#314 - James Bond Jr.

           Sometimes even the early 90s can be wrong. This is one of those times.

      Believe it or not, this is an NES game, not an original Game Boy game.

Not to be confused with Ian Fleming's masterful creation James Bond (Sr.) or the dimwitted fish knock-off James Pond, James Bond Jr. is a meaningless game adaptation (based on the cartoon show) that could only have been created in the labs of all the most boring Bond villains combined. I'm looking at you, Renard, from "The World is Not Enough"! Did you help in assembling this mediocrity? Bah, it doesn't matter. James Bond Jr. is sent out to save all the world's scientists from the evil S.C.U.M. Lord. Yes, it's as overwrought of a plot as they come, but who cares about video game plots when there's action and espionage to be had! Alas, I would not get my fill of espionage, as the game is non-linear action. Fair enough, if there was any sort of action be had. Your gun is about as worthless as shooting a Twix bar. Certain enemies literally take up to 30 hits and, as far as I got in the game, you could only hold up to 99 bullets. What really matters: James himself looks slightly better than E.T. on Atari, and the pseudo-non-linear gameplay is both boring and frustrating. What am I doing on this island? Searching for blueprints? Trying to stop a rocket from launching? What's a S.C.U.M. Lord anyway and why should I care? These questions emerged as I played the game and eventually led to not giving the slightest bit of a damn. Despite the absence of fun, humor, and the presence of pixelated young hotties looking to mack on James, James Bond Jr.is most certainly a video game that I played this evening. Not many other games can say that.

D-

#313 - Jackie Chan's Action Kung-Fu

Perhaps the game would have sold better if Jackie Chan's body possessed a neck.

         Not even Buddha will be spared in Jackie Chan's wake of destruction.

Say what you will about Jackie Chan's career post-Rush Hour, but I'll be damned if I let you bad-mouth anything that came before that. The guy's a fighting machine. So many bones broken, so many stunts performed. The guy's still going in his early 60s. Yup, Jackie Chan is awesome, and surprisingly, so is his NES game. With such a generic title as Action Kung-Fu and Hudson Soft's reputation as a solid, if not spectacular developer, I was expecting mediocre poo-doo, like "The Karate Kid" (2010). Instead, I'm treated with solid gold, like "The Legend of the Drunken Master" or "Police Story 2." Yes, the game really is as fun as his classics.

Ok, maybe Action Kung-Fu isn't as great as the old Jackie Chan films where everyone speaks Chinese and kicks insane amounts of butt, BUT it's one of the best platformers I've played in a fortnight, thanks to the variety in level design, incredible controls, and one of the best soundtracks never mentioned on a "best soundtrack" list.

• Let's start with the latter and work our way forward. Action Kung Fu's music deserves to be up there with the Castlevania and Mega Man series. Here's why:

• I couldn't write about music theory to save my life, but there are some complex rhythms and melodies being laid down in a mere two minutes. Or not. Either way, it's a thrilling composition. Sometimes I forget why I appreciate 8-bit music as much as I do. I wonder why every soundtrack can't be as fantastic as Contra's or Mega Man 2. This is why I'm grateful to have heard this. It was truly a pleasure to dismantle flying fish and angry monks to these tunes.
  
  
• As for the controls, Jackie Chan controls nearly as tightly as our friend Mario. Mario games, for the record, have the tightest controls out of any platformer, so this is a huge compliment to Hudson Soft's programmers. Any time Mr. Chan flailed about and got hit, it was almost always my fault. Another plus: when Jackie does get hit, he doesn't fly backwards a few feet like the Belmonts or Mega Man.

• There are only five levels, but each one is a fairly decent length and filled with things to do. One section in Level 2 has the screen closing in on Jackie, while he jumps from platform to platform avoiding spikes, enemies, and the like. Another has Jackie racing down a log on a river whilst killing more enemies and avoiding falling off. Others are just straightforward platforming goodness, like ascending a cave, bouncing from crumbling platform to platform while lava rushes up from below. Jackie handles it all with his trademark humor and penchant for snapping necks. Perhaps the game's one true flaw is its difficulty, as you could easily finish it in an afternoon. Still, an afternoon with Jackie Chan is one well spent or so I've been told.

