#173 - Desert Commander

                      Patton tries to play God. Based on a true story.

Nintendo saw this game and said, "There's profit to be had." And Advance Wars was born.

And here I thought the GBA/DS franchise Advance Wars were a series of original strategy games from Nintendo. Turns out, Nintendo stole the gameplay from an obscure Kemco game called Desert Commander! In Desert Commander, you are at war with Iraq or Iran or one of those countries that has gas for 29 cents a gallon, I dunno. You have a certain amount of units you can control – bi-planes, trucks, tanks, infantry – and your goal is to meet your enemy head-on. Your enemy has similar units, but in five out of the six campaigns, their numbers will be larger. Each unit can move a limited number of spaces and has a limited amount of ammo, so mind your stats. You must also be aware of the terrain your units move onto. Anything that has wheels or feet are obviously slowed by more mountainous terrain. If you engage your enemy, you'll be treated to a cutscene of bullets, bombs, and explosions. The only real complaint I can think of is how slow your units move. Granted, this was the NES and sprites could only move as fast as they're programmed, but in the current go-go age of 2011, it still feels a bit chunky. I'm not the largest fan of strategy games, as I've expressed earlier on this blog. However, I do have a soft spot for Advance Warsand to play a simpler version of it on the NES, sans anime graphics, is a joy.

B+

#172 - Demon Sword

Your character might resemble Conan on the box, but trust: he's a samurai in the game.

Yup, you can climb bamboo in the game. It's awesome until a couple skeletons fly into you and kill you.

Leave it to a game I've never heard of to defy all my expectations. Demon Sword, a fast-paced, slice-and-dice action game has hints of greatness amidst the bamboo trees, but falls flat in a couple key areas. While the concept is borderline Ninja Gaiden(instead of being a ninja in the city, you're a samurai in the woods – kooky!), your attacks are unique: the "B" button throws a shuriken, while the "A" button throws darts. In order to truly slay your opponents, you have to combine the two attacks, which wouldn't be bad if you didn't have such a short life bar and a penchant for getting hit. To be fair, the enemies fly around all over the place and it's pretty hard not to get hit, even if you're avoiding them as much as possible. The key to this game would seem to be patience, but it's hard when you Sonic shoes on and you can jump 50 feet in the air, simply by pressing "Up." Seriously, this is one of the fastest NES action games I've ever played, but Taito, bless 'em, didn't know how to handle the speed of the character. This is Demon Sword's fatal flaw and a Catch-22: you can walk slowly through the bamboo forests, killing anyone who would fly at your face and acquiring delicious power-ups, or you can feel like a true samurai and run and jump through the environments, but you'll die a lot quicker. You shouldn't have to make that choice, and a pox on Taito for forcing you to!

C

#171 - Deja Vu

                                 Ain't nothin' but a gangsta party

                Give the mugger the ol' one-two and he'll run crying to his mama

The Commodore 64 was my jambox when I was a kid. I used to play almost every Carmen Sandiego game ever made with my grandpa on that thing, along with a couple other random games like Pac-Man. Long after the console had been dead – around about 1994 or so – I purchased some crappy one dollar C64 games at this store called Toy Liquidators. Included in that purchase was a point-and-click noir adventure called Time to Die. I loved Time to Diedespite the game being so broken, you couldn't get past the first few screens without being mugged and shot. It had a mysterious atmosphere combined with creepy music and visuals that (for the first few screens, anyway) entranced me over and over again. Fast forward a few years later and I "acquired" a game for my "Nintendo" entitled Deja Vu. I booted it up, began to play and I realized that Time to Die was trying its best to create – or perhaps blatantly rip off - the Deja Vu vibe. I instantly fell in love with Deja Vu at that moment of clarity, we got married two days later, and we've been joined at the hip ever since.

Part #171 of My Confessions: I love point-and-click adventure games and I love the noir genre, thus my love for Deja Vu. If neither of these things appeal to you, especially the former, you can substitute my eventual grade of "A" for a big fat "F" (well... "F" is a little harsh, perhaps just a "D" for "Dang, this is a good game, but I'm just not matureenough to appreciate it). I write this with confidence because very few people feel neutral about point-and-click games or noir.

