#349 - Krazy Kreatures

Just in case anyone was wondering what demonic faces looked like encased in bubblegum, here they are!

Should you choose to go "krazy," this is what you have to look forward to.

If I came into your home, laid out an empty game board, and just started throwing goofy and creepy looking creatures onto the board with reckless abandon, demanding that you re-arrange them in rows of three, lest the board fill up with the creatures and you die, you'd kick me out of your house in some violent manner, and for good reason. That is psychotic behavior. Rest assured, I would never demean myself to that degree, but the behavior I engaged in in this hypothetical situation is exactly the premise of Krazy Kreatures.

Each level of Krazy Kreatures is made with empty black space and obstructions of varying degree. Animals and books and disembodied teeth, among other nightmares are then thrust onto the level. You must re-arrange them into groups of three (or four, depending on the level) and try and clear as much of the level as you can. At some point in each level, the game will stop throwing things on the black space. At this point, a time limit will appear and your goal then becomes to clear as much of the level as you can. The more you clear, the more points you get and the crazy creatures are yours to command. Truth be told, I got sucked into the fast-paced rhythms of Krazy Kreatures. It's the epitome of an addictive five-minute time-waster, a game that should be on the App Store for 99 cents. Don't play it expecting depth or substance and you may enjoy yourself.

B-

#348 - Knight Rider

                                                  Hasslehoff not included

Don't you hate being behind two semis when one's trying to pass the other? Good thing you have a gun equipped.

Disclaimer: I can't relate to anyone's fond memories of David Hasselhoff's adventures with a snooty, albeit awesome talking car, as the show went off the air when I was a mere one-year-old. I can say that, compared to other NES racing games, Knight Rider comes in somewhere around the middle Believe it or not, this really hassles my hoff, as there's a lot to admire about the game. In Mission mode, you have to keep track of your gas meter, time limit, and shield, on top of avoiding all oncoming traffic, especially the red cars/trucks which will shoot at you. You also have a gun and a jump feature, both of which work well. All of these mechanics add much-needed depth to the traditional NES racing style, but unfortunately, Akklaim only gets about half of them right. Gas runs out far too quickly, and while you can acquire more by shooting special yellow item cars/trucks, you're just as likely to get more time or another item you probably don't need. Your shield is likewise too weak, considering you're driving KITT the Wonder Trans-Am. A couple hits and KITT will explode, leaving nothing but a charred corpse, surprisingly well-coiffed hair, and shattered dreams. The gun works ok if you're at a distance, but don't shoot the devilish red cars up close unless you want to get pelted with bullets. The good news is, in Drive mode, you're free to simply drive through the levels without worrying about enemies. Unfortunately, you still have to worry about gas, time limits, etc. which seems to defeat the purpose of having a drive mode. Then again, KITT wasn't made to "drive." He was made to serve death to legions of terrorists, while spouting witty quips to hide his true masculinity. Or something. I never watched the show.

C-

#347 - Klax

Nothing says "rad" like a mangled pink hand. "You've been klaxing again, haven't you Billy?"

Electric Light Orchestra should have composed the soundtrack for this game.

Klax is a bold slap to the face of Tetris. Klaxsays, "Screw your outdated Soviet imagery and folk tunes. I'm going to be Tetris for the neon, opulent Nineties. Instead of shaped-blocks falling like manna from the heavens, simple Lego square pieces falling from a conveyor belt in space because God doesn't exist. Your primitive lengthy stacking field is no match for my condensed rectangular field. Sure, I'll include the ability to get a 'tetris,' but I'll call it a 'Klax.' Andmy players will be able to get Klaxes horizontally, vertically, and diagonally with only three blocks of the same color. Yeah, diagonally, I know. Take some notes. Perhaps the biggest overhaul to your aged gameplay are the inclusion of objectives. My levels aren't just blocks falling faster and faster until you can no longer see straight. I have goalsmy players need to meet in order to beat my levels. Get three diagonals in a row. Sound easy? That's because it's only level three. Why don't you start on level 11 where you have to get fifteen klaxes to progress? You can't because you're too backwards? That's because the era of the Soviet Union is over. Capitalism and freedom won. Klaxfor a new decade, baby! In the puzzle business, you either embrace progress or rust like so many iron sickles."

Wow, Klaxis a windy bastard, isn't it? I'd still rather play Tetris, but Klax is fun if you're looking for a new spin on the Tetris-esque sub-genre of puzzle games. So much for progress.

B-

#346 - KlashBall

Despite what this cover shows, you don't actually play outdoors, surrounded by adoring fans.

                    KlashBall looks confusing, but it's really just gussied-up soccer.

If KlashBall is the sport of the future, then it really needs to stop playing like soccer in a racquetball court. Four beefcakes face off against four other beefcakes on a claustrophobic court for possession of the "klashball." Pick one of three teams, choose either Knockout mode – a single match against one other team – or if you want your fill of KlashBall and then some, pick League mode, which pits you against ten other teams, one match after another. The gameplay is essentially a fast soccer game on a cramped, closed court, but at least KlashBall controls well. Switching between players is automatic and never a burden, and when you're in control of the ball, it's easy to glide along the court. Scoring is another matter entirely. The computer-controlled goalie is the bestgoalie since ::insert amazing goalie's name here::. It's absolutely insane trying to get a shot off of him, and the only time I did was when he was distracted with one of my other players. AI madness! Added frustration for me was trying to knock down the opposing team and failing, despite the fact that they could knock me down and take the klashball, no big deal. KlashBall keeps things fresh by adding tile powerups on the court, but for me, the action was so fast and/or furious, that I never went out of my way to pick them up. Perhaps the latter, along with my crippling disability for playing any sport at any time, is the reason why I suck at KlashBall.

