#180 - Dirty Harry

                       Hugh Jackman stars as Wolverine in "Dirty Harry."

So this is how it ends... in some dilapidated room, with Dick Tracy inspired furniture.

It's been said that "Winners Don't Use Drugs." Harry Callahan is, by his own reckoning, a one-man war against drugs. So what would Dirty Harry say about his game, a horribly controlled wreck that looks, plays, and sounds like it was made by drug abusers? My hope would be for Clint Eastwood to go all "Dead Pool" on these punk programmers, but Clint's a director now and he's turned all pseudo-spiritual in his old age so I think the folks at Gray Matter are safe.

There are two things I've never understood about a large portion of crappy games: they can never assign jumping to the "A" button and they are so proud of their abomination, they list their names in the opening credits instead of after the end of the game. If Capcom and other Japanese developers can make brilliant games like Mega Man and Sonic, only to hide their real identities behind pseudonyms that are only revealed in the end credits, there's no reason small companies like Gray Matter should be proud of their crap. And who was hustling for a Dirty Harry game in 1990? "The Dead Pool" was the final Dirty Harry movie and it was released in 1988, but it wasn't nearly as popular as its predecessors. Winning that particular film license in the '90s is like winning the lottery the week after someone's won the $320 million jackpot. A fake meeting between Gray Matter executives: "Alright, LJN just got the rights to Beetlejuice, The Addams Family, X-Men. Sunsoft got the rights to Batman. What's left?" One slick-haired exec raises his hand and says, "Did anyone see "The Dead Pool?" Dirty Harry's coming back, people, and we gotta snatch up the license before any of these hotshot companies do." High fives and cheap turkey sandwiches were had in celebration.

Dirty Harry is about killing the bad guys and going to the next level, but you wouldn't know it from the way Harry plays. "A" and "B" together is jump, for starters, which is an automatic letter downgrade for me. This is not difficult, people. If you've ever played one Nintendo game in your life, then you should know that "A" is always jump. ALWAYS AND FOREVER! But let's forgo Harry's jumping problem. Harry has two abilities, punching and shooting. Shooting is, of course, the preferred method as you don't have to get too close to the constantly regenerating waves of thugs. Unfortunately, you have a limited supply of bullets, so your fists better be ready to do some talkin'. Unless you hit the thugs at precisely the right angle, they will always hit you or shoot you or drop a net on you (for serious). It's easier just to avoid them if you can. When you press Start, you see that Harry has a lot of items to choose from in his inventory, but only if you collect them on your way. Entering buildings and smashing open dressers and drawers with your kicks (which happen by pressing "Up" and "A" – the epitome of convenience!) was the only way to collect said items and they were only necessary at brief moments. Also, for a game that's all about killing, there was a lot of exploring that led to nowhere. Try to avoid the exploring portions if you can and just move forward. Or you could just turn the game off. No one would judge you for that.

F

#179 - Digger T. Rock: The Legend of the Lost City

I think I hear Randy Newman singing the theme song for this in the background.

You can hit that wall with your shovel all you like, Digger, it's not going anywhere.

Sometimes simplicity is best. Instead of calling this game Digger T. Rock: How Digger Got His Groove Back and Legended the Lost City's Face In Like a Boss, Rare should have titled it Digger. Bam! The name has the same meaning sans needless subtitle. Seriously, does the subtitle make the game sound any more appealing? It shouldn't and perhaps that's the point. This game is on the bad side of mediocre. Your protagonist is a young archaeologist armed only with a shovel and a few knick-knacks he finds in the levels/caves he explore, like dynamite, rope ladder, and gems. All of the aforementioned items are useful to furthering one's progress, but it's hard to care when exploring the caves themselves is boring and tedious. Who likes shoveling through layers of brick for no reason? Who likes falling two feet and losing half their life (this isn't Donkey Kong here, c'mon)? Who likes having wave after wave of mosquitos and moles attack you when all you have is your shovel to bat them away? I can't tell if Rare wanted to make an action/puzzle hybrid or just a stupid game with a stupid protagonist. Sadly, it wouldn't be the last timeRare would indulge in this tripe. The premise – exploring underground caverns in order to find a lost city – is interesting. The execution – young adventurer tries to find a lost city, but can't make it a few yards without hurting himself – is painful.

D

#178 - Dig Dug II: Trouble in Paradise

                                              Drill, Dig Dug! Drill like a boss!

