#274 - Gun.Smoke

Capcom's riding off into the sunset with a trough full of dollars and my utmost respect.

She may not be the purdiest game on the block, but her heart is pure.

Perhaps I'm just happy to play some good games after so many mediocre to crappy ones, or perhaps I'm just getting older and violent action games really take away from the emotional weight of life, but playing Gun.Smoke after Guerilla War – two shoot-em-all-and-let-God-sort-em-out games – really brightens my day. It's been rare in this quest for me to find one classic NES game I've never heard of, let alone two in a row from similar genres. Gun.Smoke delightfully bucks that trend, no thanks to Capcom's brilliant, simplistic game design. Who knew a vertically-scrolling shmup could work set in the Old West?

The goal of each level in Gun.Smoke is to take down the head bandit of a particular area. In the first level – the aptly named Town of Hicksville – you have to take down Bandit Bill, but first you must annihilate a wide variety of minions. Snipers shoot down from second-story windows, massive goons throw sticks of dynamite at you, and this is just the beginning. Outside of a couple helpful merchants who will offer you weapons or other items (getting a horse will allow you to move faster and take extra damage), the entire Old West is against you. Lives are scarce and the game is one-hit kill approved. If you're a veteran of schmups, though, the game won't seem hard until the last couple levels when stuff gets real and you start fighting ninjas (seriously). No Capcom or schmup fan should be without this game. My only real complaint – especially after the vastness of Guerilla War – is that the game's too short. Six levels? The Old West was way bigger than that. No need for me to nitpick, though, especially when life could be a lot worse. Gun.Smoke is aces.

A-

#273 - Gumshoe

Godzilla really doesn't want you to get Jennifer back. Apparently, they went out once and she never called him back.

Return the diamonds to South Africa lest Congo Jack come and tear you a new gumshoe.

A quick confession: I'm playing all of these Zapper games with my computer mouse. I'm not sure it makes any of these games easier, per say, but I'll venture a guess that it does make them more responsive. I don't think a twenty-five-year-old Zapper is the right apparatus to play some of these quick-on-the-draw games, like our friend Gumshoehere. I've never "shot" up a screen as much as I've done with Gumshoe and I can't imagine the Zapper registering on the screen like it should. Shame, as I'd much rather play the "authentic" way, but using the mouse is a much more efficient and competent way to complete my task. Besides, it's my NES blog and I'll shoot like I want to.

Gumshoe is how a Zapper game should be done. Yes, all you do is shoot the screen, but instead of merely taking down bad guys and avoiding good guys, you accompany a bumbling detective on his quest to collect diamonds. The diamonds are for the evil mastermind, King Dom (::sigh::...), as Mr. Dom has kidnapped the detective's daughter. Instead of moving the detective along with the D-pad Gumshoetakes control of him for you. All you have to do is shoot the detective to make him jump: jump towards balloons which give you ammo, jump over or under enemies, jump over large holes. Gumshoewill make you jump jump. It's much more complicated than one might think, though, as you have to time your shots/jumps properly. Some areas within each of the four levels really throw everything at you all at once, including exploding skull blocks, flying hammers, goofy birds. Another confession: I never got past the first level, but that didn't stop me from trying over and over again. Despite the game's difficulty, Gumshoe is as addicting as any Zapper game I've ever played, and dare I say, just a well-crafted game in general. Leave it to Nintendo to develop the best games for their kooky peripherals.

B+

#272 - Guerilla War

Richard Karn and Kris Kristofferson take on network television executives.

                                             No peasant's laundry is safe.

Contra, we've had some good times together. You are, as they say in the biz, a "non-stop action thrill ride." No small feat, considering most games' so-called "action" is about as limp as a wet noodle, with all the double entendres that phrase brings with it. Yes, you're a killer... KIIIIING. Unfortunately, you have been dethroned by a game that, until today, I knew nothing about: Guerilla War. I'm sorry, Contra. The memories we've made will last a lifetime, but let's face it, I've been playing you for twenty years. I've memorized your contours, your strengths, and your weak points. I won't say I'm bored, but, well... it's time for me to move on to an even crazier, more over-the-top action game than you yourself; one more erratic and spontaneous, with a real zest for life. I... I hope you understand... ::sheds tear, drops flower on the ground, and leaves abruptly::

