#253 - Ghostbusters

                                                       ::sobs uncontrollably::

Make yourself comfortable. The predominant gameplay, believe it or not, is driving.

You know what a Ghostbusters game should be? A side-scrolling action game with, oh, six levels based on scenes from the movie. Each boss battle should be an epic button mash to get them into the proton pack. Bam, your game's done, slap that worthless "Nintendo License" and make a few million. What Ghostbusters for the NES turned out to be, besides another worthless licensed game, is an abomination that ranks among the worst in the NES library. There is no "making the best of a bad situation" here. This is truly terrible, awful, atrocious, and so forth.

Oh, where to begin? You start off in what appears to be a city map, filled with buildings, ghosts that were beamed straight from your dusty 2600, and... that's about it. Each building holds potential ghosts for you to beam into your proton pack. The more ghosts you collect, the more money you make BUT WAIT – in order to do anything, you first have to buy a proton pack and a trap. Yes, these things aren't supplied to you straight away, despite the fact that you're a Ghostbuster. I mean, you're driving the car, what other proof do you need, Annie Potts?! To get to any destination, whether it be the shop, a building with ghosts, or really anywhere, you must drive. Driving is completely unnecessary, tedious and draws out an already long and pointless game. The worst part about driving is that you can – and will often – run out of gas. Should you do this, your trusty Ghostbusters will push the car to the nearest gas station, fill you up, then woops! You're back to the main map and you have to drive wherever you were going all over again. Hope you don't run out of gas again! Eventually, you will have the chance to capture ghosts. You will know where ghosts are by the blinking red buildings on the map. Drive there, lay down the pack, and try and trap all the ghosts. It should be easy, but it's not. Ghosts' movements are erratic and they will do anything to try and get away. It's a crapshoot, exacerbated by the limited amount of time you have to capture them. Should you fail, it's back to the main map so you can drive somewhere else so you can fail to capture them all over again!!!

I never got to Gozer's Tower, the last stage in the game. Apparently, you need to generate enough ectoplasm to "prepare" for Gozer's return. All I know is, you hit 'A' repeatedly to move your four shambling Ghostbusters up several dozen flights of stairs, trying to avoid ghosts and not die. Should you die... you have to start the game all over again. There is no sound explanation for why any developer would want to flagellate a player in the way Ghostbusters does. There is no logic available for how Bits Laboratory decided on the gameplay that eventually became Ghostbusters. Is it true that some mysteries are better left unsolved? Robert Stack seems to think so, and this time, I agree. Let us all treat the NES version of Ghostbusters as an anomaly that has no right to exist, and perhaps, doesn't exist. After all, if a game is relegated to boxes in basements, pawn shops, and other forgotten areas, was it ever anything more than a false memory?

F

#252 - Genghis Khan

"A best seller in Japan," at a time when that declaration meant something. Once again, an awesome cover.

                            The Tatars... they're not as delicious as they sound.

This quote is taken directly from the Genghis Khan instruction manual: "In Koei simulation games, as in real life (!), things do not always go as you expect. If you don't do as well as you hoped for in the beginning, don't give up! The real enjoyment comes from learning how to play the game. Try to understand how each of your commands affects all the factors in the game and use this knowledge to plan ahead.... Eventually, you will find your own way to play, whether it be aggressive, tactical, or diplomatic, and maybe even find out a little about yourself in the process" (italics mine). An observation, followed by a question: Koei saw a market for historical simulation games on 8 and 16-bit systems... and they sold well. Who at Koei had the audacity to ask players to "try to understand" the game? It's the equivalent of saying "Congratulations, we at Koei think you're an idiot! Thank you for spending fifty dollars on a product you may never fully comprehend!" I can only conclude one thing: the people running Koei, both then and now, are mad geniuses who somehow understand the niche market better than almost any other small game company, save Atlus and maybe Natsume.

Anyways, Genghis Khan right? I'm going to take you on a whimsical journey, a la Dragon Warrior. It will be my little way of trying to understand the game with you, the reader. Perhaps together we can make sense of this beast of a game.

5 minutes: Right off the bat, you're asked which scenario you wish to play. Having done my extensive GKresearch, I can say that I desire the "Mongol Scenario," as opposed to the "World Scenario." The latter sounds very intimidating, as you're essentially trying to unify the world, as opposed to simply rising up the ranks in the Mongol Empire. Alright! I've selected Prince Temujin as my character because his stats are the highest. Difficulty level is set at 2 out of 5 because I want to understand and not get destroyed right off the bat. Everything seems in order... oh sweet merciful McGillicuddy, what is this horrendous menu?! I have about 14 options, but I have no idea what I should be doing? Should I go to war, tax my citizens, recruit and train soldiers, work on my countries policies? ::raises fists:: KOEI!!!

