#388 - Magic of Scheherazade

I've never understood developers' need to make NES box art look so realistic. They age so poorly.

As opposed to this Famicom cover, which looks awesome and gives a better feel for the game's spirit.

                                          You're knee-deep in adventure now, son!

The Magic of Scheherazademight be one of the best examples of genre-splicing the NES has to offer. It takes equal parts RPG (explore towns! Random battles! Leveling up!) and action (Zelda-esque world maps! Direct combat! Linear progression!), a little bit of tactics (accumulate different partners and up to fifty mercenaries, each with different skills, to battle with you!), and a surprising amount of time-travel (past, present, future, it's all here!). The story is your typical "save the princess from the evil demonic wizard," but the Arabian flavor – rarely used in gaming history, save for the Prince of Persiaseries - renews the age old gaming trope. Battles are great, especially when you learn how to configure different teams against different enemies, but one niggling complaint is that you can't choose which enemy you want to hit directly. This is frustrating when certain enemies are almost dead, and your protagonist or partners hit a different one. The townsfolk, while ignorant and lazy (some towns admit as much about their citizens, although they use the more positive term "carefree"), are surprisingly helpful with their knowledge. Even though it's easy to guess where the game is leading you – defeat this boss, acquire a new partner, etc. - it's a joy getting there. The time-traveling isn't as immersive as, say, Chrono Trigger's, but it's a unique concept that hadn't been used in any NES games up to this point. And the soundtrack! Beautiful, haunting melodies abound at every turn, in particular, the overworld theme which sounds like a mix between Zelda and Mario RPG. Entertaining, unique games like this come along only once in a red moon. Highly recommended.

A-

#387 - Magic Johnson's Fast Break

I've always wondered how one slams and jams at the same time. Teach me, Magic!

This game should have been called Pepsi Presents: Tradewest's Magic Johnson's Fast Break, The Game

"Fast Breakis awesome! It's like a 3-pointer at the buzzer!" This is a quote from the man himself, Magic Johnson, on the back of the box of the game. Was it not enough for Magic Johnson to have his name in the title? Did he also have to endorse it on the back? Did his likely seven-figure deal for Fast Breakrequire him to be so brazenly positive towards it? Well, Mr. Johnson, I've never played a real college/NBA basketball game, so I don't pretend to know what making a 3-point shot at the buzzer feels like. But I'm willing to bet that achieving such a goal during a game was exhilarating for you. Magic Johnson's Fast Break, despite its good intentions, is not exhilarating. It's standard two-on-two basketball, with five difficulty levels, no stats, no player/team options and surprisingly, the inability to play as one Magic Johnson. Instead, Magic's disembodied, smiling head pops up every now and then to tell you you made a great shot or call a foul. Thanks, Magic, for telling me I suck with a smile. The grin makes the pain go down easier! Despite the game's minimalist design and lack of options, it controls and plays adequately and, for more good times, supports up to four players. You and three other people can wonder why Magic Johnson isn't in a game that bears his name and play a perfectly average game of basketball whilst doing so.

C

#386 - Magic Darts

From the makers of Baseball Stars II, comes Magic Darts! Look at them zoom!

                                    Look at what this poor ninja is reduced to.

Well, here's a new one: virtual darts. There's not a whiff of magic on display, unless you count chimps and robots playing darts as magical (it's more curious than magical, but not much surprises me these days). Otherwise, this is straitlaced, generic stuff. You have six different game types to choose from: 301, 501, 701, Count Up, Round the Clock, and Half It. If you've ever played an actual game of darts, you know that the typical 301 (or 501 or 701) game is just throwing darts on the board to reduce your score. The first person to get to zero – exactly zero - wins. Count Up is the opposite: throwing darts on the board to increase your score. Round the Clock requires that you hit 1, then 2, and go around the clock/board until you hit 12. It's incredibly difficult, and unless you believe in the power of magic guiding your dart-filled fingers, skip it. Finally, in Half It, players begin with 40 points. Each player has three chances to hit certain assigned numbers to add to their score, or else the game will split the score in half. There are three meters you must stop before you can throw a dart. The first represents the dart's trajectory, the second represents the pitch of the dart, and the third represents the power. All enthralling stuff, but unless you have a gang of three rowdies and a Multitap, I beg you to reconsider. What are dartboards these days, forty bucks? They might not be magic, but they're real.


