#247 - Galaxy 5000: Racing in the 51st Century

              I hope the future holds more interesting things than poo weaponry.

            You're the best... AROUND! NOTHING'S EVER GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN!


Thanks to those who responded to the feedback. I really appreciated everyone's comments. Now back to the reviews!

Galaxy, Galaga, Galactic, they all come out the same color in the end. Galaxy 5000 is a intergalactic racing game about dreams and what you need to accomplish and achieve said dreams. A big honking grey spacecraft, you say? Only if you want your dreams to come true. Some foreboding expensive weapon add-on named "The Crusher," you say? Yeah, this'll help, son, but don't get too cocky: the other racers probably have similar weapon upgrades. Each series of races is held on different planets in the solar system. It starts off with Mercury, then moves to Venus, then to Pluto (woops) with each series of races getting progressively more difficult, and as a result, interesting. I wasn't really impressed with the game until it moved to Venus and actually started giving birth to challenge. Each planet has four races, with each race consisting of the same track layout, but different obstacles set into play. At first, there are little blockades to maneuver around, but eventually turrets get put up, accelerators, bouncy balls, and finally, a Chuck E Cheese playland (actual playland to be constructed in the 52nd century). The whole galaxy is against you achieving your dream of becoming the world's first Intergalactic Racer Extraordinaire. Luckily, your spacecraft controls like a dream, at least with the "Alpha" controls (I didn't test the "Beta" controls, due to the "Alpha" set being so darn easy/dreamy). It's not difficult to win here and there, but it is harder to stay ahead in some of the later races. As far as I could tell, you never really die or get disqualified, unless you refuse to repair your ship after every race. Take care of your ship! She's your pride and joy and the one-way ticket out of your scuzzy studio apartment on Neptune! Yeah, Galaxy 5000 may not look or sound pretty, but it's got replay in spades. Literal spades!

B+

Comments, feedbacks, suggestions

Well, as the post headline says... comments, feedback, suggestions. Anyone? The implication behind each and every post is that I welcome any and everyone's insight, but I never seem to get any. Either no one is really reading or they like what I'm doing and wish me to keep up the good work.

I feel the need to ask for thoughts or suggestions at this point. I'm almost a third of the way through the entire NES library, and though I desire to finish the reviews as quickly as possible, I fear that they are growing stale. If said staleness is noticeable, I would like for my long-time readers to tell me one way or the other. I'd rather take a month or two off and come back rejuvenated then continue to decline in quality.

I have no desire to change the current format, though. I enjoy the longer reviews from the earlier days, but I can not spend as much time on this project as I could in the past, nor do I feel that people on the Internet really have time to devote to read longer, in-depth reviews. I know when I'm on the Internet, I appreciate short, concise, well-written articles that don't make me think too much. I'm not proud of this fact, but I'm just being honest. If I want depth - and I often do - I turn to books.

But I ramble. Please let me know anything that's on your mind, readers. Of utmost importance to me are feedback on the reviews themselves, but any comments you wish to leave about any other subject - like the sponginess of hot dogs, for example - are fine as well.


Cheers,

Dylan

#246 - Galaga: Demons of Death

I didn't even know Demons of Death was the subtitle for Galaga until a couple days ago. Oh Galaga, you still have much to teach us after all these years!

Nothing like some double-ship action to ruin some space bees plans for the evening.

From the opening credits where the title screen rises amidst a sea of twinkling colored pixels, to the sound effects which range from the space bugs dive bombing you, to the steady hum of your ship preparing for imminent battle before each stage begins, I friggin love Galagalike a fat kid loves cake. It's the steady-as-she-goes gameplay that drew me in as a child. I loved the concept of ever-increasing waves of insect enemies and the ability to have your spaceship captured, only to recover it – and have it fight alongside of your current ship! - by destroying the enemy that took it. Like all arcade games from the early 80s, the emphasis was on how many points you could rack up during each play and how far you could get in the game. Shout-out to my readers: what is the highest level you've ever gotten to in Galaga? My own personal best would have to be the upper teens-to-low-20s, but it's been many years since I've reached such heights. There's nothing like a simplistic, addictive game, particularly from the shooter genre, that you can return to time and time again, regardless of new consoles, innovations in gaming, what-have-you, and have it still be as fun as it was when you were a kid. For me, Galaga is one of the few games that can still do this on the NES, I wouldn't rank it above any of the bonafide, NES-born classics like Castlevania and Mega Man, but it holds a special place in my heart for its reliability and fun. Galaga... will you marry me?

A+

#245 - Galactic Crusader

Quality home entertainment that's in no way lacking the Nintendo Seal of Quality... oh wait.

The colors really stand out, as does the feeling of being in space. None of that matters when you're playing the game, though.

