A" and the "B" button to be "jump" and "shoot" respectively. A seemingly wise decision, until you realize that going fast is tantamount to instant death, and slowing down is tantamount to a slower death that you can easily see coming, so you're free to shout "NOOOOO!!!!!" as your truck explodes. I'm going to paint a picture of the first level: you're driving fast, shooting stuff, dodging out of the way of trucks and what-have-you, when suddenly, a rainstorm of boulders falls on you and you die. Alright, take it slower. You do this, shoot up the boulders after they fall, and they can't hurt you. Perfect, until you run into an avalanche of rocks that you can only jump over when you're going fast. So after experimenting and finding what I believed to be the perfect mix of precision, speed, and awesome, I propelled my truck forward past the falling boulders, past the rock avalanches (two separate things, trust), and finally, two large missiles came out of the sky and made me explode. And yes, after trying to get past the missiles repeatedly, I cursed the number one-hundred with all my might.

When you "game over," the title screen comes up and the cursor is automatically set to continue. I've seen games do this before, and have been able to turn them off without issues in the past. For some reason, despite my disgust for Breakthru, I couldn't stop playing it; simply because the cursor was set to continue instead of "Player 1." I kept playing it and playing it, and dying and then dying some more, until finally, I set the controller down and realized I had a problem. Why was I playing this masochistic game? I needed something that was less entrancing, addictive, and horrible. With trembling knees, I stood up and saw the poker table where I had rolled the dice. I smiled as I had an epiphany. Enough with these terrible Nintendo games! Gambling shall be my new hobby! So now I'm off to the casino on the senior bus and I don't know if I shall return to these reviews. Let it be proclaimed now and forevermore that, even if I don't make it out of the buffet line alive, Breakthru was a soul-shattering game.

D-

#99 - Break Time: The National Pool Tour

Dennis the Menace: Pool Shark for Hire

Keep thinking, Ed. Just think both of our lives away.

After a hard week's worth of vampire killing, there's no better way to unwind than with a couple games of virtual pool - at least that's what Van Helsing tells me. He should have recommended Lunar Pool. I'm not sure what special type of downers the designers of this game were on when they programmed it, but wow: I've never played a slower, more frustrating game of anything ever; maybe an un-translated mahjong game from a bootlegged 42 'n 1 cartridge, but even that had its good times. I'll write this, and I'm pretty sure I've written it before, but whatever: if you're going to reproduce a "sport" or "game" in the virtual game realm - such as pool or baseball or fly fishing or whatever - make it resemble the actual game in every way, or just make it as cartoony and as goofy as possible; don't try and do both. Break Time fails at life because it tries so hard to be a "serious" pool game, without attempting to fix the mechanics that prevent me from taking it seriously.

I'll give Break Time this: if you're really interested in pool, it gives you a lot of options. You're able to choose from four different types of pool games: eight-ball, nine-ball, rotation, and 14-1 Rack Game (also known as "Straight Pool"). If you're not a pool fan, or just don't know the rules of the game and are curious, I will include this handy link for you if you really want to go that extra mile in learning. Otherwise, just know that all you have to do is sink the balls into the pockets, sometimes in different orders depending on the game. On top of the game options, Break Time also gives you the ability to play through a "National Pool Tour" - which runs through each of the different games listed above as you traverse the country - or simply practice to bone up on your "skillz." For those who want to put a lot of time into their virtual pool game (probably about as productive as virtual bass fishing, but I'm not here to judge much), you may find a lot of rewards, but it will take a lot of slogging through mud to get there.

I hate mincing words: actually playing pool in this game is about as fun as drowning in a vat of hot soup, and not nearly as tasty (depending on the soup, of course). It takes forever to actually get through a full game of pool, no thanks to your opponent who's always "thinking" about his next shot. Line up the cue, try and plunk the ball in, and let's get going, man! This isn't chess here, Ed the Cowboy (my preferred opponent, due to his beginner status). You as the player aren't allowed to go very fast either. First, you place your cursor where you want to hit the ball, then you charge up your shot, and then finally, you hit the ball. If the balls are clustered together, you can kiss any hope for a decent shot goodbye. Even if you charge up your shot to the highest level, the balls will act like they've barely been hit. Only when the balls are separated from each other do you have a chance at actually sinking a shot. Such crappy physics pretty much destroy any chance of this game being fun.

Break Time? More like "Break the Break Time cartridge Time!" Perhaps more patient players than I can find some enjoyment to be had, but regardless, the poor ball physics... there's just no excuse. For a developer to go the extra mile with options and then skimp on the actual game itself is slightly horrifying and mind-boggling. It's the less astute gamers who suffer: they look at themselves, at Break Time, and wonder, "Perhaps I'm the one that's the problem, not the game. Perhaps I just need to practice more in the 'practice mode.'" Don't believe the lies that FCI is trying to sell you. This game deserves to be sunk into the side pockets of hell for its crimes against the virtual pool community.

F

#98 - Bram Stoker's Dracula

I'm not sure what the background is supposed to be. A skeleton in a rocking chair with a Pharoah hat on?

Get the coin, Mario-er, Renfield!


Back in the early 90's, nobody gave a "guldurn" when it came to movie video game adaptations. Who would have thought to adapt Francis Ford Coppola's "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (heheh) into a video game for EVERY SYSTEM KNOWN TO MAN? The movie has violence, blood, vampire threesomes, so hey, why not make it into a video game played predominantly by prepubescent males? On a side note, remember "Cliffhanger," the thrilling Sylvester Stallone piece? Yup, they adapted it into an NES game, and you better believe I can't wait to play that gem when I get to the letter "C." Anyways, when I play a game that was made for every system, I'm wary. Were developers really so swoll with cash that they were able to make five different versions (NES, SNES, Genesis, Sega CD, Master System?!)? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they would just make one crappy version and swap them around. Having never played the other versions of BSD (that's how I txt the title to my friends, yo), I can't say for sure. All I know is I'm surprised by how much the NES version doesn't suck.