D

#385 - The Mafat Conspiracy

                                       This cover is actually quite awesome...

... but check out this cover for the Famicom. I'd hang this on my wall, it's so good.

          Despite the looming danger, Duke feels it's better to keep his hands warm.

Duke Togo a.k.a Golgo 13 returns for more sniping, more shooting, more dungeon-crawling, and even some racing. Yes, all that and freshly-pressed suits in The Mafat Conspiracy, the sequel to the original Golgo-13. Golgo-13had great potential, but, aside from the targeting bits, the game was slow and it was hard for me to get past the clunky controls. The Mafat Conspiracytries to right the wrongs of the original game by making it a bit faster, a bit edgier, and at least in the horizontally-scrolling stages, a lot more like Rolling Thunder. Golgo-13 remains a great character, and it's truly a pleasure to see him rendered well this time. In fact, the graphics, gameplay, and controls are a huge improvement (no more blocky Lego-headed men!). The cutscenes are as wonderful as ever, and saints be praised, if you want, you can actually skip them this time. Like the original game, the 3-D mazes are kind of a nuisance. The NES doesn't have the capabilities for these types of games, in my opinion. It's hard to shoot guys while in this mode (Zapper support seems like a given) and it's easy to get lost, but nothing an FAQ can't handle. Thankfully, the mazes are few and far-between. The driving missions are a race against time. Beware the KGB jerks who will throw bombs at you and try to run you off the road. Those crazy Russians! The Mafat Conspiracy is difficult, but what do you expect from a game that throws everything at you, including, but not limited to, Molotov cocktails, boomerangs, and lascivious women? The second time is the charm, apparently. Keep on snipin', Duke.

B-

#384 - Mad Max

                                                   Mel Gibson, in simpler times...

I wish Mad Max would have just been R.C. Pro-Am in the desert. A rip-off, sure, but anything's better than the alternative.

Max may be mad, but not nearly as much as Mindscape, the developers behind this atrocious piece of garbage. Driving around an abandoned wasteland and blowing stuff up sounds like a blast, until you realize there's absolutely no direction as to where to go. You have a limited amount of fuel, weaponry, and a huge landscape in which to get lost and agitated. Enemies bump right into you, so naturally, you blow them up with dynamite, but you shouldn't. You need dynamite to blow up barriers that blockade your progress, though it doesn't really matter if you don't know where you're going. Here's a PROTIP: find a couple caves in the area. Once there, you're on foot, a wobbly-legged Mad Max racing to find more fuel and dynamite. Some of the items in the cave look as they should, like the dynamite, and others don't. Search everything to make sure you don't miss anything. Eventually, you complete this Road War level (GET IT?! ROAD WARRIOR!) and enter the Arena level, where your entire goal is to just blow up cars. The levels go back and forth like this – Road War, Arena, etc – until the end boss. Enemies easily get in your way, your car is too slow and jerky, the graphics look like dump. Mad Maxmight be one of the most pointless, unnecessary, unfun games I've yet to play on the NES, and – shocker of shockers – it's a licensed title that nobody asked for. Just terrible.

F

#383 - Mach Rider

                           You'se a big, fine, Rider, won't you back that thing up...

                                    Sunset in the desert... TO THE EXTREME!

As ground-breaking as Mach Riderprobably felt in 1985, with its behind-the-cyclist view-point, impressive graphics, and surprisingly fast sense-of-speed, Excitebike- two-dimensional cartoony cycling at its arguable finest - has all but eclipsed Mach Riderin Nintendo aficionado's minds. Still, even though both games were original launch titles, comparing Mach Riderto Excitebikedoesn't feel entirely fair. Yes, both are motorbike games, and yes, both have an option to let you design your own courses, but that's where the comparisons end. There's a sense that Nintendo R&D 2, the developers of Mach Rider, really wanted to test the limits of the then brand new Nintendo. If that is the case, Mach Rideris a success.

Next to Super Mario Bros, out of all the launch games I've played, Mach Riderfeels the most forward-thinking for 1985, both in terms of gameplay and graphics. You control a motorcyclist who can go insanely fast, while shooting other cars and obstacles on the road. Where Mach Riderstumbles is its execution. The game is just too fast for its own good. Unless you're able to see through time and know what oil slicks or rocks or whatever obstacles are coming for you, you are guaranteed to crash time and time again. This isn't a big deal on the Endurance races or the Solo Races, but if you're playing for keeps with the big boys in the Fighting Course, you've got a set number of lives. Shooting at all times isn't recommended, either, as you have a limited amount of bullets. Even with the choppy execution, Mach Rideris fun and shouldn't be overlooked.