A-

#312 - Jackal

                       The machine-gunner has issues with the title of the game.

                                PROTIP: Explosions easily destroy walls.

You crazy for this one, Konami! Jackalis every ridiculous action movie from the 80s all rolled into one feel-good death fest. South American terrorists, explosions, Uncle Sam smoking a cigar: all the essentials are here. If you're rockin' one-player status, you play as Colonel Decker and Leiutenant Bob in a foolhardy, nothing-to-lose green Jeep. If it's a table for two (players), then your buddy will be controlling Sergeant Quint and Corporal Gray in a more introverted, but still subtly terrifying brown Jeep. These particular rag-tag group of misfits have a lot of friends in low places and said friends have happened to get kidnapped by the Nicaraguan rebels. Blow up some terrorists, their digs, their equipment, grab your buddies, and get the "sam hill" out of dodge. There are six stages for you to perform your various killing tactics and, like all NES games, the stages eventually get ridiculously hard. Your jeep is equipped with standard ammunition, and grenades or rockets, depending on your upgrades. Don't worry, if ammunition is too boring, you can always squash the enemy with your Jeep – seriously. Just mind the shots: one shot from any enemy, whether it's a shrimpy dude with a pistol or a tank looking to tango, can destroy your fun time. When your Jeep explodes, another one instantly appears in its place, but any guys you've rescued scatter to the wind so you'll have to retrieve them again. Four lives are nothing to squint at and Konami has always been gracious with their continues. But, like any war-time situation, it still behooves you to be careful.

B+

#311 - Jack Nicklaus' Greatest 18 Holes of Major Championship Golf

           Mr. Nicklaus is thinking, "If I make this shot, I can buy another house."

                   
                    You don't have a choice: you must play as Mr. Nicklaus!!!

When I was a child, my grandpa used to watch golf. I would usually glance at the screen every now and again, and I always wondered a couple things: why was Jack Nicholson playing golf? And when did he have a horrible haircut? Those two questions firmly unanswered in my mind, I'd then run off to watch Nickelodeon and think no more about the confounding world of golf. Now that I'm older, I realize Jack Nicklausis one of the greatest golf players ever, apparently, and his hairdo is probably the reason why he's so awesome. Maybe. Either way, he's earned the right to stick his name on a golf game, even one as ludicrously titled as this one. Greatest 18 holes? Well, it's all subjective. I felt like I was playing an ordinary round of golf, and as such, I completely sucked at it. That being said, for someone who has played several rounds of Major Championship Golf as Mr. Nicklaus has, perhaps these holes are something special. This being a Konami-produced game, it's no surprise the controls are solid, the menus are easy to read, and depending on how "deep" you want to get into the game, it can either hold you by the hand via a putter or kick you to the curb with a nine iron. It's really up to you. My only valid complaint from a gameplay level: every time you take a shot, the game has to load the course. It takes a solid five-to-ten seconds to load the course each time, which is an eternity in 2012. The course looks pretty crappy too; the layouts won't be winning any Pixel Art awards, that's for sure. If you have patience for the load times and the willingness to throw caution to the wind, per Mr. Nicklaus' consent, then you'll enjoy this round.

B-

#310 - Ivan Ironman Stewart's Super Off-Road

                             Four-player ACTION ACTION ACTION!

Thanks to Chronicgames.net for this riveting screenshot. This track resembles the majority of the other tracks.