It's your typical side-scroller, which in late 1993, was a played out genre on the NES. Nevertheless, it manages to get the job done. As I romped my way through the relatively easy stages, I thought of the game as "Castlevania-lite." Not only do you fight vampires (each boss battle is a different incarnation of Dracula - which is surprisingly cool), you battle banshees, Hydes, ghosts, disembodied hands, the works. You even hit honest-to-God, lightly glowing, completely-stolen-from-Mario question blocks to get different weapons or items. Most of the time, though, unless you're pining for extra hearts, you're better off with just your sword; the axes have a bizarre range and the mini-orbs only work if your enemy is coming towards you in a straight line. Each world has two different levels and once you reach the end of the second stage, you fight my-first-Dracula. Rinse and repeat for five stages (or eight, if you're on hard mode) and you're done! The game is over in a snap, Drackle, pop.

Perhaps the worst thing I can say about the game is that nothing stands out. The gameplay is serviceable, but unremarkable. The graphics are passable, but nothing here screams "late-gen NES" like Kirby's Adventure or the later Mega Man games; the animations too are subpar. Controls are surprisingly decent, although every so often the main character's becomes unstable from jumping, which can send him flying across the screen into pits of spikes or lava. The most offensive thing in the game would be the music, which tries desperately hard to sound orchestral and imposing, but instead comes off like a third-rate music student's final project.

I know that, back in the day, game companies had movie licenses by the billions, and basically did all they could to ensure that, if a movie was made, a game adaptation wouldn't be far behind (Hudson Hawk, anyone? I'm not kidding. It exists). My question is, who is the NES version of Bram Stoker's Dracula marketed towards? My best guess would be kids who wanted to see all the violence, blood, and sex of the movie, but were too young so they had to settle for the game, in hopes that there might be some 8-bit pixelated "action." Sorry kids: there's not even any poorly rendered cut-scenes. For everyone else who just wants to play a game on a lonely Friday evening, you could do worse. You could also do a lot better (Castlevania III, for starters), hence my very average grade of...

C 

#97 - A Boy and His Blob: Trouble on Blobonia

The rejected name was "Zack Morris and his Melted Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man Misadventures"

 














Even the blob and 4 root beer jellybeans can't save you from the swaying line of white pixels. Trust.



This is one of those games I'd imagine would have benefitted from a massive Nintendo Power strategy guide back in the days before GameFAQS. Otherwise, you as a five-to-twelve-year-old would have one lost weekend on your hands. David Crane and his cronies at Absolute Games have created a real noodle-scratcher: on one hand, conceptually interesting, but poorly executed. A Boy and His Blob (as if blobs can ever be owned by any one person, please and no thank you, blobs are by themselves, for themselves, and one day they will rise up agai-) is a sad misconception, and from what I hear, was remade into the game it should have been on the Wii. The sad part is, more people bought the confounding NES version!

I really want to like this charming coming-of-age bromance between a boy and his mound of ooze, but the execution of the game flies way over my head, somewhere between Koei strategy games and sports simulators. You begin in a "run-down back alley" in the evening (cue SF4 announcer - Boy V. Blob go!) with only a white smiling blob and a bag full of twelve "equal-but-differently-flavored" jellybeans. Each of the flavors change the blob into different things, all of which allow you to get around within the game. The fact that the blob can morph into a hummingbird, a ladder, and a rocket among other things is awesome because you, as a boy, are physically challenged and can't jump. That's how you know this is a puzzle game and not a platformer, by the way. You will be spending the majority of your days figuring out when to use what jellybeans. In the end, though, it's all about trial and error.

Personally, I'm a fan of video-game logic. If a wall has cracks in it, shoot it. If there are gaps between platforms, jump over them, not through them. A Boy and His Blob lacks any steady gaming logic that I could find in the brief time that I tangoed with it. In the first area, you venture down into a sewer. The sewer is divided into two sections and it doesn't look as though you'll be able to break through, until ::GASP!:: you feed your blob a punch jelly bean, he turns into a hole, and you can sink to the bottom section. Move all the way to the left, feed your blob a licorice jellybean, he turns into a ladder, collect some monies, bam, you're feeling good about your blob-feeding skills. But then... there's no way to get back up to the surface. I looked up GameFAQS on how to progress through the sewer and you're supposed to turn the blob into a hole again, but there's nothing on screen that would dictate this; other than you can't go back the way you came. Perhaps for some players this wouldn't offend, but it really ruffled my feathers to the point of non-playability.

I understand that non-linear games still existed during the days of the NES, and the concept of non-linearity itself doesn't offend, but I don't take pleasure in random happenstance in games. Castlevania II? Not a fan. Zelda II? Not a fan. Both of those games contain what-do-I-do syndrome, to the point where I no longer cared about either game. A Boy and His Blob reminds me of those games, except for one thing: the concept is so unique, I wish the game worked. I could see myself playing through this game (with an FAQ by my side), just to see where the boy's misadventures with his magical jellybeans would take me. It has the potential to be a charming, esoteric adventure - something the developers at WayForward realized when they "re-imagined" it for the Wii - and this makes its poor design all the more disheartening.

D+

#96 - Boulder Dash

I hate to disappoint, but your character in the game looks nothing like this goofy Australian wannabe.

This is a screenshot of the first level - one of the few levels where mild pleasure can be found.


First of all, the title. Who doesn't love a delicious pun? For those not in the know on their hip Forties slang , the term "balderdash" means nonsense. Old slang is so much more interesting than new slang, I feel. How would anyone ever come up with the term "balderdash"? I can pretty much say that any slang punk kids use today comes from crazy pronunciations of pre-existing words ("brah") or abbreviations via txt (the ubiquitous "OMG"). Yes, "balderdash" is a gem of a word, but Boulder Dash is a rough lickspittle of a game. It tries to go for the cutesy puzzle feel a la Lolo, and instead stumbles upon its own ambitions, limited though they may be.

The game threatens to be good, at least in the first couple levels. You play a driller, just drilling your way through miles of dirt and avoiding the boulders that threaten to fall on you from every which angle. Your main goal is to collect a certain amount of diamonds, and once you've reached that number, find the exit. It's not exactly a puzzle game in the strictest sense, but you do have to be careful how you traverse through the dirt. The boulders have specific ways they will fall. Obviously, you shouldn't go under a boulder, nor should you be to the side of a boulder as you break the dirt around it, because it will roll to the side and kill you. As I progressed, my heart wasn't filled with whimsy, per say, but I'm pretty sure I felt something that slightly resembled amusement.