If the opening screen is to be believed, a witch has ensnared the galaxy and you, as a butterfly, are the only creature that can stop her. Oh Sachen, you crazy devils, what will you think of next? But seriously, Galactic Crusader is a vertical shmup, you do play as a butterfly that shoots pellets, but most importantly, it's a Star Force clone. The latter could be a very good thing, but here it is a very, very, very not-so-good thing. I've been a champion of Sachen in the past, but this game has two debilitating flaws that prevent it from having what it takes to be a Sachampion: 1) the enemies don't have any particular patterns. Clusters of them will move clockwise, counter-clockwise, squiggly, straight, and all of the above within the same cluster. This is important because in almost every shooter (in most games, one could argue), vertical or horizontal, enemies follow patterns. This allows you to learn the pattern and in theory, become better at the game over time. Galactic Crusader offers no such luxury. 2) it is better to avoid some enemies altogether, especially since there is no point structure. The reason for the latter is because, when some of the enemies explode, shrapnel shoots out of their body so fast that it's impossible to move out of the way. This ends up weakening or killing you very quickly. It's a shame because Galactic Crusader isn't unplayable. It controls well, looks decent, in that homemade Sachen way, and the power-ups are good, if not worthless at times. Why waste time playing a half-hearted clone when you could play the real thing, though? Star Force awaits.

D

#244 - G.I. Joe: The Atlantis Factor

Remember kids, whenever you're firing a sniper rifle, make sure to yell and shoot with no regard for anything.

I'd be freaked out if I saw this lobster creature staring me down. Better kill it.

"If it ain't broke, then don't touch it because you'll probably end up breaking it!" I'm pretty sure one of my well-meaning relatives uttered something similar to it at one point or another during my youth. At any rate, it very much applies to this sequel to the well-received-by-me G.I. Joe. There's nothing wrong with The Atlantis Factor, except for where the developer KID messed with the formula. First off, they shouldn't have removed the ability to play as three different Joe members right away. Instead they add characters as you progress through the game. This would be alright, but when the game is as difficult as it is, one can quickly grow weary of the many deaths you'll incur at the hands of Cobra. Having a variety of members at your disposal, as in the first game, would lighten the load significantly. Also, weapon upgrades return, but you have to manage them more effectively. As you kill enemies, they release power upgrades that bounce wildly. You must get them all and upgrade your guns as soon as possible, and once one character's gun is upgraded, it would behoove you to switch to another character and upgrade their weapon. If you don't manage this properly, you will lose several boss battles. It's a shame because The Atlantis Factor is a decent follow-up, save for these annoying quirks that quickly drag down the game.

C

#243 - G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero

Round about that time, old man Dickerson got his laser cannon and started blasting people for no reason at all.

Large bosses - especially vehicles - are what's on your plate. Better eat up.

As opposed to a "fake" American hero? Would that be someone like Nixon, who at first appeared to be a good president, but then... well, you know? Anyways, G.I. Joe is the stuff NES action games are made of. Not only does Contra'sghost loom large in the "non-stop action" territory, but the game adds to Contra's formula by allowing you multiple characters a la Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. All your Joe buddies are here: Blizzard, Snake Eyes, Rock and Roll, etc. Build a team by selecting two additional characters (additional to Duke, of course – did you think he wasn'tcoming?) and you're on your way to defeating the Cobras. Each person of your squad has different abilities, so be sure to mix and match wisely. My personal team was Duke, Snake Eyes, and Captain Grid Iron: two beefy shoot-em-up characters, and one stealthy, high-jumping ninja. As you progress, power-ups will emerge from fallen enemies, like power upgrades to your weapon, health, etc. Each member of your squad counts as a life, so if someone's getting low, be sure to switch 'em out before they die. One thing: much like life in Detroit and other urban ghetto areas, this game gets really hard, really fast. Should you beat the game once, a second quest will emerge where you can only take one team member with you. Beat the game again and a third and final quest will appear. In order to get the true ending, you must beat this final quest where you take double the damage, weapon and health replenishments are scarce and enemies take less damage. America isn't fooling around. They need real men (and possibly women) to play this game. Are you up to the challenge?

B+

#242 - Fun House

Fun House was released in January 1991. Four months later, the game show upon which it was based was cancelled.

Sadly, this is not a candy factory, but an elaborate death trap for children of all ages.

And so, children, our time with the letter 'F' comes to an end with the inappropriately named Fun House. Fun House is apparently based off of a late '80s kids game show that I never watched when I was a child, and I watched everythingfrom about '89 to '95. My poor television watching habits aside, Fun Houseis an incredibly simplistic game, disguised as difficult due to its abominable control scheme. There are six levels per section of the "Fun House" and twelve sections to the actual "Fun House." The goal to each level is to throw a red ball at some golden circular objects to make them explode. Sometimes they're numbered, sometimes they're not, but once you've destroyed them all, you get a key and the stage is over. The further into the "Fun House" you get, the crazier the obstacles become: arrow tiles, ice patches, blobular things that push you away from where you're trying to go. Interestingly, none of this would be difficult, if your controls weren't programmed by some elementary school dropout. The "D" pad is only used to turn you, while "A" actually moves you forward. Since the game employs a top-down view, I can understand the need for non-conventional controls, but for crying out helen, I never got used to it. DO NOT TRY TO FIX SOMETHING THAT ISN'T BROKEN HI-TECH EXPRESSIONS. Thankfully, the game's easy enough in its own right but that's no reason for you to play this poor rendition of a game show that no one – not even someone who ingested insane amounts of TV – remembers or cares about.

F