#184 - Donkey Kong Jr. Math

                            The word "Education" should be in quotation marks.

This is the game that no one asked for. Even Donkey Kong Jr.'s albino brother wants no part of the insanity.

Is Donkey Kong Jr Math one of the most useless games in existence? It's a math game that treats you like you're an idiot; unless you and a friend play two-player moder, in which case it's a tedious exercise in vine climbing and number arranging. As you'd expect, the game has you as DK Jr "solving" math problems, except you don't really solve them. You push a lock up a vine and a bird solves them for you. The latter is the mode "Math Exercise" and it really is as simple and stupid as it sounds. The other mode of the game, "Calculate A +B" requires you to have a friend handy. Big Poppa Donkey Kong is holding a number at the top of the screen, and you are required (by law) to climb vines where the numbers 1-9 dangle precariously. Collect two numbers then add/multiply/subtract/divide the numbers together until you reach the number that Donkey Kong holds. Win five times against your opponent and you win the "game." It challenges my sanity and my patience. Why did Nintendo think this was a good idea for a game? For the love of all things sacred and true, Donkey Kong Jr. Mathwas one of the launch titles! Granted, it was surrounded by a number of mostly decent games (sans sports titles). Still, no one deserved this humble pie in the Christmas of '85. Pass up this game at every opportunity. If some vengeful retro gamer throws it at you, just throw it right back

F

#183 - Donkey Kong Jr.

                                 That banana is ripe for the taking... ::sigh::

      Perhaps the trickiest and most enjoyable level (especially if played on hard mode)

Like all good sequels, Donkey Kong Jr improved on the formula of the original. In a brilliant twist, Jumpman/Mario, the protagonist of the first game is now the evil zookeeper villain and you have to play as Donkey Kong's son to release him. They don't even make stories that interesting in the mainline Mario games anymore (with the exception of the Mario & Luigi series for DS). The level design is more varied, albeit still relatively simplistic. There's just more going on in Donkey Kong Jr: more moving platforms, more enemies, and each stage demands that you move at a faster pace. Get to level 4 and tell me that stage, with the electric enemies that circle around the platforms, didn't inspire future Mario Bros. platforming segments! The character Donkey Kong Jr has incredibly cute features. I love how his upper lip curls up over his mouth as he holds on to a single vine, or how he smiles, almost drunkenly, as he ascends two vines. When he dies, his eyes grow wide and he cries. He feels like a fully-formed character, simply through these detailed animations, and it's easier to sympathize with him than Jumpman.

A couple niggling points remain, though. While it's nice that this game is a direct port of the arcade, there are still only four levels to play. Granted, they repeat endlessly and you can play them on hard mode, but unless you adore these stages and want to have little Donkey Kong babies of your own, the game grows tiresome. Also, Donkey Kong Jr shouldn't die if he falls a mere two inches. It was ridiculous when I was a kid and it's ludicrous now. Still, I wouldn't want Miyamoto to pull a Lucas and re-vamp his old games. They stand as testaments to a simpler era and they should remain the way they were made, flaws and all. Donkey Kong Jr may not be as influential as the first entry, but it's the better of the two.

B

#182 - Donkey Kong

I think it's kinda lame that Nintendo put an image of Mario circa Mario Bros. 1, as opposed to the original Jumpman image featured below. Other than that, it's classic black-box, baby.

Yeah, that's the gangsta I know and love, holdin' a hammer like it's 1985 or some sh** (thanks to donkeykongmuseum.com for the gif)

                                  This is my favorite level in the original.

I don't know if one can overestimate the impact the original Donkey Kong has had on games. Here's a few facts that most everybody already knows:

• Donkey Kong introduced Mario (known at the time as "Jumpman"), Donkey Kong, and the concept of saving a woman to video games. While Pauline is not Princess Toadstool, Daisy or Peach, she is definitely the prototype for the ladies that would later get rescued by Mario.

• Donkey Kong essentially created the platform genre, albeit in a very simplistic form. The original arcade game consisted of four entirely different levels, and involved avoiding or destroying enemies with a hammer, collecting items like hats and umbrellas for points, and going from one end of the stage to the other.

• Donkey Kong was Miyamoto's third game with Nintendo (the first two were Sheriff and Radar Scope and it was hugely successful in Japan and America.

• The success of Donkey Kong (the game made $280 million in two years... in early 1980's money) arguably paved the way for the release of the Famicom and the Nintendo Entertainment System.

So yeah, without Donkey Kong, Mario, platformers, and the console gaming scene as we know it today may have been postponed. I won't say these things would have never happened, as I believe it would have been inevitable, but the release and success of Donkey Kongmade them happen faster.

