#343 - King's Quest V

                           The alternate title was "Peter Pan Becomes A Man"

The graphics leave much to be desired, but the gameplay is pure adventure, baby.

Fans of old computer games speak fondly of the King's Questand Space Questseries. They're well-written adventure games that reward your intuition and attention to detail. King's Quest V, a port from the PC to the NES, is no different. You play as King Graham, a man of the people, and your quest involves getting your castle back from the evil wizard, Mordack. Seems ol' Mordack cast a spell on the castle that lifted it clear off the ground and into the ether, along with your entire family. With the help of the friendly talking owl, Cedric, and Crispin, a kindly old wizard, your castle is as good as returned.

Old PC adventure games don't really have "gameplay," as console gamers would define it today. The majority of King's Quest Vis spent searching for items and using those items at the appropriate time. An easy example would be in the very beginning when you encounter a vengeful bear. The only way to get past this bear is if you looked through the barrel in the first town and discovered the old fish. Chuck the old fish at the bear to satiate his bloodlust and be on your way. If that sort of lateral thinking in a game doesn't wet your whistle, I wouldn't bother with King's Quest. This goes double for the outdated mechanics. As fond as I am for these games, I'm not fond of hitting Select any time I want to do anything. If you want to talk to people, buy something, use an item to interact with another item, you have to hit Select to bring up the menu, highlight whatever action you want to take with the cursor, then drag the cursor onto the item or person you want to interact with. It's awfully clunky, but considering that King's Questis a PC port, I'm of the mind that it could be much worse.

Truly King's Quest Vis a game you either enjoy and appreciate for its challenge or despise for how stupid it makes you feel. I personally believe that everyone should give it a shot, if only to appreciate how streamlined (and, in my opinion, incredibly easy) games have truly become.

B+

#342 - King's Knight

At least Square didn't try to "Americanize" this cover with some beefy hunk and scantily clad bikini babe, although "action-adventure" is a real stretch.

This screenshot is obtuse, so allow me to explain: you're a thief boy on a tropical island shooting the wildlife.

Did you know that Squaresoft made a vertically scrolling shooter with RPG elements? Perhaps this is not news to any of you, but I'm stunned, not only of King's Knight's existence, but that no one's ever tried to improve on this bizarre, unique formula. For the first four stages, you begin playing as a different character. In Stage 1, you're the knight, stage 2, the wizard, stage 3, a dragon, and stage 4, a thief boy. The goal of each stage is to blast everything in sight (even knights and thief boys have weapons that shoot projectiles, apparently) and collect as many items as you unearth through shooting to increase your abilities and levels. Abilities to increase include your weapon, your speed, your defense, and your jumping capabilities. If any of your characters dies on their respective stages, they're gone for good and you may as well start over from the beginning. Essentially, the point of the entire game is to build up each character's levels on their stages, then on the fifth stage, you switch between them in order to defeat the final boss. Hidden collectible elements in each stage will also allow you to cast strong spells on this final boss.

Square was definitely ahead of their time here. Who would have known that twenty-some years later, RPG elements would be showing up in everything from Call of Duty to Street Fighter? While I applaud the overall concept, King's Knightis hampered down by some choppy controls and borderline obscene difficulty (it takes at least ten items of health to restore your life bar, and only three to destroy it?). Square's heart is definitely in the right place, though. Someone needs to resurrect this idea, stat!

B

#341 - King of Kings - The Early Years

                                                     The original cover...

... and the alternate cover. My guess is sales were slow, so Wisdom Tree tried to make the game look more action-packed. Hah!

What blasphemy is this that was born from the bowels of Wisdom Tree! Taking Bible stories out of context in Bible Adventures was bad enough, but did Wisdom Tree have to make a pseudo-sequel – with three games and Bible verses aplenty - based around the first few years of Jesus' life? Can you imagine some radical Muslim developer making a game around some of the holiest parts of the Quran? To do so would demean the text, and yet, Wisdom Tree, a supposedly Christian company with a fondness for publishing illegal games, found it ok to do this with the Bible. And yes, even if I put my personal convictions aside, the three "games" contained within are still horribly made. Behold!

The Wise Men: In this particular romp, you play as the three wise men on camels who must trek through the desert collecting gold, frankincense, and myrrh to present to Jesus in a manger. I should mention that the desert and most of the enemies appear to be "borrowed" from Super Mario Bros 2. Not only does Wisdom Tree make illegal games, they also blatantly copy other companies' ideas. Still, this is the best of the three games, in that, there's actually things to do. Being able to attack enemies and hop from platform to platform while avoiding other enemies is actually about as exciting as any of the three games get. Beware, 'The Wise Men' goes from 0 to ridiculously hard by the second stage. It doesn't help that your only attack is camel spittle (seriously). Bonus points do go to Wisdom Tree for actually trying to make a game here.

