BWAHAHAHAH!!!
So... this game has a reputation for being one of the worst Nintendo games of all time, if not one of the worst games period. I don't make this stuff up, ok? I don't come on 1UP pretending like I'm the Ultimate Nintendo Master. There's only one guy who can be the UNM, and his name is Fred “Mario Bros. 3” Savage! But I digress. Is Heroes of the Lance one of the worst Nintendo games of all time? Well, compared to what? “720”? “Pugsley's Scavenger Hunt”? “8 Eyes”? Any of these gems could duke it out for crappiest Nintendo game as far as I'm concerned. And as I said yesterday, I'm only on “A.” What horrors lie in the other letters of the alphabet!
Anyway, this game is bad. Really bad. For some reason, though, it didn't outright piss me off like “Dragon Strike” did. Maybe because it was actually trying to replicate the pretentious, boring, somewhat homoerotic D&D experience, instead of pretending to be an awesome shooter game? I don't know. Let's dive into the meat of the game: you play as one of eight porno stars- er... “warriors of justice.”. I'm gonna rattle off some of their names because they amuse me: Sturm Brightblade, Flint Fireforge, Tanis Half-Elven (?!), and my personal favorite, Tasslehoff Burrfoot. Yes, that's right... Tasslehoff. The warriors are displayed at the bottom of your screen, as if to give you the power of choice. In reality, they are essentially your lives as you can not pick a different warrior any time you like. Once again, like Dragon Strike, the game was originally made for PC and ported over to the NES. Again, it shows, especially in the controls. The game expects you to have analog control for eight-way movement, yet our beloved NES controller has only four rigid directions. I never fully figured out what A and B did, except that B was for attack when an enemy was near. A seemed to help you run sometimes, but other times, it just stopped you dead in your tracks. The graphics are of an Atari standard, which isn't something one would expect for a NES game published in 1991. Music is tolerable, surprisingly, but it's not what you're thinking of when you're trying to slay some old curmudgeon because he's kicking your Achilles tendon and draining your Burrfoot blood. You're thinking, D&D deserves better than this.
Actually, I don't know if D&D deserves better than Heroes of the Lance because I'm not a D&D player by any means. I know I deserve better than this game, dad blast it. As far as the other elements of the gameplay go – namely, story – I honestly could have cared less. It seemed like a by-the-numbers fantasy dungeon crawler to me, which is swell if you're into that sort of thing. Fantasy fan or not, though, this game is not for you; “you,” of course, referring to anyone and everyone the world over. This game is suited only for the patrons of the late-night S&M bars in downtown L.A., where people go to feel pain. If that's you, Tasslehoff will be waiting.
F
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