C+

#345 - Kiwi Kraze

         I'm going to guess that this game sold poorly for obvious reasons.

This is the original title and cover for Kiwi Kraze. Much, much better and more accurate to the game.

                               The bird is wearing SNEAKERS! FREAK YEAH!

I've never been to New Zealand, but I'm pretty sure it's amazing there. Any country that gives the world the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, Flight of the Conchords and kiwi birds has to be a special place, indeed. Kiwi Kraze kicks New Zealand's awesomeness up another notch. It's a bizarre, endearing platformer that has you playing a kiwi and rescuing your kiwi brethren from zoos all around New Zealand. Cartoony guards and other zoo creatures will try to stop you, but you have an arsenal of lances, bombs, and lasers to keep them at bay. Instead of huge, open expanses, the levels actually feel like zoo enclosures designed to keep the kiwis trapped. Narrow paths with spikes around the borders of the area are common. Another clever touch: hijacking certain enemies' flying clouds to propel yourself upward or around obstacles. You also don scuba gear when you jump into the water, leaving those prone to cuteness, such as myself, with severe squee aneurysm. There are secret warps to discover, unique boss fights (get swallowed by a whale and blow him up from the inside!), and most of all, a main character who's so adorable, even his death scream will leave you squealing for joy. The little quibbles, such as the kiwi's poor jumping skills, are overshadowed by the amount of creativity and sweetness that went into this game. Score one for the island country that could.

A-

#344 - Kirby's Adventure

I wish Kirby was as popular as Hello Kitty. I'd totally rock a Kirby toaster.

                                  Kirby's Adventure 2: Kirby Visits Holland!

It's really hard to hate on Kirby. His puffy pink design (complete with puffy phalanges!) and ability to copy enemies' abilities gives him a cute, bad-ass appeal. His later games, like Kirby's Mass Attack or Kirby's Epic Yarn, have really expanded on the concept of what Kirby as a character is capable of, but earlier games such as Kirby's Adventure were all about simple platforming. Kirby's Adventure was indeed His Royal Puff-ness' one and only NES game, and while the game can be breezed through in an hour or less, it's still a satisfying, technicolor adventure.

If you've never played a Kirby game, Kirby's Adventureis the place to start. The original Game Boy games are fun, but the NES opened up the drab gray and green landscape that was Kirby's Dreamland and turned it into a colorful paradise. Kirby's pink-ness in particular bursts off the screen, while the tropical palette of orange, greens, and blues complement Kirby's upbeat personality. Kirby's ability to suck up enemies and gain their powers also makes its debut here. Powers include beams of light, fireballs, parasols, and the ability to turn into a wheel and decimate everything. The latter is a special boss power. PRO-TIP: always suck up the bosses after you've defeated them to gain their rich, tasty courage/powers. There are eight worlds and four stages on each world, along with some fun bonus games, like a crane game (pick up the largest Kirby for extra lives!). Despite the thirty-two levels, the game goes by rather quickly. Normally, I would view short length as deterrent to a game's enjoyment, but, to me, the length feels just right. Kirbygames never outlast their welcome.

As I was playing (quickly) through Kirby's Adventure last night, I wondered if I would give this game a good score, simply because it was a Kirby game. After all, a strong argument can be made against the game's lack of difficulty and brevity. I will say this: I don't enjoy Kirby's Adventure as much as I used to, but what does that mean? I don't enjoy "Aladdin" as much as I did when I was seven years old, but that doesn't mean it's not a great Disney movie. Both "Aladdin" and Kirby's Adventure are well-crafted, enjoyable examples of art made for kids that adults can also enjoy. Who can argue with that?

A

#343 - Kings of the Beach

          Truly this cover deserves a proper burial in a New Mexico landfill.

                                       Let the volleyball bro-down commence!

Beach please, Electronic Arts must have a mental disease! That crazy monolith of a company teamed up with Ultra Games to give NES players perhaps the greatest (only?) volleyball game for the NES. When this game was released, the go-go '90s were just around the corner. Kings of the Beach celebrates the end of a decade with some sun, shorts, and a whole lotta sand in your pants. Start off with a quick 2-on-2 match or, if you're feeling frisky, hit up a tournament. The tournament is where the true money lies. Each stage will take you to different locales and face you off against different tough guys who think they have what it takes to best your almighty mack daddy team of Sinjen Smith and Randy Stoklos. The gameplay is the same whether you're playing a match or a tournament: you serve, spike, block, and set up moves with your other partner. You can even argue totally bogus calls against the ref! Obviously, in a tournament, Smith and Stoklos need to bring their 'A' game. Might I suggest busting out the NES Four-Score to practice with some bro-dies? Virtual volleyball arguably doesn't get much better than a bunch of dudes sitting around an NES. Some burgers, some beers, a few laughs. Just don't go looking for pixelated chicks. This ain't Queens of the Beach.

B