But what is Deja Vu about, you ask? Point-and-click games are only as good as their story. I don't want to give too much away because, in my opinion, Deja Vu has some of the best, and most deliberate, pacing of any game on the NES. Here's what I can say: you start off the game not knowing who you are. Obviously, your main goal is to discover your identity, so you're off to hunt for clues. Each clue you find gives you a little bit more information about either who you are or where you should go next. Clues are found by carefully searching through every nook and cranny. See a desk? "Open" it and chances are you'll find something you need. As the mystery of who you are unravels, the story becomes more and more tense, and if you're anything like me, you'll find yourself swept up in the mystery.

The problem with point-and-click games that aren't played on the computer is how slow the cursor can be. Navigating through all of your options on the bottom half of the screen can be a pain with the D-pad, especially if the game doesn't entrance you like it does me. I personally get around this by remembering that, unlike the majority of games I play, Deja Vu requires patience in all ways. If I keep this at the forefront of my mind, I can push past the slight inconvenience of slow controls.

Despite my love for Deja Vu, I still can't help but wonder about Time to Die. I have searched for that game far and wide on the Internet, and have yet to find a single rom or even – fancy that – an actual copy of the game. If anyone knows where I could procure a copy, please leave a comment in the comments section; I would love to embrace some memories on a nostalgic afternoon. Even if I never play Time to Die again, both it and Deja Vucomplement each other in my gaming history. Time to Dieintroduced me to noir and point-and-click at an impressionable age, but Deja Vu blew my teenage mind by enhancing the formula to perfection. Deja Vu is the standard for a classic noir adventure. Some might call it Deja Voodoo, but I just call it timeless.

A

#122 - Castlevania

The game was originally supposed to be titled Conanvania, but Konami came to their senses and gave Simon a whip.

 

I wonder how many hours people have spent trying to ascend the floating staircase.

Playing through every NES game really puts Nintendo's entire gaming output into perspective. Games traditionally failed on the NES, not because they weren't marketed properly like today, but because they were bad games. Read my Castelian and Castle of Deceit reviews to see why no one has ever heard of those games in 2011. Castlevania was released in 1987 for the Nintendo, and, if I'm not mistaken, was one of the first side-scrolling action games for the NES along with Kung Fu, Ghosts N Goblins, and the original Super Mario Bros. Out of all the aforementioned games, only Mario and Castlevania truly live on today. Kung Fu and Ghosts N Goblins were hardly bad games for their day, and in fact, sold quite well, but Castlevania was a huge success. It's for good reason: even 24 years later, Castlevania is one of those Nintendo games, like Mega Man or Contra, that possesses the ability to still feel fresh, exciting, and challenging on every playthrough.

Anyone who's ever been moderately interested in the Castlevania series has read a thousand retrospectives on the series; articles on why the first game was so influential, unique, interesting, fun, on why it launched a dynasty, etc. Even if you didn't read past the entry on Super Castlevania IV in said retrospective, everyone knows the story and the gameplay behind ¾ of the series. Some member of the Belmont goes to take on Dracula and his several reincarnations. Later, in the GBA and DS games, they introduce several new characters and soap opera plotlines, but that's none of our concern. What is important is each person's take on their time with Castlevania. In other words, where were you when you first played one of the original Castlevania games on the NES? So in a sort-of, kind-of break from tradition, I would like readers to leave a comment, stating their first experience with a Castlevania game. I'd prefer if your first experience was with Castlevania I-III on the NES, but beggars can't be choosers. Any reminiscences will do!