My melodramatic goodbye to Contra notwithstanding, Guerilla War is like every good Schwarzenegger and Stallone action film rolled into one insane top-down shooter. As the title implies, you are fighting a guerilla war, but much like Schwarzenegger in "Commando," it's all you, baby (unless you decide to double your pleasure in co-op two-player, which I highly recommend). You are the lone guerilla from your squad who has to take down an entire South American country. Ridiculous and cheesy, but of course. One expects nothing less from SNK, a company who built their very foundation on over-the-top everything (Neo Geo cartridges resemble double-stacked VHS tapes and cost 300 bucks a pop? WHY NOT!). Guerilla Waris most definitely the spiritual predecessor to the much more successful and refined Metal Slugseries. How shall I draw the comparisons? One-hit kills, ridiculous amounts of enemies that threaten to suffocate you at every turn, weapon upgrades that pop up from nowhere, machines you can ride in to do extra damage to both landscapes and enemies, and last but not leastly, saving prisoners. Yes, whoever created Metal Slughad a fond space in their heart for Guerilla War. Another fantastic piece of knowledge: this game is HUGE, as in six-worlds-with-four-levels-a-piece huge; the levels' sizes are nothing to sneeze at either. Hardcore action snobs may think the game weak for including unlimited continues, but I have no idea how you would beat this game without them, even with a buddy along side you. That being said, if you're that much of a masochist, you're more than welcome to see how far you can get without using continues. God speed to you.

Of course I would never actuallyclaim that Guerilla Waris better than Contra. I see both games as NES action classics in their own right. It does confuse me, though, on how much acclaim Contra gets, while Guerilla Warsits in the jungle, waiting for an acknowledgment that never comes. Guerilla War should rightly sit in the pantheon of classic NES games, even if I'm the only reviewer to think so.

A

#271 - The Guardian Legend

                             How can a box look both cool and goofy?

                                        I think you're supposed to go up.

There ain't nothing wrong with genre-splicing, especially when the result is an intriguing, inscrutable mess like Guardian Legend. I played this game without the use of any FAQ, so my review will certainly highlight any and all confusion. The game starts off as an insanely fast-paced vertical shooter. Enemies and general debris are flying at you quicker than your brain has time to register. Best-case scenario: hold down 'A' and hope you don't get hit too much. This is yet another one-life-and-you're-out games that have been gracing my presence lately. Once you take out the boss, you're given some vague backstory about failure and saving the galaxy and such, when suddenly, you're a bikini-clad space warrior searching for... stuff! Yup, the game switches from a shooter to a third-person adventure game. This overhead view was deeply, heavily, massively inspired by The Legend of Zelda. In fact, I could hear Irem (the developer) pitching this to Broderbund (the publisher): "Think of Zelda, but... IN SPACE!" Surprisingly, it works. Right down from the enemies that flicker onto the screen every time you move on the map, to the pause menu also substituting as a map and inventory holder, the game is an excellent space representation of Zelda, with one exception: I had no clue what I was doing. There were several points where I entered a space portal or something that seemed like it was going to move me on to the next area, but it never did. Also, there were times when I'd blast special boxes and symbols of weaponry would be in them, like a boomerang. I never figured out what the point of these were. Despite the obtusity (huzzah for new verbage!) of Guardian Legend, I really enjoyed it. It's a game that borrows from an obvious source, yet the end result is unique and well-crafted. Tis a rarity for the NES era.

B

#270 - Gremlins 2: The New Batch

I miss the Gremlins, but I really don't want them to make a comeback. If that makes any sense.

If I'm not mistaken, Gizmo is about ready to plummet down a ventilation shaft. Bust out your balloon, Gizmo! To safety!

I really hated this game as a kid, but I'm not sure what I was expecting. Granted, "Gremlins 2" was one of my favorite childhood movies, so my incredibly high expectations were probably unmeetable. Or I was just really bad at the game. Yeah, probably the latter. Sunsoft has crafted a straightforward, but challenging overhead platformer where you play as Gizmo and work to stop the Gremlins from taking over the city. Gizmo may be a cute little dickens, but he's also lethal. You start off hucking tomatoes, but you can get weapons upgrades like flaming arrows that allow you to take out the new batch and beyond. You only get one life and three hearts to start, but if you search around, you can find that kindly, creepy Chinese guy and buy additional hearts and lives from him. You do get continues and there is a password system, so despite the difficulty, the game is playable and beatable. It also, more or less, follows the plot of the movie, albeit in a shortened version. Cinematic cutscenes really make you empathize with Gizmo, if only because of his heartbreaking sad faces he gives the camera. Special props go to Sunsoft for the top-notch eight-way controls. Shooting may not be as smooth with the D-pad as with other eight-way directional games like Contra, but I still managed to hit my targets more often than not. Here's one licensed game for the NES that doesn't reek of horse manure. That still doesn't mean you should play it after midnight, though. That's asking for it.

