#69 - Batman Returns

The Penguin looks like a lecherous old man here.

No foolin'. This is about as action packed as it gets most of the time.


In the summer of 1992, at the tender age of seven, Batman and I became pretty darn close. I saw "Batman Returns" three times in the theaters, owned "Batman Returns" t-shirts, bedsheets, stickers, movie books, the card game (which I still possess), and I rented and beat the SNES game many times (one of the first games I ever beat). My grandmother even made me a black cape of her own free will. Perhaps it's nostalgia at work, but no Batman movie has come close to topping "Returns" for me (sorry Heath).

I went into this game with moderately high expectations, but I think even my inner seven-year-old would be disappointed. Both the SNES and the NES game are made by Konami, and since the SNES game was an excellent Final-Fight clone, I expected similar levels of quality with the NES version. What's really apparent from the first stage is how barren the stages feel. Batman has a huge street to walk down, but the enemies usually only come in groups of twos, so you never really feel threatened. The graphics look good, and Batman's moves and animation are fantastic, but compared to the cluttered, epic chaos of something like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II, Gotham City feels abandoned. The enemies are ridiculously easy. They basically line up with your fist and wait to get smashed. Even the skeleton motorcycles, so deadly in the SNES version, are cake here. It's disappointing, but considering the high quality of the game's fundamentals - graphics, controls, music - I wondered why Konami skimped on the challenge... or so I thought, until I reached the first boss. He is deathly hard, and it's almost impossible to get past him. Turns out, this is pretty much the pattern for the entire game: relatively easy side-scrolling stages, followed by abominably hard bosses. It doesn't help that you only have one life. Your life bar is long, but if you die at the boss in stage 1-2, you're back to stage 1-1.

Another thing that kills Batman Returns fun factor is the lack of a two-player option. I know Batman walks alone in the movie, as well as most of his games, but unless a beat-em-up is really well done, it's downright boring fighting your way through the dark streets by yourself. This wasn't an issue in the SNES game, as the action was fast and furious at all times. Truthfully, a second player would have cluttered up the screen, but here, there's plenty of room for some form of partner, even if he would just be a different-colored Batman.

The movie will always hold a place in my heart, as will the SNES game, but I can see why I had never heard of this port, even at the time. It's not a mediocre mess like Return of the Joker, but there's nothing to distinguish it from any other 8-bit side-scroller. With far superior games like Double Dragon 2 and River City Ransom available, I see no reason to play this other than for curiosities' sake.

C