#356 - Last Action Hero

                                               Don't worry, it's all a dream...

As in most Arnold-related things, everyone's out to get you because you're just that awesome.

I don't know if any Schwarzenegger fan would argue against "Last Action Hero" being one of Arnold's lesser films, and I pray that no NES fan would argue against Last Action Hero being one of the worst games for the NES. I know Total Recall takes a lotta heat for being a major stinkbomb that also happens to be based on an Arnold film, and rightfully so. But, if I may, lend me your eyes and your predispositions: Last Action Hero is at least as smelly as Total Recall and possibly smellier.

Let's put aside the bad graphics (is that you inside that sunglasses-wearing midget, Arnold?), the derivative gameplay (punch, punch, punch), and the surprisingly competent soundtrack ("Hamlet" stage, I'll be darned) and focus entirely on the hit detection. First mistake: Arnold can't punch someone without taking at least one hit. Ever. Since the enemies constantly regenerate and come at you orare located where you can't hit them in the level, your lives will go down like so many shattered pelvises. I'd honestly be surprised if this game was beatable without a Game Genie. It's just that cheap. For those wondering about my own progress, I got to the second stage, made it to the end boss, died, continued, made it to the end boss again, died, called it a day.

The reason you never hear of this game making any "worst" lists is probably because no one played it or wanted to play it. Last Action Hero is, obviously, based on "Last Action Hero," one of the biggest box-office bombs of 1993. The game was released months after the movie on a system that was all but dead at the time. I'd be surprised and elated if it only sold five copies.

F

#355 - Laser Invasion

With all this firepower aimed at your face, you're gonna need at least ten shots of whiskey before you even think about playing.

             Just in case you were wondering, the Danger Zone is nigh.

There's a whole lot of crushed dreams going on in Laser Invasion. Perhaps the first Konami game I've ever played that didn't inspire mushy feelings and love notes (Konami is indeed one of the greatest game developers of all time), Laser Invasion is an arcade-y mess that tries too hard to be action-packed, when it contains all the excitement of a blocked colon. Flying a helicopter and blowing up other helicopters should be fun, not frustrating, but it's hard to progress when one missile sends your whirlybird crashing down onto third-world nations. It's easier and better to just avoid the helicopters and save your missiles for the end boss, but there's little enjoyment to be had from just driving a helicopter (take that, SimCopter!). There are two other types of stages, the gun-shooting stages where you use a Zapper to take out enemies that pop up on the screen, and a maze section where you collect items and weaponry to use in other helicopter and gun-shooting stages. I unfortunately never made it past the helicopter stage, despite trying numerous times, so I can't comment on the other sections, but they frankly look and sound generic and boring. I understand Konami wanted to introduce the LaserScope, their voice-activated headset, in conjunction with Laser Invasion, but you don't really need it to play. In fact, based on videos I've seen of the LaserScope in use, it's just easier to play the game with the standard controls and the Zapper. Thankfully, Konami never sought to make Laser Invasion 2: 'Copter Boogaloo and went back to focusing on games that gave a damn about fun. For this, I salute them.

D+

#354 - Kung-Fu Heroes

I was really hoping Jackie would bring his other brother Chan, and Lee would bring his other brother Jet... ::sigh::

Contrary to popular belief, poking 1-Ups does not make them like you. You must be gentle, but firm.

Kung-Fu Heroes is a short, repetitive, addicting monster of a game. It's a game that doesn't really deserve to be played, but you play it anyway. You ask yourself, what in the world is going on? Why do I have to destroy exactly twelve enemies in order to advance to the next level? Why are the levels essentially squares where enemies continuously pour in from the sides? Eventually, after a few levels of constant punching or flip-kicking onto enemies and squashing them, you go with it. You shrug your shoulders and embrace whatever type of kung-fu this game supposedly offers. You find that, by punching the blocks in each environment, you collect treasures and sometimes power-ups. These power-ups supposedly hurt distinct enemies in certain levels, but it's hard for you to know where to unleash them. You hold onto them for safekeeping and hope that a simple punch or flip-kick will do. On the fourth stage of each round, a scary dragon creature will attack you and make all the other enemies disappear. Defeating this creature proves to be impossible for you, but thankfully, he disappears after a set-time. He's not a boss, though. There are no bosses, no real sense that you're accomplishing anything other than kicking or punching blocks and enemies. Do you feel satisfied? You shrug your shoulders. You continue playing until the end - thirty-two levels - possibly because you have nothing else to do with your time or possibly, just maybe, there are hints of a good game in Kung-Fu Heroes. It truly is difficult to say.

C+

 

 

#353 - Kung-Fu

                                                             Kung-Fu*

                                *does not contain any actual kung-fu

And by punching over his opponent, Kung-Fu Man realized he would spend the rest of his days in a wheelchair.

Kick, punch, it's all in the mind. Or in Kung Fu's case, it's all that you do. Kung Fu is one of the original NES launch titles, so don't go into this expecting a wide array of technically impressive attacks. 'A' is punch, 'B' is kick, 'Up' is jump: be content with this and you will go far. Each stage sees you progressing either to the left or to the right, while piles of guys run at you, begging to be embraced by the lightning within you. Most guys you simply knock away with one hit, like so many abused punching balloons. Others, like the knife throwing guy and the short elven folk, require extra hits and a keen eye. To keep the game interesting, occasionally baubles filled with snakes will fall from the sky and dragons will appear, blow fire, then disappear. Each level has a boss whose difficulty ranges from "wait, that was it?" to "that bugger just took all my life with one hit!" The background graphics, music, and all-around gameplay are the same in every level, which is awesome if you're a fan of repetition. I personally get sucked into Kung-Fu every time I play it, even though it's incredibly dated and not that good of a game. For me, the speed at which the enemies advance towards you keep the game (mildly) interesting. I also have a score to settle: I have yet to make it past the large black guy at the end of the third level. There's still two more levels! I want to save Sylvia from Mr. X! Even in '85, Kung-Fu wasn't Nintendo's finest hour, but it was another solid addition to a surprisingly varied original lineup.