Then the fourth level happened and, try as I might, I could not get past it. Instead of collecting diamonds right from the get-go, you are obliged to kill butterflies that are trapped in these open squares surrounded by sand. Despite the fact that you have a drill and could easily annihilate the world's butterflies with it, you kill them by precariously setting up the boulders so they fall through the sand and kill the butterflies, releasing spurts of diamonds from their crushed corpses. Sounds great, but the butterflies have lightning-fast reflexes and they're not too pleased with your drilling ways. The second they're released, they will kill you, and the boulders take their sweet time rolling down into the open square. You never have a chance. I never had a chance. I tried several times to take the evil level-conquering butterflies down, to no avail. I've decided the game's broken, therefore we're not friends.

It's a shame, too. As I started the game, I thought I had a real sleeper hit on my hands. Collect the diamonds, avoid the boulders, the fifty or so levels get more complex as you progress, boom, instant B- rating. I move on to A Boy and His Blob, everyone's happy (except for me because I'm pretty sure A Boy and His Blob is terrible). But no, they had to mess with the game's already sloppy physics, with the boulders sliding onto insects. It doesn't get better as you progress, either. Weirder enemies come into play, boulders are replaced by giant Easter Island heads, and the diamonds you collect are nowhere to be found, which means you probably have to kill aforementioned weirder enemies with said Easter Island heads. In the end - YES YOU SEE IT COMING - with the exception of the first three levels, this game is...

...wait for it...



... let's all say it together...







BALDERDASH!!!

D+

#95 - Bonk's Adventure

There's nothing a little raw meat can't fix when you're constipated.

Yes, yes... Bonk is indeed "going bonkers."

Bonk is a mascot from the late Eighties and early Nineties that doesn't deserve any hatred, unlike say, Aero the Acrobat, Bubsy, James Pond, etc. With his bulbous head, intelligent eyes, and cutesy grin, Bonk is a simple, well-designed character that transcends his caveman limitations; it also helps that he's not an overcooked furry rodent attempting to be Sonic. His games on the Turbo-Grafx 16 aren't half-bad either, with each addition to the series adding something new to the traditional side-scrolling gameplay. The last of his games, the Air Zonk series, transformed Bonk into a cyborg and placed him in a futuristic shmup world, filled with Japaniacal enemies and over-the-top bosses. Needless to say, he is one of the great unsung mascots who has yet to get his due in the current HD era.

After NEC pulled out of the console race in late 1993, Hudson Soft took their beloved Bonk to the NES and tried to establish him there. It was too little, too late. Not only was Bonk's Adventure released in early 1994, but its simplistic, tried-and-true gameplay ensured that no one outside of diehard fans would play it. For those who have never played a Bonk game, your sole goal is to get through the level “bonking” enemies with your large noggin and collecting yellow smiley faces. Smash flowers to get bits of life or large chunks of meat that can turn you temporarily insane/invincible. In terms of simplicity, the closest comparison I can make to the Bonk series is the Kirby series. Both series really thrive on the charm of their main characters, rather than the actual gameplay. They're fun, quick platformers that make you feel happy for the couple hours you're engaged with them.

Unfortunately, the NES version is far too easy and bland. While the Turbo-Grafx games were as simple as the NES version at their core, they also had challenge and a modicum of depth that made repeat plays worthwhile. I blasted through the five worlds of Bonk's Adventure in forty-five minutes with only one continue, and I was playing pretty sloppily. While the levels aren't poorly designed, there are no secrets to be found or hidden paths to uncover – straight bonkin' all the way. The bonus levels seem like they would be fun if I could complete them. One has you jumping from platform to platform collecting minature chilis, but Bonk is not a jumper like Mario, so I could never make it past the first couple platforms. Despite my ambivalence towards the game, I completed it simply because... I love Bonk and will play anything he's associated with. That being said, if you've never played Bonk, this won't be the game to bring you in.

The only reason this incarnation of Bonk bears mentioning at all today is because of its rarity. Due to the late release date for the game, the cartridge can regularly be found for eighty dollars or more. True story: I bought the game for three dollars in 2004 at a used game store. When I found out how much the game was worth in 2010 – eighty dollars, at the least - I tried to sell it on Craigslist, only to receive numerous low-ball offers (eBay, on the other hand, had too many Bonk's for sale). Finally, I tried taking it back to the same used game store, if only to get a decent amount of trade for it. They wanted to pay me ten bucks in trade. I declined, took the game back, only to be approached by a random stranger within the store. He asked me, “How much were they going to give you for that game?” I told him the store's offer. He said, “I'll buy it right now,” made me an offer of thirty dollars cash and I took it, desperate to get rid of it. The point of the story is, Bonk's Adventure for the NES is anticlimactic, and while you might get some worth out of it, probably should be dealt with as quickly as possible. This has been my poor attempt at ending this entry. Good night.

C

#94 - Bomberman II

Can't you just see Cee Lo Green's song "F--- You" playing in the background of this cover?

Bomberman goes after the logging industry, one tree at a time.



In light of the first game's ending, where Bomberman turned into Lode Runner, it's interesting that Hudson Soft decided to make a sequel to the original Bomberman. But hey, video game space/time continuums are meant to be broken, I guess. If they really wanted to make the whole thing work, they could say that a "Bomberman" is the pupal stage of what will eventually become a "Lode Runner," thus the continuing adventures of "Bombermen" are really just children throwing bombs at one another! I don't know. I'm trying to be clever, but I've been told that 'clever' is just a eunuch's version of 'funny.' Let's get on to the review, shall we?

Bomberman 2 is neither biggerer nor bolderer than the first game, but it does have a story and that's gotta count for something right? One Bomberman - let's call him Bad Bomber - robs a bank and sets up another Bomberman - let's call him Retarded Bomber because he stands idly by and takes the blame. Of course, you play as Retarded Bomber and are hauled off to prison for your supposed crimes, while Bad Bomber gets away scot free, and goes scotting around in the Moors of Scotland. Your job as Retarded Bomber is to blast your way through eight levels of prison... then eight levels through the forest... then the mountains... and so on until you beat the game. The change of scenery does break up the monotony of the themed levels, but scenery can't hide the fact that all you're doing - still - is blowing up enemies and taking their prized power-ups.