 Pretty much every level looks like this, which means gameplay gets tedious after awhile

Well, I'll be hornswoggled: the original Dig Dug was never released on the NES in America, at least according to GameFAQS. For those who have never heard of the series, the original has you playing a devil-may-care exterminator who has to "dig" through layers of gritty sand to blow-up your enemies. Seriously, you attach a pump to them, fill them full of air and they explode like balloons. It's fantastic and twisted, and like all arcade classics, the farther you go, the more enemies they throw at you and the faster you have to be with your mad pumpin' skillz. Dig Dug IIshovels out the concept of digging underground, and throws you onto islands (hence the "Paradise"), which as you may know, are very much above ground. There are carefully placed holes around the island and you can drill into them to break off sections of the island and hopefully take some enemies down. The more enemies you kill via your island-decimating ways, the more points you get and the more accomplished you feel as an exterminator and probably as a man. However, if you want to preserve the islands for future generations, you can still bust out your trusty old pump and blow up your enemies, like your exterminator forefathers did. I dunno. The new island settings are interesting for awhile, but 72 levels worth is slight overkill. The strategy involved with avoiding enemies while trying to take off chunks of the island is interesting, but almost feels too involved for a game as simple as Dig Dug; especially when you still have the option to blow up your enemies, like in the first game. Not bad, but I'd recommend the original tried and true Dig Dug before this one.

B-

#177 - Die Hard

          "Die Hard or Die Tryin'" is actually the title of 50 Cent's latest masterwork

Thanks go to Vizzed.com for this screenshot. It's not their fault the game slightly resembles blue raspberry poo.

I've never seen the actual movie "Die Hard," so I had little to no information going into this game. Something about bombs and buildings and terrorists, right? Sounds legit. You play as John McClane and your goal (I think) is to save a building from being destroyed because you're played by Bruce Willis and you're awesome and you think the building is pretty awesome too, which is why you want to save it. All 35 levels of the building are at your disposal to explore and get shot at by random polo shirt wearing douchebags. Many of said douchebags ("Bro, this is vintage Fitch, don't get your blood on me!") have keys that allow you access to places where you need to go, but in order to get the keys, you have to kill them. While the bros go down in one hit, they will spew out bullets like the remnants of last night's kegger and you only have one life, so beware. Honestly, there didn't seem to be much to the game. Collect a key here, get shot at there, get annoyed when bullets hit you because your stuff flies everywhere on the screen. Die Hardalso sports some of the worst graphics I've seen in a while. Is John McClane supposed to look like a crippled Lego character? A lot of GameFAQS reviewers like this one because they probably grew up with both the game and the movie. I grew up with neither, but I'm sure the movie's at least mildly entertaining.

D

#176 - Dick Tracy

               Dick Tracy's fever dreams involve purple roads and a polka-dot sky.

                               
                                              4th and B, shee?

Dick Tracy's got nothing on Philip Marlowe, but he is a decent private detective in his own right. He certainly has a more memorable cast of villains than Marlowe and a snazzier wardrobe to boot. Dick's movie was an all-star production, filled with a great cast and terrific art production, while Marlowe's works have had a harder time translating well to the screen (depending on who you ask). As for Dick's self-titled game on the NES, well, it could be a lot worse, but it could also be a lot better depending on what you expect.

In the beginning of the game, you're given one clue for your case and it's up to you to go and find the rest. To do so, you get in your oversized paddywagon and venture out into the streets. The driving portion of the game can be frustrating, as the map is large, and it may take you a while to find the places you need to go. Also, snipers shoot at your car from the roof and it's near impossible to hit them back. Once you enter a building, the game turns into a beat-em-up side-scroller. Clues are often highlighted by the word "Clue" and an arrow pointing directly to the clue, so no real amount of effort or puzzle solving goes into the game, which is a disappointment. You can also interrogate suspects along the way, and once you have all the clues you need, arrest them if it's the right person. The latter portion is probably the most interesting and "detective" like portion of the game.

I admire that Bandai tried to make a full-fledged game with diverse gameplay. Unfortunately, the driving portions can be tedious, thanks to the snipers and lack of direction. The beat-em-up portions are standard and moderately entertaining, but I wish you would have had to search more carefully for clues. All in all, the game isn't a complete loss, and Dick himself shouldn't be too ashamed that it bears his name. A game featuring Marlowe would probably be a slower, more methodical romp filled with puzzles, less action, and more one-liners. Perhaps something more like Deja Vu? That's what I wish Dick Tracy would have been.

C

#175 - Destiny of an Emperor

Believe it or not, the free Mega Man sticker is not the coolest thing about purchasing this game.

                 The battles are faster and just plain better than Final Fantasy.