                                       Mind those crazy desert porcupines!

Flight to Egypt: And the downhill slide begins with this second game. Here you play as Jesus, Mary, and Joseph on a donkey riding to Egypt. In the Bible, they're escaping from King Herod's edict, which stated that every young male child in Bethlehem was to be slaughtered. Heavy stuff. In this game, they're escaping from bats, snakes, falling dirt, and especially boulders. The boulders will bounce, roll, and pummel their way towards the trio, and it's up to the donkey to get you out of it. Oy. Each level is pretty much the same – a straight dirt path with a dirt background – save for color palette swaps on every background. Like in the Bible, Jesus, Mary and Joseph eventually make it to Egypt, so at least they're sticking to the source material.

                  This is what I affectionately refer to as 'The Purple Stage.'

Jesus & The Temple: In this particular Bible story, Jospeh and Mary realize they left Jesus at the temple and go back to get him. In the game, Joseph must venture through waterfalls and caves and all manner of evil insects and animals, while Mary is in town, avoiding dishware being thrown from windows and bouncing on rooftops. I guess Wisdom Tree felt they had to spruce this particular portion up, but you're better off just reading the book. Joseph and Mary have no way to protect themselves so you're at the mercy of avoiding every enemy that comes your way. Jumping is a real crapshoot. Most of the time you jump into the path of other enemies, or just don't jump at all. I'm assuming they find Jesus at the temple. If you've read any of these stories before, the entire game is incredibly anticlimactic.

                                            Joseph on his way to the temple. 

This game is not an affront to society nor do I feel like its presence is damaging to the lives of retro gamers everywhere, but it begs the question, why? Why does it exist? Who benefits from this game? Christian gamers should be offended that King of Kings belittles Christ's early years and is boring to the point of unplayability. Other non-Christian gamers should be offended that Wisdom Tree tries to pass this off as "edutainment." If you want to learn about Jesus, read the Bible. If you want to play a game, play just about anything else.

F

#340 - King Neptune's Adventure

                    Fu Manchu is King Neptune in King Neptune's Adventure

I'm just gonna label this picture with a big, fat "Ugh" and leave it at that.

I'd say King Neptune deserves better than this, but in all reality, who the hell is King Neptune and why does he have his own adventure? Neptune was a Roman god, not a king. Anyways, whoever he is and whatever authority he lays claim to, you should forgo his quest entirely, for the good of your soul. Attempting to play through this game can cause severe sensory overload and overwhelming frustration, sometimes together. Goal: to collect Neptune's eight treasures from different parts of the sea, in a relatively non-linear, Metroid-like manner. You have two weapons at your disposal, a lightning bolt and a bubble bomb. The lightning bolt is worthless against anything other than smaller enemies, and you have a limited amount of bubble bombs. The latter wouldn't be so bad if bubble bombs weren't crucial to your advancement in the game. They're needed for boss fights, to blow through certain sections, and while you can get more by destroying enemies, they're too few and far between. Enemies don't regenerate unless you're in a certain area called the Open Ocean. This latter area, along with the Sunken Ship, are unequivocal game ruiners. Enemies literally emerge from nowhere onto King Neptune, causing him damage. In the Open Ocean, the green and red background clash with the green and red enemies who vomit green and red projectiles. I didn't know how I was getting hit half the time, and I wanted to curse this supposedly mighty King Neptune who was getting shredded to bits by the weakest of his creatures (starfish, really?). The Sunken Ship is a cluster of a mess of an area. You're supposed to bounce bubble bombs off of walls to blow up certain enemies, but the bubble bombs do what they will and do not follow your leading. God only knows what awaits you after you get past these two areas. At this point, only God will know. I'm not going back out in that water and I suggest you don't either.

F

#339 - Kid Niki: Radical Ninja

Kid Niki in no way resembles this mullet-driven beefcake. A pox on this cover!

                                       Is this racist? I'm still laughing at it.