But hey, I gave the first Bomberman an "A" for being a simple run-and-bomber, with subtly addictive gameplay, so surely more of the same is good, right? Yes, more of the same would have been fantastic, but the little changes Hudson Soft added are weird and, strangely, make the game not as memorable. The enemies, while bizarre in the first game, were endearing, and there was a balanced mix between enemies that could float through blocks and those that couldn't. In BM 2 (heheh), about 60-70% of the enemies can fly through blocks, which increases the maximum amount of retarded needless deaths. It doesn't help that the AI is a lot cheaper: sometimes you'll be trapped between two blocks at the beginning of the level, and a couple enemies will fly through the blocks and kill you before you have time to escape. The enemy designs could use some tweaking too: what's with the smiling baby blue dragons straight out of "The Land Before Time"? Also, it takes a lot longer to build up your bomb arsenal in this game. Many of the new power-ups - like invincibility from enemies or fire - are only good for the level, unlike BM 1 where every power-up helped you for good (save the timer, of course). Either that, or the power-ups don't help you at all - thank God for that extra time that I didn't need! Unlike the first game, there is a battle mode where you can duke it out with other Bombermen if you wish, but there's something lacking in two or three-player Bomberman; namely, extra players. Also, no one actually owned an NES multitap, so I'm pretty sure if no one owns a peripheral, it doesn't really exist.

This game marks the beginning of Bomberman's cutesyness, which is fine for the Bombermen as a species (they're children, remember), but strange for the rest of the game. Compared to the first one where you just jump in and play, no-hold-barred bombing action, the dumb unnecessary story, along with new retarded monster designs and weaker gameplay really mar this second entry. If it weren't for the efficiency of the overall game design - bomb every enemy, find the door/power up and move on - I'd rate the game a lot lower. As it is, it's still Bomberman, albeit a eunuch version.

C+

FUN FACT: Bomberman II came out in Feb. 1993, while Super Bomberman for the SNES came out in Sep. 1993. The latter was the first game to feature four-player support on the SNES, and it effectively changed the direction of the Bomberman series forever. Needless to say, not many people have played or remember Bomberman II. Were it a better game, that would be a travesty.

Our hapless hero. Oi.

#93 - Bomberman

While the cover doesn't represent the game in the least, it is still amazing.

Take that, you disgusting orange balloon puffs!

It's always interesting to play the first game in a now classic franchise. Bomberman is about as simple as it comes and I'm sure Hudson Soft never knew how beloved it would become (though sadly it's gone under the radar recently – why no online Bomberman?). While Bomberman is known for its multiplayer, this first game features only a one-player mode, nothing more. Some addicted to multiplayer might scoff, but I personally have never understood all the hate for one-player mode. Sure, it's fast and/or furious crazy fun when you have four-players trying to blow each other up (or up to ten on the classic Saturn Bomberman). There's a tranquil addictiveness that sets in, though, as you go through each stage by yourself, blowing up surprisingly spry enemies and collecting power-ups so you can become the biggest pimp of the Bomber world.

The gameplay is about as simple as it gets: run around stages composed entirely of randomly generated bricks and enemies, and destroy them. The goal is to blow up all the enemies, while collecting the one power-up within the stage and finding the exit, which is a red door. If you're an impatient person, give the game a few levels to pick up, as it starts off really slow. The first level, you're only armed with one bomb at a time and your bombing range sucks, so it can take forever. The more bombs and bigger range you acquire, the more fun the game gets. My favorite powerup is the bomb trigger, where you decide when the bombs blow up, instead of the game. Just remember: with more bombs comes more responsibility. It can become very easy to trap yourself next to a bomb or an enemy if you're not careful (read: too cocky).

This game's almost twenty-five years old and I'm impressed by the relative smarts of the AI, especially for the time. Many of the enemies, unless you trap them in a location, will not come near an area if you have laid a bomb there. Once they see the bomb is gone, they will leap out and come straight for you. Now, a disclaimer: they do also make a lot of stupid mistakes, but it's that healthy balance that makes you stay on your toes. When you see an enemy bopping around between two bricks, and there's an exit they could take to come out after you but they're not, it's good to beware. They could just be waiting for you to let your guard down. Also, it's heartbreaking to see little Bomberman blow up, so try and limit his deaths if you have a soul.

Much like Battle City, both of my grandparents used to wreck shop at this game back in the day. I would watch them for what felt like hours, entranced at their ability to lay down nine bombs, blow up half of the screen, and not die, level after level. They plowed through the game's fifty levels repeatedly and wouldn't break a sweat (spoiler alert: in one of the Nintendo's many bizarre WTF moments, Bomberman turns into Lode Runner at the end of the game). I always wondered then, when I would pick up the game as a child, why I sucked at it. Two levels in and I'd already used up all my lives. I'd set down the controller, shake my head and say to myself, “Bomberman's just one game you'll never be good at. Let it go, D.” Until today, that is! For whatever reason, the skills of my grandparents have passed on to me today, and I have come to appreciate the simplistic madness that is the original Bomberman. It might not be the Bomberman gamers remember today, but it's a fantastic start to a wonderful franchise.

A

#92 - Bo Jackson Baseball

Andy Warhol designed the game's cover, or so I've been told.

Get used to the above screen. It will haunt you for as long as you can stomach playing this game.


I learned something while doing research for this review: Bo Jackson, the man, the legend, was the first athlete to be named an All-Star in two major sports, football and baseball. Before he swung for greatness in this, his first baseball game, he was revered as the player "Tecmo Bo" in Tecmo's cherished classic, Tecmo Super Bowl for the NES. Apparently, he was one of the best players within that game, which is considered the best football game on the NES. Having learned all of this, I thought Bo Jackson's Baseball might be able to stand apart from the other fifty million baseball titles I reviewed a while back, but it doesn't. It succeeds only in how much it desires to shock the person playing the game.

What do I mean by "shock"? Well, when Bo Jackson's abnormally large head flies onto the screen, you'll want to run away in fear (whether his head is as large in real life as it is in the game, I can't say - all I know is his visage in the game frightened me, and I mean no offense to Bo himself).