So why don't more people recognize Mach Riderfor what it is? Simply put, Excitebikeis the better game. It has an endearing (and enduring) cuteness that completely eclipses Mach Rider's soulless, futuristic landscapes. Excitebikealso bears the hallmarks of the tried-and-true Nintendo classics. It's simple, charming, infinitely replayable. It's a classic. Mach Rideris not. It's second-tier Nintendo, but that's still nothing to be ashamed of.

B

#382 - M.U.S.C.L.E.

                      Ultimate Muscleruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!

                                                  Breakin' necks like it's 1986

M.U.S.C.L.E.stands for Most Unusually Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere. It isn't the most apt description for a wrestling game starring the masked, uh, things from "Ultimate Muscle" but it does make me chuckle to myself. While the character designs are great (Ramen Man! Meat!), the gameplay is little more than button-mashing the same moves into oblivion. 'B' is jump, 'A' is punch, and, as expected, there are a very small amount of moves you can do by combining those two buttons. Your energy bar goes down slowly of its own volition, but if you get hit, it obviously goes down faster. If you hit the opposing wrestler, you regain some health, and the sweaty dance continues. Every ten or fifteen seconds, a glowing orb comes into the ring. Getting the orb will be the key to your success in any match. Your body begins to glow and you unlock a special move that will dominate the other character. It's cheap, yes, but incredibly satisfying when you get it. If you don't get the orb, though, watch out. The computer will wreck shop/clean house/mop the floor with your Most Unusually Small Creature body. The wrestling is fun for a time, especially with two players, but don't come here looking for depth. MUSCLE is all flash, no substance.

C+

#381 - M.U.L.E.

                                     Believe it or not, this is not a Rush cover.

Every so often, a game comes along that makes me stop dead in my questing tracks. Not because the game is good necessarily, but because I'm so overwhelmed by what the game asks me to do (see every Koei game ever made). M.U.L.E. (hereafter referred to as Mule because ) is indeed one of those games. Now instead of simply turning to an FAQ or going to NintendoAge and looking up the manual because it's 2012 and I do that all the time, I'm going to place myself in the past for this review: as a young man circa 2000, without internet connection. FuncoLand and Software Etc have not yet been gobbled up by GameStop. All types of used games – NES included – are relatively common and easy to find. In this past universe, I approach Funco's bargain bin and find a game called Mule. The game has a stupid name and I could really care less, but what the hey, it's three dollars. I take it home, plug it in, turn it on... my old 15' Hitachi TV begins to blip different colors. I take the game out, blow on it, blow in the system, put the cartridge back on. It turns on! This screen appears.

                                                                        O...k

So I have no idea what I'm doing. Let's begin. The game asks me to pick from 1-4 players (1 player because I'm a reckless loner), Beginner, Standard, or Tournament (Standard because I'm not a wuss), and from a group of seven alien creatures or a human. I pick a Bonzoid because "they love climbing and are naturally found near the mountains." After this, I (and three computer players) are dropped off at a gray-looking, uninhabitable planet named Irata. There's one stream of water flowing down the center, but otherwise, the planet is completely gray. I will be stranded here for twelve months, so Mule says. I'm then told to pick a plot of land, and since the computer characters are camping near the water stream, I do as well. Afterwards, I have the option to bid on another plot of land, which I do. I outbid the computer and the land, out in the middle of nowhere, is mine. My turn. My Bonzoid is suddenly in the town and there's a timer counting down on my right.

          At this point, a sense of regret began to gnaw its way through my brain...

I rush into the Mule Corral and purchase a Mule, outfit it for farming, then bring it back to my plot of land. I then buy another Mule, outfit it for energy farming, then bring it to my other plot of land. Finally, I go into the pub. I smoke, drink, and gamble because, hey, I'm a licentious alien and need that Irata coin. My gambling pays off and I win fifty-five dollars. The computer takes its turn (lousy jerks are much better gamblers), then meteors strike the surface of Irata. They don't appear to do any damage, but it's creepy ne'ertheless. Afterwards, I'm sent to an auction, and this is where I became really confused.