The game itself is still fun today, although it is very much a product of its time. Jumpman jumps and climbs and maneuvers his way around three very small levels (for whatever reason, the NES release omitted the cement factory level from the arcade game) to reach Pauline at the top. Once you beat these levels – and if you're any sort of gamer, they should only take you about five minutes – you play them again and again and again, with the momentum of the enemies increasing each playthrough. Despite Donkey Kongbeing one of the first examples of a platformer, its identity is still very much tied into the point system of late 70s, early 80s arcade games. The point is to, well, get points, not to reach the end of the game. The problem that I think Donkey Konghas now – and I think Nintendo tried to address by releasing Donkey Kong '94- is that it feels stuck in limbo between a platformer and a points-based game, and it doesn't really succeed well at one or the other. This is not to say that I think the game is bad or that its impact is lessened by this fact. Donkey Kongwas treading new ground and Miyamoto was ahead of his time by trying to throw an honest-to-God story in the game. But playing it thirty years (!) since its release in the arcades, it's very obvious that it's suffering from an identity crisis. Does Donkey Kongwant to be this new adventure-type game that's never been done before or does it want to uphold to the tried-and-true points based method of progression? Let me know in the comments section if you think I'm overstating this or if you think there's merit to my madness.

I'm grateful for the existence of Donkey Kong even if I don't feel that it has aged well. It put Nintendo on the map, and without Nintendo, many of my and millions of others' greatest gaming memories would not have been created. For that, I can only give the maddest of props.

Impact: A+

Actual game: B-

One of my favorite game sound effects of all time is Jumpman when he walks. Priceless.

#181 - Dizzy the Adventurer

Apparently, Dizzy came with this deck enhancer. This appears to be a 32X-like enhancement for the NES. It was definitely illegal, I'm sure. How come I've never heard of this???

I know this screenshot looks like everything that's wrong with the world, but trust me, the game is simple fun!

I'm not sure I've ever hated the main character of a game, but still liked the game itself. Dizzy the Adventurer breaks new ground for me, then. I can not stand the main character, Dizzy the Egg. It's not the fact that he's an egg that bothers me, but he's a snooty, pretentious egg who thinks he can solve everyone's problems. A jester needs something to juggle? "Don't worry, I'm on it!" he says. A lion has something in his paw? "Leave it to me!" You're an egg wearing an Indiana Jones fedora! Get over yourself! To add insult to injury, he also puts down his friends. In one part of the game, Dizzy berates one of his egg friends, Denzil (??) for using the words "awesome" and "most excellent." "Uh yeah, whatever Denzil," are his exact words, I believe. What kind of hero is this? A self-involved, narcissistic egg with delusions of grandeur and a messiah complex? Codemasters, you crazy!

Dizzy has a decent game to back up his mental problems, though. The goal is to save his girlfriend Daisy from an evil wizard who has her trapped in his castle. Dizzy must collect items he finds around him and use them at the appropriate place. Found a pickaxe? Go destroy that boulder blocking the entrance to the cave. Found a gold doubloon? Give it to the ferryman after your cross the river; otherwise, he won't let you pass. The title of the game is accurate: Dizzy is an "adventurer," not an action hero; even if you wanted to punch creatures, you have no attack. In order to progress, you must pay attention to your surroundings. It's not always apparent what you do with certain items (like the mushroom in the beginning), but be patient and the items' use will reveal itself eventually.

The only real issue I have with Dizzy is his ability to roll all over the place. I understand he's an egg, but sometimes when you jump, you begin to roll and roll and roll immediately when you land. This becomes detrimental when you have to jump onto a moving platform over water, and the water can kill you instantly. Other than that, Dizzy the Adventurer is one solid adventure game, and a solid respite from the past couple days of crap. If you can get around the fact that you're controlling a selfish butthole of an egg*, there's much to enjoy.

B

*I would have loved to see some gruesome Dizzy death scenes. What if I fell off of a high cliff and landed on a boulder? BAM! "Dizzy's insides have been laid to waste due to your carelessness," the game would have said. The last image you would see is Dizzy split in half, his yolk running down onto the boulder, and birds eating his insides. That would be incredibly satisfying.

#180 - Dirty Harry

                       Hugh Jackman stars as Wolverine in "Dirty Harry."

So this is how it ends... in some dilapidated room, with Dick Tracy inspired furniture.

It's been said that "Winners Don't Use Drugs." Harry Callahan is, by his own reckoning, a one-man war against drugs. So what would Dirty Harry say about his game, a horribly controlled wreck that looks, plays, and sounds like it was made by drug abusers? My hope would be for Clint Eastwood to go all "Dead Pool" on these punk programmers, but Clint's a director now and he's turned all pseudo-spiritual in his old age so I think the folks at Gray Matter are safe.