I was so taken aback by the intro screen, I didn't have time to register my emotions before the game started itself. Strike one. When I actually started playing, a woman who resembled a "Kroger brand Jessica Rabbit" (my wife's brilliance, not mine) came on the screen and pretended she was singing "The Star Spangled Banner." The music was playing, and her lips were moving, but no words were coming out.

Strike two. Once you actually get into the game, before you can make a play whether it be pitching or hitting, a screen will show up detailing how to pitch or hit with the controller. Every. Single. Play. Yes, it's beyond annoying and confusing. No other baseball game, no matter how horrendous, does this crap. Does Bo Jackson not trust his children enough to know how to play his own baseball game, let alone NES baseball as a whole? Surely, budding little leaguers in 1991 had played other games than Bo's like Baseball Stars or Bases Loaded - games that, while not perfect, trusted their audience to know how to swing a bat and pitch a ball. You're out, Bo.

But wait, there's more! Other than the three offensive attributes listed above, Bo suffers from other crippling problems. The pitching and batting interface are broken - which is hilarious considering the developers go through so much effort to ensure you know how to play. I've swung at balls that I could have sworn I hit, and yet, I'll get a strike. Pitching likewise makes me cry. I've struck out batters simply by throwing balls directly across the plate, but when I pull out some mad curveballs, they hit home runs?! The AI is also obscenely good, while my players have no desire to play baseball. Or maybe I'm just channeling my own thoughts onto them... nah, they really weren't that into it. Baseball players usually run to catch balls. Then there's the camera problems that almost every baseball game has. I know it's hard to have a good camera in the outfield, but it would really help me, the player, if I could see where my own players are so they can catch balls accordingly.

Other things that offended me while playing it: all my players looked like Bo Jackson, while the opposing team was a bunch of fat white guys; the shrill voice that cried "BALL!" and "STRIKE!" while I was trying to relax and play the game quietly; the fact that Bo Jackson Baseball probably sold really well, due to his beloved appearance in Tecmo Bowl, despite the fact that the game actually is dog doo on a stick (how they managed to make dog doo work in a Nintendo, I'm not sure). Yes, Bo messed up bad on this licensed game, but if it's any consolation, I'm sure he made gobs of money associating himself with it.

D-

#91 - The Blues Brothers

I'm shaking my head for the entire gaming populace

The crappiness of this game cannot be captured: it must be experienced.


Jake and Elwood were on a mission from God in the original 1980 movie "The Blues Brothers." I haven't seen it (sacrilege...?), but I've heard it is a really well-done comedy, in an era before fart and boob jokes roamed the earth, stomping all other true comedy in their path. I'm pretty sure, though, that Titus, the developers of the Blues Brothers game, were on a mission from Satan, as nothing about this game works. It's not just because the game came out eleven years later than the movie: The game is broken. Akklaim and LJN (brothers from another mother) would be proud to welcome Titus, in forming a Nintendo trifecta of terrible gaming trash.

The one thing I do know about the movie is that Jake and Elwood Blues ran a lot, which coincidentally, is all you do in this side-scrolling action game. Trying to attack enemies? Out of the question. You can't even jump on the lime-green spiky balls or the security guards and stun them. It's run or be killed, which makes me believe that the Blues Brothers are pacifists or at least Titus is. The most threatening Jake or Elwood ever look in this game is when they're holding down their hats as they run; granted, they do look pretty boss, but you know what would be twice as boss? Being able to hurt the things that hurt you. In lieu of that, "A" is jump and "B" is run, and if you aren't able to combine those two should-be-easy functions, it's Chinatown for you. You need to be able to run and jump all over this b. Honestly, this is another one of those games where if you get farther than five minutes in, you should be awarded a Congressional Medal of Nintendawesome. Platforms disappear as you stand on them, enemies disappear only to reappear, running jumps happen sometimes and fail other times. John Belushi is rolling over in his grave.

Many good men have battled their way through this game, only to hold their heads in shame as they die over and over again from faulty game mechanics. There are only so many ways to say a bad game is a bad game, so I will say this: I'm pretty sure the "Blues Brothers 2000" movie is better than this game, if only because John Goodman is featured in the movie (in John Belushi's position, if I'm not mistaken). Considering the movie was an abomination to mankind and all copies were destroyed from the earth, this is saying a lot. Do not play this game.

F

But wait...

 

Dear God...

#90 - The Blue Marlin

Catch ya a Marlin, did ya? No. No you didn't.

PROTIP: Watch out for sharks, lest they destroy your lure, your boat, and your soul.


From the makers of The Black Bass comes the next in publisher Hot B's outrageous line of fishing games, The Blue Marlin. Unlike Black Bass which was invented for people that live in Minnesota and North Dakota and say "Ayuh," The Blue Marlin is geared more for the "brah" in all of us. Instead of gestating on a humble fishing boat for hours on end, you actively seek out your Marlin prey in a speedboat along the coast of Florida. Certainly, the game tries to make the act of fishing more exciting, but it doesn't matter when, like most fishing games or fishing in general, it can take hours to catch something. And as mentioned or implied in my Black Bass review, wasting hours on a virtual fishing game should leave you dead inside.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to capture the Blue Marlin and become a AA ranked fisherdude across America, and possibly, the world. The game's presentation is leagues better than Black Bass. The intro music and animation of waves tries to lend the game an exciting feel, and it almost works; especially when the blue Marlin jumps out of the waves and tries to skewer you through the screen. You input your name (Marley McBrah), pick a location in Florida, and you're off to catch a Marlin. Unlike Black Bass, where it felt impossible to find a fish, there are scores of fish traveling in each location. The lure hangs off the back of your boat, and you drive the boat around the fish so the lure lands in their circle. Once you engage in battle with the Marlin, it becomes a wha? situation, as in, what am I supposed to be doing? Pressing "B" either tightens or loosens the line, but that didn't help. I assumed pressing "A" really fast would bring in the fish, but when that didn't work either, I tapped left, up, right, down on the directional pad, all to no avail.