         Push stick to declare as buyer or seller? Do I have a stick on my NES controller?

I didn't know what I was buying or selling. I didn't know what was going on at all, really. More so than other areas, Mule really whisks you through this part without giving you a chance to breathe. I stumbled through it the best I could, but at the end of the auction, I had no idea what just happened. After the auction, you're analyzing your wealth with the wealth of the computers, and then picking some more land. Circa-2000 me decides that three dollars was too much for this game, and turns it off, relegating it to the pile of half-baked sims.

                         Welcome to Planet Irata, the most neutral planet of all!

There's more to Mule than what I played. I know there is. Since this is my final paragraph of the review, I decided to time-travel forward to 2012 and look up an FAQ for Mule. In order to succeed at the game, you have to really know what you're doing. For those who didn't click on the link, one of the sections is called "Increased Production in Context to Terrain." Sounds about as fun as a priest robot giving you your last rites in binary code. Wacky alien species, an otherworldly, if slightly boring planet, and robotic mules aside, Mule is just a bland farming sim set in space. Nobody should get their jollies from such a genre.

D+

THIS JUST IN! - Apparently, Mule was originally an Atari game, and was then ported to the Commodore 64 and the NES. Given the drab graphics and the all-around strangeness of the games, this information makes oodles of sense.

#380 - M.C. Kids

M.C. Kids got a lot of flack for endorsing McDonalds, but there's not as much propaganda as you would expect. Sure, all the old McDonalds characters are here (Bernie, Ronald, etc.), but there are no overt messages telling kids to eat more MaccieD's and get diabetes. Compared to the blatant ads that we see in almost every modern game today, M.C. Kids is nuffin. 

                                            Welcome to Grimace's nightmare

Contrary to the title of the game, the kid protagonists are not emcees. They do not spit fat rhymes or drop hot beats, but they do eat a lot of ice-cold fries and red-hot meats. These M.C. kids – one white, one black, all love - are so enraptured with McDonalds food that Ronald McDonald hires them to find his Magic Bag, stolen by none other than the Hamburglar. The structure of McDonaldLand bears a striking resemblance to the world structure of Super Mario Bros. 3, to the point where toadstool-esque platforms protrude from the ground for you to stand on; I suppose Ronald's architects were in touch with Bowser's on that one. For you to progress, you have to acquire a certain number of cards in each world. Levels are fairly linear, but large enough to warrant repeat play sessions, find hidden bonus stages and what not. There are floating 'M's around each stage and if you collect a hundred, you're rewarded with an extra life. It's your typical 8-bit platformer, obviously inspired by Mario, but greased and salted with mild McDonald's references and an exploratory flavor all its own. It's much, much better than one would think. I was ready to stick a fork in M.C. Kids and call it good, but the levels are fun to play and there's a surprising amount of challenge for a supposed kids game. If you like McDonalds food, you'll enjoy M.C. Kids. If you don't like McDonalds food, don't worry: M.C. Kids doesn't try to cram itself down your throat and pretend your stomach can digest it.

B

#379 - Lunar Pool

             Duran Duran take a break from their exhausting '85 Galactic Tour

                                        Yes, this is only Stage 5. There are 60 stages.

Don't be fooled by those two normal-looking Reaganites playing pool in a normal-looking, good ol' American dive bar on the cover. I'm pretty sure Lunar Pool's sixty stages take place on the moon. Why not? I, for one, embrace this progress. If the United States isn't going to try to land people on different planets anymore, we may as well exploit the one giant space rock that we "actually landed on." Besides, if all billiard simulations controlled as well as Lunar Pool, why limit them to Earth? Expanding billiard tournaments and productions on the moon will lend a new sense of gravitas to the entire sport, or your billions of tax dollars back.*

                                   This is Stage 59. It's even harder than it looks.

So what do Lunar Pool's moon-based innovations bring to the table, you ask? Well, you can control the friction on the tables before the game even begins. If you want to weigh the balls down with so much needless gravity and make everyone hate you, turn up the friction. If you realize that you don't need to waste gravity's and everyone else's time because you're on the moon, turn down the friction so the balls can glide and slide across the table. Or if you want to play a boring game of Earth Pool, keep the friction on the standard setting. Many of the stage backgrounds have moon-based settings, always a plus when you're trying to impress that special someone. That's pretty much it. You can play by yourself, against a computer (not recommended), or with a friend (highly recommended). Despite the lack of game options, it might be the best game of pool on the NES and it's even better when played on the moon.