B-

#352 - Krusty's Fun House

                       I like how Bart's smiling while Krusty's being attacked by rats.

This screen cap explains everything you need to know about the game, and yet, it's so vague...

I'm all for watching hours of "The Simpsons" on my local Fox affiliated station or on my stacks of Simpsons DVDs or illegally online, in any number of ways. But I can only play about fifteen minutes of any number of Simpsons games, especially the early ones. Even the arcade game, while nostalgic, isn't as fun as you remember (sorry, everyone). Krusty's Fun House is one of the better early Simpsons game entries in that, it's a unique idea, it's definitely playable until the end, and the controls don't make you want to scream profanities at the sky.

If you've ever played Lemmings or Worms, you'll have a basic grasp of Krusty's Fun House. Krusty the Clown, for whatever reason, has been charged in leading dozens of rats to their demise. Each level is a mix of getting the rats to Bart's Rat Stomping Machine (patent pending) and destroying large snakes and blocks with random items. It's as strange as it sounds, and each level contains an equal amount of fun and frustration. It's always fulfilling figuring out how to get the rats to ascend or descend to their final destination, but it can be pull-your-green-fuzz-out annoying to get there. The later levels particularly feel like they were crafted by Pinhead or Jigsaw, sans the eventual deaths (but hey, they're all clowns, right? Bros before hos!). If only there was a little more variety in both the level design and the gameplay. Rats always need to climb blocks to get sucked through holes to get crunched by Bart, the end. Lemmings and Worms includes several varieties of creatures, along with various gameplay options like weaponry and destructible environments. Perhaps it's not fair to compare the different games, but Krusty's Fun House would be vastly improved by drawing further inspiration from these games (Lemmings, certainly, as Worms hadn't come out in '92, I don't believe). Either way, having a go in the Fun House is a lot better way to spend your time than helping Bart save the world or destroying Space Mutants. As Selma would say to Troy McClure on their date in the episode, "A Fish Called Selma," "I had a pretty good time."

B-

#253/351 - George Foreman's K.O. Boxing

Sure, Foreman's all smiles, until Eddy "The Pirate" Preston knocks his teeth out.

                            Mike Tyson hungrily eyes Foreman's facial features...

I never expected a boxing game to be so depressing, but playing as George Foreman in George Foreman's KO Boxing really makes one stop and ponder their own mortality. When you first press Start, a screen comes up that gives George Foreman's stats and information. At the time of this game, he was 43 and making his boxing comeback. This in and of itself is a potential cause for celebration. "Foreman Ready to Beat People Half His Age Senseless!" read the headlines. But therein lies the sadness. He's trying to beat people half his age and twice as spry. Lorenzo "Bullet" Luciano is the first opponent you face and he's a doozy. His super-punches (press Select to perform your own, though they're not nearly as powerful as the computer's) can knock down two-thirds of your life, and should one connect, you'll be down on the ground soon. You can struggle back up to the ring by hitting A + B together really fast and regain most of your life, but you can only do this three times within the span of a bout. Despite the decent mechanics, this game is too hard for its own good. If the first opponent can knock down a huge chunk of Foreman's health with one well-placed blow, then something's wrong. K.O. Boxing is reminiscent of Punch-Out, sans the cartoony charm and gradual increase in difficulty. Once you get knocked out, a screen appears that shows an incredibly well-rendered picture of George Foreman sitting on the side of the ring, head bowed, defeated. One can only imagine the inner turmoil the man is going through. Just do him a favor: turn off the game and go buy one of his grills. Burgers are much tastier than defeat.

C-

#350 - The Krion Conquest

            Glenda the Good Witch and the Tin Man strike out on their own.

        I feel as though I've seen this game before, perhaps six different times...

First of all, let me express how terribly disappointed I am that this game is not called Krion Konquest. "Conquest" is practically begging to begin with a "K," I tell you! Begging! Anywho, it's taken until the 'K's but here we are with our first full-blown, unapologetically blatant Mega Man clone. Oh sure, you're a witch instead of a Rockman, and you begin with a set amount of powers instead of earning them as you go. But from the witch sprite that is very obviously a morphed Mega Man, to the shoot-and-ask-questions-later game mechanics, to the annoying timing of the enemies, to the powers that you have (instead of using Rush as a step or a jet, you have... a broom), to the obnoxious difficulty, to the pseudo action-packed music... well, I could go on. I don't have a problem with games that are rip-offs. I have a problem with games that are poorly-made rip-offs, and The Krion Conquest is very much made by people who don't understand the essence of Mega Man. Instead of controlling a charming, lovable, but lethal robot who inherits the powers of the enemies he destroys, you control a generic witch who already has all the powers she'll need. There is no sense of achievement, knowing that your character is as powerful in the first level as they'll be at the end of the game. A sense of "why-bother?" permeates the entire game, especially since the enemies are brutal and health is scarce. Sad, because The Krion Conquest could have been an enjoyable Mega Man-esque adventure, had it stuck a little more religiously to the source it "borrows" from. Instead, it's soulless, an abandoned shell of a far superior game. Capcom deserves better homages.

D+