I will say this: The Blue Marlin is the best fishing game I've ever played where I didn't actually catch any fish. The presentation, the controls, the relatively accessible nature of the game - until you hit the part where you're, you know, actually supposed to catch a fish and the game falls apart like so many crumpled Twinkies. So yes, if you can dissect the control scheme for reeling, this game will probably be as enjoyable as a fishing game can be... whatever that means. Dead inside, remember?

C

#89 - Blaster Master

Why aim at the monster, when the Tetris piece behind him is far more threatening?

Animal rights groups were up in arms over this game's graphic depiction of smushed insects.


Two highly acclaimed NES games in a row?! Surely this streak will end tomorrow when I try to care about The Blue Marlin. Anywho, I've master blasted my way through some games in my time, but never Blaster Master. When I was really young and lacked any knowledge of gaming magazines, I only had the game covers at the video store to inform me whether the game was good or not. Blaster Master had a bland, crappy cover featuring a mix of Eighties-riffic art and a pixelated monster (see above) that did not intrigue my young self. Once again, I find myself at age twenty-five playing beloved NES games for the first time. Since Bionic Commando was such a smash hit in my eyes, I dared to believe Blaster Master would blast my mast off. Alas, my mast remains.

The game starts out promising enough. You play as a spunky robo-boy who pilots a tank in order to save his beloved pet frog. STAY WITH ME NOW, THINGS GET COMPLICATED! The game is divided into two segments: the main portion where you drive the tank around a large pseudo-non-linear world and destroy baddies; and the secondary portion where you guide the robo-boy into caves or other random dwellings where the tank can't go... and destroy baddies. The combination of both styles should be entertaining, but Sunsoft manages to make things dull, or at best, slightly above average. It's fun to destroy things with a tank at first, but the levels' layouts are boring. There are only so many places you can go, and none of them give you a sense of discovery and wonder found in a game like Metroid (a game Blaster Master copies, to some extent). Playing as the boy is, again, ok at first, until you realize the dwellings you enter usually exist only to give you power-ups; many of which are not necessary to your survival, and thus, pointless. Unfortunately, there are one or two places you enter per level that are important, as boss fights are sometimes fought there, so you have to enter all of them.

Some other general complaints: the game starts off really easy and accelerates to hard by the second or third area. I'm aware that, since most developers were just figuring out how these "video game things" worked in 1988, they didn't always manage difficulty properly. Still, a little easing into the harder areas would have been nice. The game repeats backgrounds a lot. Often I wondered if Blaster Master (or BM as I will affectionately refer to it from now on) was laughing at me as I continued jumping up these never ending castle platforms in Area 2, and then I reached the top and discovered it was just part of the sloppy programming. There are a good number of enemies who, if they are in the ground in front of you and you are in your tank, you won't be able to shoot them. I suppose you could exit out of the tank and shoot them with your little man, but that would grow wearisome. And if there's one thing I don't want from my BM, it's to grow wearisome while attempting to master it.

I dunno. Some people swear by this game, others are like me and think it's overrated. Truthfully, Sunsoft made some pretty boss games for the Nintendo era (Batman anyone?), so I expected better of this game. The story doesn't help either: why would I want to hunt down a robo- boy's pet frog across worlds filled with creatures that only desire my pain and suffering? How about saving a girl or the world from evil? These things are potentially worth fighting for, depending on one's point of view towards humanity. But when one can walk outside during a thick rain and find a replacement for your best friend, well, perhaps Little Johnny should have kept the tank gassed up in the garage until a worthier cause came along.

C

#85 - Bionic Commando

Little Johnny Quest is all grown up and fighting against Nazi robot arms and evil Russian spotlights.

Radd Spencer handcrafted his suit out of Velcro and glow-in-the-dark paint.


It's been a few days since I was supposed to review Bionic Commando. It's arguably one of the most revered NES games among hardcore gamers; the kind of people who believe continues and passwords aren't a right, but a privilege. Unlike the majority of my reviews which cost me little time or effort, I wanted to give this game a fair deal. For starters, I knew it was going to be challenging, and boy howdy, did it not disappoint. This is probably the most difficult NES game I've ever played outside of the original Ninja Gaiden. I decided to give the game several days to "sink in" a.k.a. I needed to get better at the game before I could properly review it. Well, I could postpone this review indefinitely, or I could just admit what my ego wants to keep hidden: I really suck at Bionic Commando.

Thankfully, the game is so well made, that my suckiness doesn't prevent me from appreciating the game's depths and intricacies. Let's get the obvious out of the way first: the game is an side-scrolling platformer that doesn't contain a jump button. This in and of itself is huge, and not just when the game was released in 1988; even now, in 2011, I can't think of any side-scroller that does this. In clumsier hands, such an audacious tactic would have likely failed, but Capcom pulled it off beautifully. The arm often knows where it needs to go, and if you're confused about where to hook on to, take notice of your surroundings: the answer often lies right in front of you, like with the lamppost/spotlight in the first level. Ladd Spencer, said commando of the bionic variety, isn't the easiest chap to get along with at first, but once you master his arm, you won't miss the jump button in the slightest.

While you do essentially progress from one level to the next, like any other side-scroller, Bionic Commando gives you the feel of non-linearity with the main level grid. When you first begin the game, Radd is in a helicopter and you're asked if you want to "transfer" to a different level or "descend" into the level highlighted. Once again, BC shows its uniqueness: you're allowed to play the game out of order, even though you really shouldn't; this made me feel like I was on a unique mission with Radd, instead of just a mindless drone obeying orders from the Army. The level grid may look confusing at first with its mish-mash of random numbers, but it's easy to tell what direction you want to go after you beat a level; blocks that are colored completely white are actual levels, while blocks with red middles and white borders are "neutral" bases.

It makes me sad to report that I have brought shame to my family and my ancestors by only reaching Area 4. For those who have yet to play BC, Area 4 is only the second level. To make myself feel slightly better, I will say that I almost beat the second boss, but sweet dancing Moses, this game throws everything at you to make sure you do not survive. The obscene difficulty specifically reveals itself in two ways: the first is not mastering the reach of your bionic arm; the second is avoiding the stupid soldiers that randomly drop all around you. The former is an attainable goal that merely takes practice; the latter is a exercise in cheapness that is designed to make the game harder. What difficulties await me in the later levels? I'm not sure because, as my thesis statement made clear, I suck at this game. But, unlike another difficult game like Battletoads, I desire to get better at this game because it's just so darn fun. I've played the first two levels like fifty times, and I still want more abuse. That should say something.