10 minutes: Much like every other Koei game, you really need to just jump into this game head first and damn the consequences. My first 3 orders – the only I could give before it wasn't my turn anymore – were as follows: I tried to sign a peace treaty with a country below me for no real reason, and they refused. I then sent a spy to their country to give me some insider information. Perhaps I will want to go to war with them should they conflict with my standards and morals. Finally, I trained some of my soldiers to be even more BA than they already were. Awesome. This game beats the pants off of Gemfirealready.

20 minutes: After much deliberation, I have decided to attack the Tartar people to the South. Why?! Because they paid me little respect in our treaty negotiations, and because my spy has yet to come back, so I presumed they killed him. I have thirty days to enslave their country. Sadly, their stats seem to indicate that they are stronger than me, although I had no way of knowing this until I engaged them in battle (curse that captured spy!). We shall see how this skirmish turns out. The Mongol people are a swarthy bunch. Perhaps we can take them down, regardless of number.

30 minutes: Oh yeah, we were slaughtered. It was closer than I expected it to be, though. If it wasn't for that large group of 24 soldiers literally making waste of my smaller clumps of 10 and 12 soldiers, I think I would have been in the clear. Most importantly, this is the most fun I've had with a Koei game, although I'm not a huge fan of the battle interface. It definitely feels more designed for a mouse than a chunky D-pad. Still, one can work around it if they're so inclined. As with all Koei games, relinquish large chunks of time or do not expect to get much enjoyment out of them. They were made for people who relish patience, history, and NES simulations, which apparently, are a larger group than I would have ever known. Any of you readers Koei simulation buffs? Drop me a comment and give me some of your favorite Koei memories.

Despite my appreciation for Khan, I'm looking forward to some mindless fun and simple one-paragraph reviews tomorrow. Please, look forward to it.

B

#251 - Gemfire

                        Gotta hand it to Koei, they always produce quality covers.

        C'mon, which scenario are you going to play? Don't they all look enticing?

I am awful at strategy games, which means that Koei games and I rarely get along. Quite frankly, I'm surprised Koei's still going as a developer. If it weren't for the continued success/milking of the Dynasty Warriors series, I can't imagine they'd still be around. Who – who, I ask you! - purchased all of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms games? Or Aerobiz? Yes, I'm essentially retreading the opening paragraph of my Bandit Kings of Ancient China review, but let's face it: it takes a special kind of gamer to embrace all of the depth and trial and error that Koei games have to offer. I will question Koei's appeal until I get answers, confound it! Answers! As for me and mine, I prefer no-nonsense, button-mashing action that 95% of all NES games provide me. Still, it is my sworn duty to try and review every game in the American NES library. If play a Koei game I must, then play a Koei game I will; even if I have no idea what's going on.

Let's start with the story, shall we? In a severe break away from their typical Historical Chinese Warfare Simulations, Koei brings us a fantastical tale of a crown with seven gems. These seven gems have been scattered across the fictional land of Ishmeria, with each gem containing a magical guardian, six wizards, and a dragon (those are some large gems!). Six gems have attached themselves to six different families across the land, for some reason. Only one family can rule Ishmeria, so it's up to you to align yourself with the strongest family, take out the other five families, get those gems for yourself, and begin a bloody, tyrannical reign!

My sweet heavens, is there ever a lot to do in this game. It's been twenty years since this game's initial release and the amount of information crammed into this game is still intimidating. There are four different scenarios in which to play out. To beat the game – to the best of my knowledge – you must defeat all four scenarios. Each scenario requires you to choose a different family to side with. Different families can be easier or harder to play with, depending upon the amount of gems, and thus power, that they already have. In each scenario, there are four different paths to choose, meaning that there are ultimately sixteen ways to play the game. Ridiculous, overwhelming, Koei! When you begin a scenario, you can choose to battle, build up or trade your resources, develop land, ally, negotiate, sabotage, or plunder opposing families, among many other options.

This might be a good game for Koei and strategy fans. What else on the NES, other than maybe some RPGs and other Koei games, offers this much content to wile away your days? Unlike Bandit Kings of Ancient China, however, which eased you into the game, Gemfirethrows you into the fray, hoping you have some clue as to what you're doing. Even a detailed reading of the instruction manual did little to assuage my confusion. That, friends, is poor game making and likely a reason for why Koei games didn't find more of an audience. Unless you have mountains of time and an inclination for old strategy games, I highly recommend leaving the gems alone in the land of Ishmeria. Let the families kill each other fighting over the gems, and the fire that they apparently leave in their wake. You have better things to do.

D

#250 - Gauntlet II

  Thor confused at what he doing battling with three dorks less powerful than he.

                             1982... that was a good year. Mind the ghosts.