There are two things I've never understood about a large portion of crappy games: they can never assign jumping to the "A" button and they are so proud of their abomination, they list their names in the opening credits instead of after the end of the game. If Capcom and other Japanese developers can make brilliant games like Mega Man and Sonic, only to hide their real identities behind pseudonyms that are only revealed in the end credits, there's no reason small companies like Gray Matter should be proud of their crap. And who was hustling for a Dirty Harry game in 1990? "The Dead Pool" was the final Dirty Harry movie and it was released in 1988, but it wasn't nearly as popular as its predecessors. Winning that particular film license in the '90s is like winning the lottery the week after someone's won the $320 million jackpot. A fake meeting between Gray Matter executives: "Alright, LJN just got the rights to Beetlejuice, The Addams Family, X-Men. Sunsoft got the rights to Batman. What's left?" One slick-haired exec raises his hand and says, "Did anyone see "The Dead Pool?" Dirty Harry's coming back, people, and we gotta snatch up the license before any of these hotshot companies do." High fives and cheap turkey sandwiches were had in celebration.

Dirty Harry is about killing the bad guys and going to the next level, but you wouldn't know it from the way Harry plays. "A" and "B" together is jump, for starters, which is an automatic letter downgrade for me. This is not difficult, people. If you've ever played one Nintendo game in your life, then you should know that "A" is always jump. ALWAYS AND FOREVER! But let's forgo Harry's jumping problem. Harry has two abilities, punching and shooting. Shooting is, of course, the preferred method as you don't have to get too close to the constantly regenerating waves of thugs. Unfortunately, you have a limited supply of bullets, so your fists better be ready to do some talkin'. Unless you hit the thugs at precisely the right angle, they will always hit you or shoot you or drop a net on you (for serious). It's easier just to avoid them if you can. When you press Start, you see that Harry has a lot of items to choose from in his inventory, but only if you collect them on your way. Entering buildings and smashing open dressers and drawers with your kicks (which happen by pressing "Up" and "A" – the epitome of convenience!) was the only way to collect said items and they were only necessary at brief moments. Also, for a game that's all about killing, there was a lot of exploring that led to nowhere. Try to avoid the exploring portions if you can and just move forward. Or you could just turn the game off. No one would judge you for that.

F

#179 - Digger T. Rock: The Legend of the Lost City

I think I hear Randy Newman singing the theme song for this in the background.

You can hit that wall with your shovel all you like, Digger, it's not going anywhere.

Sometimes simplicity is best. Instead of calling this game Digger T. Rock: How Digger Got His Groove Back and Legended the Lost City's Face In Like a Boss, Rare should have titled it Digger. Bam! The name has the same meaning sans needless subtitle. Seriously, does the subtitle make the game sound any more appealing? It shouldn't and perhaps that's the point. This game is on the bad side of mediocre. Your protagonist is a young archaeologist armed only with a shovel and a few knick-knacks he finds in the levels/caves he explore, like dynamite, rope ladder, and gems. All of the aforementioned items are useful to furthering one's progress, but it's hard to care when exploring the caves themselves is boring and tedious. Who likes shoveling through layers of brick for no reason? Who likes falling two feet and losing half their life (this isn't Donkey Kong here, c'mon)? Who likes having wave after wave of mosquitos and moles attack you when all you have is your shovel to bat them away? I can't tell if Rare wanted to make an action/puzzle hybrid or just a stupid game with a stupid protagonist. Sadly, it wouldn't be the last timeRare would indulge in this tripe. The premise – exploring underground caverns in order to find a lost city – is interesting. The execution – young adventurer tries to find a lost city, but can't make it a few yards without hurting himself – is painful.

D

#178 - Dig Dug II: Trouble in Paradise

                                              Drill, Dig Dug! Drill like a boss!

 Pretty much every level looks like this, which means gameplay gets tedious after awhile

Well, I'll be hornswoggled: the original Dig Dug was never released on the NES in America, at least according to GameFAQS. For those who have never heard of the series, the original has you playing a devil-may-care exterminator who has to "dig" through layers of gritty sand to blow-up your enemies. Seriously, you attach a pump to them, fill them full of air and they explode like balloons. It's fantastic and twisted, and like all arcade classics, the farther you go, the more enemies they throw at you and the faster you have to be with your mad pumpin' skillz. Dig Dug IIshovels out the concept of digging underground, and throws you onto islands (hence the "Paradise"), which as you may know, are very much above ground. There are carefully placed holes around the island and you can drill into them to break off sections of the island and hopefully take some enemies down. The more enemies you kill via your island-decimating ways, the more points you get and the more accomplished you feel as an exterminator and probably as a man. However, if you want to preserve the islands for future generations, you can still bust out your trusty old pump and blow up your enemies, like your exterminator forefathers did. I dunno. The new island settings are interesting for awhile, but 72 levels worth is slight overkill. The strategy involved with avoiding enemies while trying to take off chunks of the island is interesting, but almost feels too involved for a game as simple as Dig Dug; especially when you still have the option to blow up your enemies, like in the first game. Not bad, but I'd recommend the original tried and true Dig Dug before this one.

B-