Bionic Commando fun facts that everyone already knows:

- somebody by the pen name of F.X. Nine actually took the time to adapt this game's story into a novel. I had it, along with the other three "Worlds of Power" books, but I don't think I ever read them.

- Hitler is the final boss. If that doesn't make you want to reach the end, etc.

- Bionic Commando is actually a sequel to a less-impressive game, Commando. Neither game has anything to do with the award-winning Schwarzenegger film, which emerged around the same time.

- People often quit Bionic Commando because of the lack of a jump button. Bunch of babies! 

A-


Parish is fun to read: http://www.gamespite.net/toastywiki/index.php/Games/G625-BionicCommando

#88 - Blades of Steel

Strange that Konami began their 8-bit careers as silly sports game designers

You can't tell from this picture, but the sprites' animation - especially the crowd - is pretty stunning


The legend of this game loomed large on the playground when I was a kid. It was a sports game for kids who didn't like sports games. It had honest-to-God fights, like real hockey did. It was fun and anyone could pick up and play it. Many of my friends swore by it and claimed to play it for hours on end. Yet, despite their testimonies, I never tried the game myself. I think because, by that point, Street Fighter II was out and there was no need to fight in any other video game ever. Not giving two beans about hockey sealed the deal for me at age seven. Now that I have played the game to some degree, I can see why my schoolyard chums went nuts for it: it delivers on simple arcade sports action. Even if you don't know or care about real hockey, it's ok because Blades of Steel doesn't either.

Konami gives you several options from the get-go: you can choose to play in a single exhibition game or a large tournament that involves beating all of the teams from around North America. You can choose to play in a Junior league, a College league or a Pro league. It's a nice, honest way of saying Easy, Medium, or Hard. That's it: no different rosters, no switching of teammates, just good ol' fashioned American/Canadian puck passin'. There's not much to the actual game at all. You try and get the puck in the other team's net. You use "A" to shoot and "B" to switch players. It's classic simple gaming, but what really took me by surprise is how fluid the action feels. Konami did a great job of keeping you in the game, while giving the illusion that you know exactly what you're doing at all times. Such a task is difficult to do, and this is the only sports game I've played aside from Baseball Simulator 1000 that's truly accomplished that.

But blood is what the people really want to see, and while there is no actual blood in Blades of Steel, people do get into fights and get hurt; so, you know, there's surely red streaks across the ice somewhere. The fighting isn't that good, truthfully. It feels like a less intuitive Urban Champion, which could never be a good thing. But, for what it's worth, it's a nice break from the action. When you enter into a fight with someone, both players have a power bar, and whoever can get the power bar down to nothing first, wins the right to... take the puck. It's a bit underwhelming now, but for 1988, it was probably stunning.

I can see why such a game captured the hearts and minds of little children in the early '90s. The Mutant League games had yet to come, NBA Jam was just a thought in a designer's head, and NFL Blitz didn't come until the second half of the decade. For arcade sports action, Blades of Steel was it back in the day. It still holds up today surprisingly, but like all arcade sports games, two-player is where it's at while one-player suffers from eventually repetitious gameplay, depending on how long one plays. Basically, don't fly solo or else you'll wonder why I'm giving it such a high score.

B+

#87 - Blackjack

What a pity, Mr. Bond.

I've never felt so ALIVE!


Have you ever played blackjack in Las Vegas or with other people or on a computer? Then you've played Blackjack for the NES. It is what it says it is: pure, unadulterated blackjack for those who don't really like to gamble, but love to pretend.

I could wax eloquent for three more paragraphs about the art of blackjack, and whether or not gambling parlors help the local economies or just bring in more crime and chaos, but I'd rather not push the limits of sensible good taste. Truthfully, this game sucked me in, but more than anything, it made me want to gamble with real money because virtual winnings just aren't good enough. So if your inner demon's name is Gamblor, I wouldn't recommend this game, as it will unleash his mighty power until you're flat broke somewhere in Reno. For those that have self-control, give it a whirl.

B-

#86 - The Black Bass

Not just any Black Bass. The Black Bass.

I'm not sure I'd use the word "Power" to describe anything about this game.


Fishing has never really been my forte', but I do see its appeal: sitting out in the middle of a lake with a bunch of dudes, drinking beer, and just enjoying the day. The point isn't so much about catching fish, but about enjoying the serenity and splendor that only a day spent in a boat with your buddies can provide.... Actually, as I'm explaining it, fishing sounds really, really lame. What an atrocious waste of time. Even if I did catch a fish, I wouldn't want to eat it because I hate seafood. In short, fishing is wrong, which makes Black Bass a sin.

Alright, maybe fishing isn't wrong, per say, but there's absolutely nothing right with this game. It's the epitome of virtual and real boredom, in that, nothing happens in the game, and consequently, the game makes you feel empty and lifeless in reality. It isn't so much that the game is programmed poorly, either, because everything works as it should. You pick your spot on Lake Amanda (surely named for one of the game designer's daughters), set up shop, and cast your line into the light blue water. And then you wait, and wait some more, and maybe, possibly, if you're lucky, greater lengths of time will pass and still nothing will happen. Surely fish must show up at some point, and perhaps, they will even swim over to the bait that you've provided for them. They might not take it, though, and even if they do, you might lose the fish and have to start the waiting process all over again.

Couch anglers love these games. Believe it or not, fishing games used to quietly sell millions of copies throughout the Nineties. There's nothing to compare the fishing-game phenomenon to, either. All other niche genres possess some type of actual gameplay, like dating sims or Harvest Moon/Rune Factory or Koei feudal Chinese war sims. Black Bass' gameplay consists of changing out your bait, catching fish, and, as you catch more fish, moving on to bigger and better lakes. The goal is to get from 200th place in the Wranglers Tournament into first, but oh my, how long that would take you is anyone's guess. One can't say it lacks in replay value, but I don't want to think of how many man-hours are wasted in games like these.