Perhaps I picked the wrong character this time? Perhaps the gameplay just didn't hold up over a rushed sequel? Either way, Gauntlet IItakes everything that was pure and wonderful about the original, and promptly squishes it under The Warrior's blood-soaked heel. From the first level onward, something just feels a bit off. The graphics are more colorful, sure, and the controls haven't changed, but the lack of music and addition of grainy voice samples really destroy any sort of moody atmosphere that the first one cultivated. Worse yet are the "power-ups" that seem to be more of a hindrance than a help. The "transportation" one is the biggest offender. Going through walls seems like a cool idea to help you avoid enemies, but it also prevents you from collecting other items, like treasures and HEALTH, for crying out loud! The levels also don't seem as well-made. They're larger, less interesting, and not nearly as challenging (although there are more of them – 100 levels, to be precise). Perhaps the reason for the levels being larger is that, with this sequel, four-player support has finally been added. I'd imagine it's the best way to play the game. Playing by myself, I experienced nothing but sorrow, emptiness, and a real rage dump for the newer features. KHAN!!!!

D+

#249 - Gauntlet

                     I really want to know what Beefcake McGee is pointing at.

                                   Worst screenshot ever? Quite possibly.

Gauntletis not a game for those who just want to leisurely throw on some Benny Goodman and settle back into a leather couch with a glass of wine. Even in the initial levels, the game can be merciless with the waves and waves of regenerating enemies. Gauntletis a game for those who desire great challenge amidst overwhelming odds. You get your choice of stereotypical character: archer, barbarian, wizard, and half-naked chick. Each has different attributes that lend themselves well to the fray. I chose the half-naked chick, not because she was half-naked, but because she was the most well-rounded of the four... I know, I know, but it's true. There are 30 levels at your disposal. Your life bar slowly whittles down over the entire game and can only be replenished through meat pies and such. Destroy all the enemies, navigate the sometimes puzz-tacular environments, and get as much loot as you can. There's no real point to the loot, but it makes a cool chime noise when you pick it up that's incredibly satisfying. If I were you and you were me, I'd bring a friend along for the ride. It's a shame the game's only equipped for one extra player ( I believe the original arcade was four players, which makes sense given the character selection), but at least they give you that much. Should you desire to actually beat the game, a friend is required, unless you just want to enter passwords over and over again. In other words, unless you're crazy and have no friends.

B

#248 - Gargoyle's Quest II

Firebrand, your head is much too large for your squatty body. Also, Capcom thinks mighty highly of themselves.

Remember that show "Gargoyles"? Could Jonathan Frakes do any wrong back in the day?

I've always found it odd for game developers to begin a series on one console, then bring the sequel to a completely different console; even in the early 90s when there weren't well-established "rules." What if the audience didn't follow from one console to the next? Gamers were younger and thus poorer then, and couldn't be expected to shell out money just at the drop of Capcom's whimsical hat! What am I blathering on about, you ask? Gargoyle's Quest was a top-down action game with lite RPG elements for the Game Boy. Gargoyle's Quest II is obviously on the NES, otherwise I wouldn't be reviewing it. I just think it's odd that Capcom would move the series over to the NES, in what I'm asssuming was an attempt to increase the series' popularity and get more money...? I could speculate all day, but why waste everyone's time? To the review!

The Gargoyle's Quest series, beginning with the original Game Boy game and ending with Demon's Crest, was a spin-off from Ghosts and Goblins starring the lovable crag-mouthed demon, Firebrand. Gargoyle's Quest II, like its predecessor, is a sometimes top-down, sometimes side-scrolling affair that hinges on your ability to precisely maneuver Firebrand. If you can't make him float as precisely and as accurately as he needs to; if you can't make him latch on to the side of platforms, he will fall and likely take damage or straight up die. This game, like Ghosts and Goblins, takes little pity on those who desire a straightforward gaming experience. What seems like a relatively simple exercise – float from platform to platform – actually takes great skill in timing. If you can handle this, you can handle the entire game.

I'd like to say that Gargoyle's Quest II is a fun and fulfilling experience, but it lacks any sort of variety that would have increased its replayability. It's certainly enjoyable while you're playing and you can tell from the overall polish of the game that Capcom took great relish in updating its spin-off series from gray-and-green to hifi color. Still, I was expecting something more than a series of timing exercises. Let's call it, "heart."

B-

UPDATE! FINALLY!

Hello all.

Sorry an update has taken so long. I've been in the throes of a long and deep illness. I can't remember the last time something's kicked my butt this bad. It's made it quite difficult for me to write or focus for extended periods of time, so unfortunately, this blog has been put on hold for... I'm not sure how long. Until I'm able to start focusing and stop having a fever. How's that?!

Anyways, apologies. Please re-read the old reviews or discover them for the first time. Better yet, play some of these games and drop me some comments, letting me know what you think.

Until then...