B

*tax dollars will not actually be returned

#378 - Low G Man

                         This might be one of the best NES covers of all time.

                                 Low G Man makes no apologies for his lack of G.

The protagonist of Taxan's Low G Manis neither a baller nor a shot caller, and I'm willing to bet that he doesn't have twenty-inch blades on his Impala. His lack of gravity should make/give him all of these things, but alas, having a really high jump does not make Low G's half-hearted side-scrolling action game worthwhile. As a post-apocalyptic warrior fighting scores of machines, one would think Low G would have something more than a freeze gun and a spear attachment, but those are his only killing implements at the start of the game. You will need to freeze an enemy, then spear up or down in order to kill them, and it's as annoying as it sounds. The first level is insanely hard. I can get to the end boss, but between Low G's floatiness, the boss' projectiles, and awfulweaponry (just try to stab the tank boss' mechanical arm with your spear while it moves back and forth across the screen. JUST TRY IT!), it's nigh impossible. I password-ed ahead to an ice level. It wasn't nearly as hard, but it was bland. I jumped my way through most of the level without issue before I was taken out by High G assassin robots and chunks of falling ice. There are other weapons you acquire throughout your low-gravity travels, like boomerangs and bombs, but these are few and far between and one must conserve them for boss battles. You also can commandeer certain enemy vehicles, which is fun at first, until you realize these vehicles have a certain weapon spray pattern. If the enemies don't come near the spray, they'll just attack you until the vehicle explodes. In conclusion, Taxan should have tightened Low G's floaty controls and given the dude an actual gun. Low G Manwould still be hard, but instead of dying repeatedly in frustrating bloody pools, victory would feel more achievable, less cheap. Victory would incite us to put our hands in the air, because we would be true players.

D+

#377 - Loopz

                          The boldest statement ever printed on a game box?

Somewhere in the world, someone finds this screenshot more enticing than a scantily-clad picture of a beautiful woman.

When you wake up in the morning, you don't have a bowl of Fruit "Loopz", do ya? Do ya?! I suppose one could cross out the 'S' on the cereal box and replace it with a 'Z,' if one were so inclined, but that sounds like a lot of work. You're better off just picking up a controller and playing Loopz and building loopz and dreaming of loopz until your brain is so loop-sided, you can't go to work or take a bath or play with your kids without thinking of ooze-like constructions slithering this way and that, but always, always connecting at the end because order must come from chaos!

Loopzis a puzzle game where you connect several uniquely shaped pieces into a loop. Sometimes, if you're lucky, you can create a nice, visually satisfying square-loop, but given the randomness of the pieces the game gives you, many of your loops will appear like snakes. Some of your loops will go unfinished because the game will give you a piece (particularly these Tetris-esque pieces) and it can't go anywhere. That's ok. Set down each piece within the time limit, make lots of loops, the game is happy and you may continue. Three game variants await you. Game A requires you to pick which level you want to start at a la Tetrisor Dr. Mario. You're then transported to a neon green playfield and some downright terrifying background music. Make as many loops as you are able, or feel it necessary to make because the game won't end until you're out of lives. Unlike Tetris, you won't move up a level by completing a certain amount of loops unless you're playing Game B. Game Bis almost the same as Game A, in that all you really do is make loops. However, after every 10 loops, you go up a level, and with every loop you make without losing a life, you get a point added to your bonus multiplier. The bonus multiplier is used for the bonus games, but because my loop-making abilities were rather limited, I never reached them. Game Cis a type of memory game. The computer shows you a loop made with a limited amount of pieces, then gives you the pieces in order to re-construct that exact loop.

There was something mildly haunting about the way one can get hooked into making loops of all shapes and sizes, but unless you're a dedicated fan of puzzle games, playing Hatrislate into the night unapologetically, there's no reason to let Loopzwrap itself around your brain for more than half-an-hour. It's a passing fancy, a mild distraction.

C+

#376 - The Lone Ranger

                    What every kid in the 90s wanted: a Lone Ranger game!

                                 You keep those punches to yourself, Mister.