I can't decide if I'm being too hard on Black Bass or the people that love fishing games. I suppose if you live in a concrete jungle, like Phoenix, and you need to get your fishing kicks from somewhere, consoles aren't a bad place. Or you could go buy a live fish, throw it in a tub full of cold water, and bust out the ol' bait and tackle accordingly. It might be sillier, but it gets the job done. Since fishing is less about catching fish and more about the experience of waiting around for hours on end, Black Bass will certainly fill that slimy large-mouthed bass gap inside your heart. The other 95% of the population can take a pass.

D

*Yes, I skipped a number. Bionic Commando was directly after Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and while I have put some time into it, I don't feel qualified enough at this point to write a review for a game that's so beloved by NES junkies everywhere. I plan on reviewing it next week sometime after I've gotten a little farther and am able to make a reasonable judgment on it. I never played it when I was a kid, but so far I'm liking it a lot. It's different and difficult, like so many great NES games.

#84 - Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

Uh...

It's actually a phone-dialing simulator. People had a lot of mental problems in the early 90s.


I know next to nothing about Bill, Ted, or the "excellent" adventures they went on. I'm pretty sure they're retarded stoners who swept a generation of retarded stoners off of their feet. Well... maybe I won't go that far. I'm sure the movies were funny at one point, but I'm not sure they've aged well, being as they are full of jargon like "radical" and "tubular" and such. But what is this game? Truthfully, I'm not sure it is a game because it can hardly be said to contain game play. It could be a demon disguised in a gray cartridge that, should you achieve some sort of satisfaction from playing, spews green bile at your face. Luckily, no one will ever feel like they've accomplished anything by playing this game, other than shortening their life by mere minutes.

Trust me, no one in their sane mind will play this game for more than a few minutes. Like so many NES games, you're told what to do... but given no direction to complete your goal. In this game, your job is to rescue a bunch of historical characters, I think. But once you're in the level, you have to use the NPCs for help. They will do one of three things: give you useless information, beat you up and take one of your precious coins, or throw you in jail. The levels are set up from a 3/4 isometric angle, which means you can't really see what's around you. The levels are also huge and nonsensical, so good luck trying to figure out where to go or giving much of a damn along the way. To give you an idea of the randomness contained within the game's programming, I was making my Bill/Ted character jump across the screen for no reason. I landed in a field of rocks and grass and "found" four puddings. There was no actual pudding or food icon in the field: I just found the pudding sweet spot, I suppose.

Other gameplay "elements" encountered involved dialing numbers - in order to go back in time, of course - and guiding a phone booth across circuits with random circled number. You must get your booth all the way across the screen, and into the circle of the farthest number. Only then can you enter the actual level and proceed to hate the game even further. But after dialing numbers, shooting phone booths from number to number amidst wired circuitry, and jumping like a gay swan across a poorly conceived world where everyone is either a bully or a knight trying to steal your phone booth money, I grew weary of my endeavor and shut the game off. Like every other LJN game I've put more than five minutes into, it just isn't worth it.

I know that, in many of these reviews, I make it sound like I'll turn off any game within five minutes. This is entirely untrue. Only when a game as moronic, and yes, unplayable (my new favorite word, as of late) as this comes along, do I do what any normal Nintendo player would do: I set the controller down and close my emulator. What choice do I have? My brain was beginning to atrophy the longer the game was turned on, and quite frankly, I'd like to finish this quest before I'm senile. Anyways, no one needs this review because no one needs this game. I wouldn't give Bill and Ted to cold-hearted murderers in prison, let alone my poor ten-year-old child in 1991. It's a harsh, unforgiving world out there, and if you can spare someone a small amount of pain in their short, fragile lives, well...

F

Yup, it really is awful...

#83 - Bigfoot

Crunching and munching all your hard-earned allowance money.

Are you ready for poor game design, crap controls, and an overall terrible game? Start your engines!

When I first saw this game on the list of games starting with "B," I chuckled inside. How can they make a game revolving around the creature Bigfoot? Are you some wannabe explorer trying to hunt the elusive creature? Do you take random blurry pictures of creatures that may or may not be tall monkey/human hybrids? Do you achieve your own special program on Fox? All my questions were for naught when I discovered that this is actually a monster truck simulator that tries really hard to be as unplayable as possible.

You literally play a monster truck cruising his way across the US of A. For some reason, another Bigfoot truck by the name of "The Crowler" is ready to take you down to crunch town. Amidst my boredom, I tried to think up a reason/amusing story as to why two large monster trucks would have it in for each other as they drive across America; surely there's a reality show idea waiting to happen! I, however, could think of nothing to amuse myself. Logic and reason do not need to be in a Nintendo game for it to be entertaining, but I haven't played a game of such poor quality in a long time. I need more reasons to hate it than I already do.

I haven't mentioned the gameplay because I'm pretty sure Akklaim aka LJN designed this bad boy to stop at stage 2. Forty bucks for a one-stage game, eh? DLC sounds pretty darn cheap with those kind of prices. The first level is frantic driving all over the place. You're jumping over pits, collecting money, and trying to destroy the other truck. The controls make no sense: all I could decipher was that pressing up on the D pad makes you go, kind of. "B" makes you jump, but I think "A" just makes you freak out and swivel around for no reason. The first level is also a race, but it doesn't matter if you beat Crowler as you simply move on to the next stage. You like car crushing? At a primal level, I think it could be quite entertaining, and in a video game, mildly amusing. But for whatever reason, the controls are unresponsive in this level. I challenge any one to pick up the controller at this stage and know what they're doing. How hard could it be? A four-way directional pad, and two main buttons? And yet, push them all with all your might, and nothing happens. Unlike stage 1, however, if you do not finish the car crunch challenge, you are forced to repeat it.

Akklaim and LJN are the exact same company, so I'm not surprised when a crappy racer like this just oozes out of their company, like some recreated human made out of stem cells. But why? Was big truck racing really that popular in the late Eighties, anymore than it was in the late Nineties? Is it really that hard to make a halfway decent racing game with monster trucks? I dunno: this is my first review in about a week, and it helps my writing to have a really crappy game to complain about, but... I'm pretty sure Akklaim should have made my "capture Bigfoot" sim instead. It would have still sucked, by all means, but at least it would have been an attempt at something interesting, if not comical.

Meh, who cares.

F