B+

#269 - Greg Norman's Golf Power

It's a four-player game. Judging by the load times, I can imagine the aging process would kill at least 3 of the 4 players involved by the time a game ended.

Hey, it's hard to create a course out of nothing, alright? Can't a Norman get a break?!

Underneath this should-have-been-decent golf game lies troubles, deep, deep troubles. In fact, these troubles are so deep that not even the heartiest, most delicious sand wedge could pluck them from the abyss. For starters, what's with the load times? Every time you hit a shot, a black screen comes up and types out some information about how many yards you have left and what club you need to use. It's seemingly educational at first, but quickly grows tedious after, oh, the third shot you make. Plus, who ever heard of load times on an NES game? Secondly, the power meter is confusing. This isn't saying much, seeing as every NES golf game has a confusing power meter. Still, it makes little sense as to why you charge your power meter to the top, only to let the meter fall back to the beginning. I never quite got the hang of it and it ruined most of the game. There is (apparently) a pretty good design mode where you can create your own golf course, but I didn't try it, frightened by the thought of the load times embedded within that beast of a program. I imagine placing an item on the course, such as a bunker or a tree. The second I drop it, a black screen interrupts to tell me that I have placed a bunker or a tree on the course. Thank you, Greg Norman, for that little slice of obvious!

F

#268 - The Great Waldo Search

                                               Waldo's taunting you. Don't give in.

I can honestly say that I really expected to find Waldo around a bunch of monks and demons. It just makes sense.

Who didn't love a good (or great, even) Waldo search back in the day? The "Where's Waldo" book series was in the vein of "I-Spy," though in my opinion, was the better of the two. I'm not sure which came first, but Waldo gave some personality to the whole spot-the-item-amidst-a-buncha-crap ordeal. Finding him in his blase' red-and-white ensemble on a busy Calcutta street (or alien planet or the American Revolution or wherever) was not always as easy as it seemed. Converting such an exercise to a game? Games have been made from stranger sources, I suppose, but I'll give The Great Waldo Search this: it's the first game that I've beaten in ten minutes or less. Seriously.

This game should not have been made. I'd like to end the review here and encourage you all to discover Waldo Just Ain't Trying Anymorefor yourself. After all, the overall crappy flavor of this game can not be described: it must be sampled, savored, and lived! The game's not even torturous. It's just really bizarre, dull, and short. But enough adjectives. To action!

The gameplay: find Waldo and a scroll in five themed levels. Find Waldo in Arabia! Find Waldo in hell (for realz)! Find Waldo in Waldo Land!... and so on. Now, Waldo was really tiny in the books, making him difficult to find. In this game, he's as large as any other character on the screen. Oftentimes the characters and their environments are colored in such a dull way that Waldo's peppermint apparel shines exceedingly bright. Once you find all five scrolls and all five Waldos – ta dah! - the game's over! Unless you want to play on Expert mode (which does nothing except limit your time to find Waldo) or... well, that's it. Beating it on Expert mode is the only incentive to replay.

This lack of gameplay in and of itself should be offensive enough, but because THQ really wanted to stick it to the consumer, they decided to make each level's music unbearable as well. In 268 games, I have never heard such terrible, off-key, melodically offensive music as this. Yes, I will include a video of gameplay at the bottom so you can all hear for yourselves. The title screen, in particular, bears a faux-hip blatty beat, punctuated by a muffled voice saying "Where's Waldo?" like he's KRS-ONE or some other early-90s rapper. The whole song sounds like the original recording was run over by a car (repeatedly) and then pasted into the cartridge's memory. Seriously bad, but the title screen's composer Jeff Barry took full and complete credit for it. FYI, he's available for any and all weddings and bat mitzvahs. Jeff Berry is available, not Waldo. Waldo's gone missing again. It happens.

F-