When I was a child in the early 90s, I never tried the original three for the NES or Super CV IV for the SNES, and I honestly can't say why. If I had to guess, though, I'd say a part of me was scared. I read game magazines and hint books at the time, and I knew Castlevania games were hard and not for the weak at heart. Don't get me wrong, I could handle a challenge as a kid. In a way, my argument implodes on itself because I know I rented every Mega Man game about a couple dozen times. I just could never beat really challenging games over a three-day rental period at Blockbuster, and I suppose, Mega Man, although challenging, was covered in a shroud of cuteness, which made him appealing to me. Despite his power, no one's going to look at Mega Man's adorable face and be terrified. Castlevania was dark, disturbing, mysterious. While my family was Christian, they wouldn't have objected to me playing the Castlevania games, so that excuse is out. Also, I enjoyed scaring myself, so Castlevania seems like a series I would have been drawn to. ALL THE PIECES FIT! Alas, I will never know my reasoning. While I later tried all three games on an NES emulator in the early 00s (yes, I was behind), my first Castlevania game was indeed Castlevania for the N64. Like many pitiful N64 owners, I swallowed up anything that looked remotely good. I hated the original Castlevania for the N64, but later I tried the "director's cut" Legacy of Darkness and found that much more enjoyable for reasons I can't recall. Nevertheless, neither of those games are solid first entries in the series if you're looking for a place to start.

Yes, all of the retrospectives are true: the original Castlevania is a masterful game and a love letter to monsters in general. Its six levels are intricately designed to make you feel like you're traversing the grounds of an evil castle in Transylvania. Instead of simply latching onto vampire mythology, the game throws every creature in the book at you: mummies, medusa heads, large bats, witches, and for flavor, Frankenstein's monster. For 1987, this was high-quality gaming that only the NES could provide (or, if you were in Japan, the Famicom Disk System). Beautiful atmospheric graphics, mostly tight controls, and some of the best music found in gaming, then and now, provide an all-around excellent experience. Complaints? When enemies hit you, they send you flying backward. Since there are a lot of flying enemies and a lot of precarious jumps to make, simple hits can lead to many instant deaths. If you're a fan, you know all of this already. If you're not a fan, why are you still reading? Go play Castelian or something.

A

 

As always...

#121 - Castlequest

Reasonable font, cheesy character designs, pretty cool looking demon... so far, so good.

Wait... what game is this?

So I'm getting prepared for my Castlevania reviews, the first of which will be published Monday. I'm thinking that, due to the influential nature of that series, they'll be longer and more thought out reviews than the typical tripe published on here. That being said, I'm cutting corners today and letting other people review Castlequest for me! GameFAQS users, take it away!

Castlequest reviews (they ain't pretty)

I didn't hate Castlequest like the majority of those reviewers did, but it certainly is the definition of archaic game design. Hundreds of multi-colored keys are needed to open hundreds of multi-colored doors in an enormous castle. Enemies are everywhere and all you have is a butter knife to defend yourself. It doesn't boil my blood like Castelian, but it won't win any awards for well thought-out game design.

D

#120 - Castle of Dragon

The appropriate response to this cover is to pick it apart. Why does the princess look like a man? Why is the castle drawn so poorly? Why does the dragon look terrified to be alive?

Killer Croc guest stars.

Spoiler alert: this game's getting an “F.” What's with my negative attitude towards games as of late, you ask? The real question is, what's with games that suck getting in the way of good games? If I could, I would prance down the road, stopping to smell and caress the chrysanthemums, before continuing to prance along my merry way. Every game would get an “A” because life is so wonderful, how could anything be bad? Unfortunately, we live in trying times, and in trying times, it gets harder and harder to put smiles on our faces. Perhaps at a different time, in a different place, Castle of Dragon would have gotten a “D.” Perhaps, on a good day, I could overlook the game's raging flaws and say, “Well, Castle of Dragon, God bless it, is trying its best.” After playing through crap after crap after crap, I'm ready for a break. Castle of Dragon spits on my break. I spit on Castle of Dragon.

