#243 - G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero

Round about that time, old man Dickerson got his laser cannon and started blasting people for no reason at all.

Large bosses - especially vehicles - are what's on your plate. Better eat up.

As opposed to a "fake" American hero? Would that be someone like Nixon, who at first appeared to be a good president, but then... well, you know? Anyways, G.I. Joe is the stuff NES action games are made of. Not only does Contra'sghost loom large in the "non-stop action" territory, but the game adds to Contra's formula by allowing you multiple characters a la Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. All your Joe buddies are here: Blizzard, Snake Eyes, Rock and Roll, etc. Build a team by selecting two additional characters (additional to Duke, of course – did you think he wasn'tcoming?) and you're on your way to defeating the Cobras. Each person of your squad has different abilities, so be sure to mix and match wisely. My personal team was Duke, Snake Eyes, and Captain Grid Iron: two beefy shoot-em-up characters, and one stealthy, high-jumping ninja. As you progress, power-ups will emerge from fallen enemies, like power upgrades to your weapon, health, etc. Each member of your squad counts as a life, so if someone's getting low, be sure to switch 'em out before they die. One thing: much like life in Detroit and other urban ghetto areas, this game gets really hard, really fast. Should you beat the game once, a second quest will emerge where you can only take one team member with you. Beat the game again and a third and final quest will appear. In order to get the true ending, you must beat this final quest where you take double the damage, weapon and health replenishments are scarce and enemies take less damage. America isn't fooling around. They need real men (and possibly women) to play this game. Are you up to the challenge?

B+

#217 - F-15 Strike Eagle

It's so realistic, they trained honest-to-God fighter pilots on this thing. The fighter pilots picked up the controller, played for a minute, laughed, and walked away.

                               No more blood for crappy "flight simulators"!

Our good friends MicroProse had the monopoly on developing crappy flight games based around military jets, apparently. No sooner do I fire up F-15 Strike Eagle than I hear the exact same title screen music that played on F-117A Stealth Fighter. Both games came out within eight months of each other and it definitely shows, as they essentially play, look, and sound the same. Here's the kicker: F-15 Strike Eagle, which came out earlier, is actually better. It's faster, has more things to do, and the missions are over before you think to yourself, "Hmm, I should hijack this plane and start a City War." The controls are the same as before: "A" fires your ratatats and "B" lets loose your kabooms. The kabooms are the only things that can take down enemy planes or the targets, and you have a limited number of them. In other words, don't go kabooming when you don't need to. Your missions seem to have some sort of Gulf War historical merit, as they all take place in the Middle East and the game itself was released in '92, but there doesn't seem to be any story in the game. Still, you get promoted if you do well on missions, which is kinda cool. Yes, F-15 Strike Eagle is technically a "better" game than its companion, F-117A Stealth Fighter, but I still can't recommend it. It's ugly, it's over way too fast, and the missions contain the same monotonous objectives. Go eat a big sandwich, F-15 Strike Eagle. You're in timeout.

D