I felt like I was headed down the barrel of a Koei gun when I glanced at the name of this game. Destiny of an Emperor? More like Destined to Put Me to Sleep! Nothing beats being proved wrong, though, especially when it comes to some of the horrors I've had to face on this quest. Capcom, not Koei, is reponsible for this unique and surprisingly entertaining mix of a traditional RPG with strategic elements. If I can throw down a "phat" hyperbolic beat for a moment, I think Destiny of an Emperor may be one of the most fun games I've yet to play on this quest. I don't "come correct" with high praise very often, so you know I ain't "frontin."

All attempts at sounding like a gangsta from the early 90s aside, Destiny of an Emperor shines like a crazy diamond, no thanks to its remarkable gameplay. While the game is a traditional 8-bit RPG at its core, what with random battles, squatty sprites and the like, the gameplay is like nothing I've ever seen in any NES game. Your party initially consists of three Chinese generals, but as the game progresses, you can recruit other generals. All in all, there are 200 generals to collect, although you can only have 75 of them in your party altogether, and only six in your battling party. Still, this is long before the days of Suikoden or even Pokemon, so I was very impressed by this feature. In the first two towns you find three generals, so the "collecting" begins very early. Certain generals are, obviously, better at fighting, while others are better at Tactics. You should always have one general assigned to be your Tactician. As you level up, your Tactician will learn new tactics for the other generals to use when you battle. Once you enter a battle, one person fights at a time, as per normal, but there is an option called "All-Out" which is basically an all-out brawl. Unlike other RPGs which have useless "Auto Fight" features, "All-Out" is surprisingly useful and can be a quick way to gain experience. Another nice touch: each general's Hit Points is actually the size of their army. To put it another way, when one of your generals – let's say Lui Bei - takes 14 damage, the screen will say that 14 of Lui Bei's men have been killed.

If I had to fault Destiny of an Emperor for anything, it would be how obtuse the direction of the game is at times. It's hard to know whether a general you've recruited is a solid fighter or not until you've taken him out in some battles. This can be tedious, but I highly recommend it. Luckily, you can "fire" generals, so if one guy's not pulling his weight, he's left to fend for himself. Sometimes they'll even come back to fight you, which is awesome! It's also hard to know what items to buy for which general. You especially don't want to buy items for a sucky general if you're just going to kick them out later. These are niggling points that can easily be fixed with an FAQ, though, and besides, what NES RPG wasn'tobtuse at times?

So yeah, I really love this game. The story is essentially Koei-lite and nothing to write home about, but the gameplay will have you glued to your NES for hours at a time. It's a shame Capcom has yet to continue the series because, despite the game's age, it feels very undated and fresh. If you want a one-of-a-kind experience for your NES, you owe it to yourself to play this.

A+

#174 - Destination Earthstar

This is one of those games you get for Christmas as a kid and think is awesome. You spend years trying to conquer it before coming to your senses as an adult and realizing just how horrible it really is.

                     Silly Akklaim, underground bases don't exist in space!

I commented in my review of Defender II that the emptiness of space is captured well in classic games. While I stand by that statement, I should have added an asterisk: all classic games, but one. Destination Earthstar makes space feel boring. Because it's a first-person flight simulator/shooter thing, all you see is dark space in the top half of your screen, along with pixelated stars and the occasional enemy ship. The bottom half of your screen is a mix of important information like the energy of your craft, and less important stats like your "P" meter??? and your SPD-ometer??? Most of the screen readout doesn't make any sense, but the real hoot are the controls. Good luck picking up this baby and knowing exactly what to do. You can enter hyperspace by pressing "Up" and "B," toggle your viewpoint by pressing "Select" and "B." But don't worry, the essentials are the same: "A" is fire and to pause you press... "A" and "B" at the same time?

Alright, in a rare attempt at classic gaming diplomacy, let's give Akklaim the benefit of the doubt. Maybethe controls are a little backward in this game, but no wannabe flight simulator on the NES is going to be easy right? Perhaps the combat and the missions make up for it! On your map (see above screenshot), your enemies are represented by the numbers 1-9 (for difficulty? Not sure), planets are represented by 0, armories by "A," and friendly bases by "B." Your goal is to clear the map of enemies, then enter the enemy base. The game then turns into a ridiculously difficult 2D shooter where you must kill the boss of the enemy base. As I played Destination Earthstar, I decided that it was simply mediocre and a little boring, but nothing too abominable, besides the controls. Then as I was gunning down some enemies in the first-person mode, I ran out of my weapon. It wasn't like I was using any special upgraded weaponry. These were just your run-of-the-mill laser pellets found at the beginning of any space shooter! Needless to say, I died in a fit of frothy rage. Did the game glitch? Was my "perfectly legal" copy messed up? I don't know, but a combination of poor game design, mediocrity, and poor controls leave me cold, much like the shriveled nethers of space. DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THE-

F