If Altered Beast and Castlevania had a mutated lovechild, I'd like to think Castle of Dragon would be its name. The backgrounds, the characters, the enemies all remind me of Castlevania, but the overblown sprites (which, admittedly, look pretty good for an NES game) and the clunky swordplay seem stolen directly from that arcade/Genesis “classic.” As with ninety-five percent of all NES games, it's a side-scroller and you play a big sword-swinging beefcake whose trying to rescue the princess. Wield your sword against bats, skeletons, zombies, and any number of Universal monsters that don't seem to respond to the cold edge of a blade. It's simple gameplay, in theory, but things get difficult when you try to use your shield. Your shield bounces the enemies back, but this means you can't swing at them right away. You then have a choice: take an obscene amount of damage while trying to hack your enemy to bits, or block their attacks and watch them bounce around all day. There are power-ups you can get for both your weapon and your armor. If you acquire the blue suit of armor, you have twice as much life, but since the enemies get more difficult as you progress, you can't really survive without it. You can get flame projectiles, among others, for your sword, but after you use them a few times, they're completely depleted. Oh, and you only have one life and no continues.

In Japan, this game is called Dragon Unit. While it's still a stupid name, why would Seta retitle it Castle of Dragon for the United States? For once, Japan was able to put two English words together better than native English speakers. At this point, I'm just complaining to complain, but there really is no reason this game couldn't have been titled Dragon Castle. The title would have looked nicer, probably resulting in more sales and I wouldn't have had to play it until I got to the “D”s. Everybody wins!

F

#119 - Castle of Deceit

Don't worry - this cover is for a completely different game.

A sad day for Little Nemo...

After looking at the cover for Castle of Deceit, you'd be forgiven in thinking that you're either going to play as a vampire that shoots light rays out of it's hands or a vampire hunter who kills said vampires that shoot light rays out of their hands. DON'T BE “DECEIVED!” You actually play as a magician whose apparel of choice happens to be a pink robe, garnished with cut-out yellow stars (according to the game's developers, moons would have taken too much time to draw and glitter, well, don't get them started on how expensive glitter is!). For those who will never play this game – and that better be every single person reading this – yes, your character sprite looks like a six-year-old with his dad's robe on. You shoot stuff out of your wand, get the key, open the door, get the other key, open the other door, get frustrated constantly with terrible controls and cheap enemies, fight surprisingly decent boss battles, and... that's it!

For those of you getting a game design degree who want to write their masters' theses on why unlicensed games are bad for the industry, look no further than Castle of Deceit. Unless Frank Cifaldi, historian of all things retro over on 1Up, can discover why this game wasn't licensed, the only reason I can find is that the game is just awful... or the developers didn't have enough money to pay the licensing fees. But, for argument's sake, I'm running with awful. Much like Duncan Meech and his abomination Castelian, Castle of Deceit's developers Judye Pistole and A.R. Henderson (let's give blame where blame is due) have never held a Nintendo controller in their lives. Jump is programmed to the “B” button, not the “A” button. It's not a huge pain, but you do feel like you're playing backwards sometimes. The magician's movements are slippery, too, as if the terrain was just slathered with Crisco. Hate your life while playing? You bet! Crappy controls are complemented by the cheap enemies, whose patterns and movements have zero rhyme or reason. White stingrays sometimes float up and down, and other times, they come right for you, attacking you with reckless abandon. Most enemies take three hits to kill, but the AI is so “good,” the enemies are constantly dodging your blows. It's so bad, it can take up to twenty seconds to kill one enemy. In twenty seconds, I could have beaten the majority of Contra's first stage. That's a long time to focus on one enemy for an NES title!

After struggling through the first level, I was surprised to find the boss battle was incredibly well done. Every battle is in first-person where you face the boss head on, avoiding his projectiles and hitting him with your own. It feels like some of Contra's battles to some extent, but they're such a nice break from the collect keys, enter doors, try not to upset your grandma with your swearing that the rest of the game gives to you, that it almost feels like a different game.

After trying to beat the second level for what felt like hours, I gave up on Castle of Deceit. All I had to do was run to the right of the stage, climb to a higher level, go back across to the other end of the stage, and enter a door. What stood in my way of this simple task were moth creatures that constantly regenerated every time I beat them. They fly around you, up next to you – basically, they're “all up in your grill” and it's hard to get any shots off of them. They'd knock me off of the top level every time, so I'd walk all the way back to the other side of the stage over and over again. In the end, the moths won. I turned off the game after spending far too much time on it. Don't be like me. Don't play this game.

F