Do you know how silly it feels to write out that title? You should give it a try sometime. Mr. Stewart is so vain that he has to have his nickname "Ironman" present in the title of his game. That, friends, is true narcissism and such that we will probably never get to experience, as the majority of us will never know what it feels like to make gobs of money simply for licensing our name. Anyways, thank goodness Ivan's game is a solid off-roading experience. You jot down your name (your name can only be four letters long, but is there any other choice? That's right: I-V-A-N), you pick your country (Japan, because they drive pink trucks, according to this game), and off you go. This game is essentially Danny Sullivan's Indy Heat except instead of being in heat, you're off-roading it on dirt tracks. Indy Heat's tracks are far more interesting than Super Off-Road, but Super Off-Road's difficulty is top-notch. The cars here are very aggressive and you better believe they're looking out for the Duke of New York, A#1, which is themselves. You, Mr. Ivan Ironman Stewart, in your pink Japanese truck will have to "trick" out your "ride" in order to win: new tires, more turbos (don't use them all in the first race like I did), some acceleration boost. Even with all that money spent, you may not win, but it will give you a fair shot. This isn't a "normal" off-roading experience, after all. It's Super, baby, as only Ironman himself can bring it.

B-

#309 - Isolated Warrior

Pink was really the warrior's choice back then. Perhaps the color warded off such disturbing creatures as that skull/brain entity in the background.

I'm stymied as to what to make fun of on this screen cap. Color choice? When I think of shooters and explosions, I don't think of Lisa Frank.

Isn't every video game protagonist an isolated warrior? Unless you're playing some sort of squad-based or co-op game, I'm going to hand you a big fat YES to that question. The followup question then would be, is Max Maverick, the isolated warrior of Isolated Warrior, the ultimate video game protagonist? For crying out loud, the government of his planet recruited him and him alone to save them from over 40 alien creatures. I'm guessing Mr. Maverick has done this before, perhaps on the same planet in some unrecorded adventure, or perhaps on a different planet. Regardless, he is trustworthy. His credentials are in order, then, but what to make of the term "isolated"? According to thefreedictionary.com, "isolated" means "separated from others; solitary, singular." Indeed Max is a highly accomplished man to be able to save planets within a moment's notice, but this very distinction means that there are very few people who can understand the weight of his situation. His is a lonely existence, lived predominantly in and around a governmet-built villa on the outskirts of his planet. Do not envy this man or any other isolated warrior in video gaming. Their lives may seem exciting, living as they do on the brink of death at all times. But who are they fighting for? Themselves? Your everyday person who can not properly thank or understand what they go through? These are examples of questions that sprint through their heads while they are spattered with alien entrails and unknown goo. Isolated Warrior may look cool and fun, with its crazy weapon upgrades and non-stop vertically-scrolling action/shooter mischief, but for Max Maverick it's some serious business. Even if he doesn't know why.

B-

#308 - Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II

Yes, that's Fabio, holding a decidedly faux-iron sword. He really did take this picture near an erupting volcano, though.

Birds dropping dookies on your head... believe it or not, that really does penetrate through steel. Acid dooks.

Having not played the original Wizards & Warriors, I can not, in good conscience, compare the two (people who have played the original – thoughts?). I can, however, say that this game is aptly named: your bug-eyed, Monty Python-esque knight lives or dies by his sword, that may or may not be made of iron. It is not theIronsword that you initially wield, though. In Ironsword, the whole goal is actually to reconstruct the Ironsword and defeat the Wizard, all in five thrown together stages. Every stage I played forced you to ascend upward while having to fend off enemies from every angle. Worse yet, the enemies thrust themselves into you, kamikaze-style. I'm not too sure how your knight feels about living either. He can't swing a sword to save his life. What you hope happens is that the enemies run into your sword as they're attacking you. Let me rephrase this: the only way you can fight enemies is by not fighting them at all. Position your sword so that they run into it. It sounds clever, but the execution is poor, especially when you have several enemies from every direction coming at you. Even if you kill a couple, it's nearly impossible not to get hit.

Aside from the cheap hits, Ironsword isn't completely terrible. The quest itself may be overly dramatic and your knight looks stupid until you get a helmet to cover his bulging eyes. If you can stand repeatedly dying, it's a decent early NES platformer with solid exploration elements. Just don't expect to always enjoy bouncing on clouds while tornados swarm you.

C+