"Atta Boy!" are the two words that appear on the top of the screen after Kid Niki successfully destroys a boss. To see such encouraging words of adulation in any game is stunning, let alone in a "primitive" NES game. Too often games are quick to deride, but not build up the player in their quest (Batman: Arkham Asylum comes readily to mind, as it's the "current-gen" game that I've most recently played). Some would say this derision builds up anger in the player, making him/her want to defeat the game that dares to challenge his worth as a gamer. But I digress. Kid Niki is cute, fun and emboldens you to be the most radical ninja of them all.

Kid Niki is your typical early NES platformer, with each stage consisting of running forward, hitting guys with your weapon, jumping from platform to platform and little else. I know I've often stated that simple level design can be a bad thing in games. Kid Niki's levels, rudimentary run-throughs though they may be, inject inspired Japanese craziness at every turn. Whereas Kid Niki is the one, the only radical ninja, your adorable ninja brethren – clad in blue, orange, pink, and other sherbet- inspired colors – will stop at nothing to take you down. The bosses range from crazy big-headed sumo men to creepy flying kabuki mistresses that multiply when you hit them. For me, creativity in the design of a game's denizens (and let's not forget good controls) can go a long way in elevating the overall appeal of the game. Perhaps Kid Nikicould have been a touch more difficult or included a wider variety of gameplay, but I'm content with what the game decided to bestow.

B

#338 - Kid Kool and the Quest for the Seven Wonder Herbs

Warning: the game is not nearly as American and stupid looking as it may appear. Nor does Kid Kool resemble Kid Chameleon in any way.

He may look like he's walking on sunshine, but he's actually knee deep in Bantha poodoo.

I don't care how kool this kid is or how wonderful his seven herbs may be. His game stinks like yesterday's patchouli. This comes as a bit of a disappointment, frankly. I would much rather Kid Koolbe fun, with its quirky Japanese stereotypes and Mario-esque gameplay, than Kid Klown, a damnable-looking, but surprisingly enjoyable game. But I don't make the rules or the games, so I'm stuck with Kid Kool's offensive, sluggish controls and boring level structure. Let's start with the controls: when Kid Kool runs, he controls like Mario, which, as we all know, is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, he can not just barrage his way through a level, thus some amount of walking is in order. When Kid Kool walks and tries to bounce on enemies heads without dying, he controls like Mario would in real life – like an overweight plumber who needs to take an extra couple o' breaths to keep from fainting. He's slow to turn and easy to hit, which is a wonderful combination for a one-hit death. Should you have Kid Kool's weapon, a weird strawberry-shaped creature that doles out delicious damage to every enemy, the game is a lot easier because you don't have to rely on Kid Kool's atrocious stomping abilities. This weapon only appears at the beginning of each level, though, so should you lose it, it's gone until the next stage. Kid Kool's second offense would be the poorly designed levels, which perhaps, wouldn't feel as poorly designed were it not for the controls. The game is your typical hop-n-bop platformer, move along, nothing to see here. Nothing to collect (the exception being the groovy herbs), nothing to do, except kill enemies and be on your merry way. Sometimes this simplicity is enough. With Kid Kool's propensity for frustration, deaths, and boredom, a little ingenuity in the level design would have gone a long way. Guess those wonder herbs will just have to rescue themselves.

D+

#337 - Kid Klown in Night Mayor World

You'd be forgiven for thinking this was the alternate cover for "Shakes the Clown."

                                                A real battle of the wits

I was worried that playing this game would give me nightmares (not "night mayors" – der hur), as I'm absolutely terrified of/hate clowns*. Thankfully, Kid Klown is as kid-friendly as they come, even in the klown department. It's also surprisingly fun, in spite of the boring lead character (his first name is Kid, he's a clown, and he has to rescue his family – he also talks to himself and wets his bed) and the relatively easy difficulty. It's completely doable to beat this game's six stages within an hour. The older I get, the less free time I have, the more I like these short, entertaining games. Kid Klownis your typical, late-gen platformer: kill enemies, jump from platform to platform, move to the next level. Your one and only weapon are your limitless supply of balloons, but balloons aren't just weapons. They can also be used to jump to higher places or to float over gaps. Collect the strawberries in each level for a chance to go to the bonus stage and refill your life, get extra lives, or add on to your health meter. Strawberries are delicious and very healthy for you, but collecting them is not why one plays Kid Klown. Nor does one play the game because one likes platformers or clowns or even night mayors. One plays Kid Klownbecause it's a good game, even though it has absolutely no right to be.

B

*For the record, the scariest things in the game are a snowman mid-boss, with its razor-sharp teeth and blood-red eyes; and the final boss, Night Mayor, who actually looks demon-possessed in his final form.