Am I a Debbie Downer, an absolute, no-holds-barred NES-imist, or is The Lone Ranger just kinda there? I'm all for genre amalgamation on any console, but The Lone Ranger is an example where sticking to maybe one or two genres instead of five would have served it better. The types of gameplay on display are as follows: top-down, third-person action with minor adventure elements (going from town to town, seeking information and buying supplies, while shooting banditos and protecting the brainless women [social commentary on Konami's part?]), side-scrolling action consisting of more bandito shooting (as generic as Sara Lee Apple Pie), and finally, first-person dungeon crawling (!) combined with all-too-frequent shooting sequences where cowboys and jerkfaces pop out from every angle and shoot/throw knives/throw TNT at you. For the latter sequence, you better have the fastest gun in the west or you're dead (and it's one life and you're out because you're the Lone Friggin' Ranger and you should be able to survive all that the Wild West has to throw at you – which, as it turns out, is a butt-load of knives and TNT). Konami allows you the option to use a Zapper in these sequences, but I can't imagine that being any less cumbersome than using a controller, especially when the game forces you to turn around in first-person mode to shoot guys behind you. I would have been a much happier Ranger if Konami would have scrapped the dungeon crawling/shooting sequences, and improved the average action/adventure. A simpler, streamlined, fast-paced Western action game would have played more to the Nintendo's strengths. Still, bonus points to Konami for not simply putting out Castlevania with guns in the Old West.

B-

#375 - Lode Runner

                                   Broderbund graciously provides your loot bags

                               Nothing will stop you from going gold... ::groan::

Lode Runneris about getting the gold. It's about staying on top. It's a tale of power, money, and backstabbing in a land composed of bricks, holes, ladders, and Bombermen. You, the Runner, were once a Bomberman, bombing twisted, misshapen creatures thirsting for Bomber blood. But, after fifty tiring stages of smoke, rubble, and guts, you were awarded a transformation. You were set free from your life of destruction. In return, you became the villain. Your new Runner persona makes you crave gold, and only your former Bomber friends – robbed of their bombing ability - can stop you from obtaining it all. If they touch you, you die, but you have an ace up your sleeve: the ability to disintegrate brick. If the Bombers get near you, you can zap any brick and they'll fall in. If they fail to get out before the brick re-generates, they'll be temporarily displaced. Tragic? Hardly. The Bombers always re-emerge at the top of the level, ready to incovenience your looting. The levels get harder, meaner. This isn't mindless bombing. If you want to stack gold bars to the ceiling of your new thirty-thousand square-foot mansion, you'll have to trap and bury your former friends time and time again. You'll have to zap through piles of bricks to get those tricky gold pieces. You'll have to sweat bullets. Stay sharp. Don't stop for a minute. Don't trap yourself. Don't have a conscience.

B-

#374 - Little Samson

While this cover's not a complete tragedy, Taito could have invested more of the game's charm into the art.

                                                  Kikira flying... like a boss.

Little Samsonis a treasure, both literally and figuratively. It's worth the price of a new console, according to videogames.pricecharting.com. Yes, if you want to play Little Samsonon your NES the way Taito and God intended, you're gonna be shelling out anywhere between 250 and 500 bucks. It's almost worth it. It ranks up there with Castlevania IIIand Mega Man II as one of the system's greatest platformers, and yet, the game's praises go unsung due to its relative anonymity. Sure, Little Samsonwas more than likely shunned upon its release in 1992, thanks to its nonsensical name, horrible cover, and increasing 16-bit market share, but those reasons no longer apply two decades later. In other words, unless you hate fun, you have no excuse not to play this stupendous, clever, and challenging game.

 

                                                The beginning of your journey.

Little Samson immediately thrusts you into the role of its four characters. There's the human, Little Samson, who can climb walls, jump really high and throw a plethora of rocks at enemies. He's the most well-rounded of the four. The dragon, Kikira, can fly for brief periods of time (similar to Princess Peach from Super Mario Bros. 2, but better). She also blows fire which ascends in a J-shaped arc. She's not as strong as Samson, but her flying abilities make her invaluable for levels with large gaps and constantly floating bosses. Gamm the Golem is bulky and strong. His suit of armor makes him heartier than the other members, but also slower. Still, a lot of bosses can go down quick thanks to his rocket punch attack. Finally, there's K.O. The mouse. He drops what appear to be explosive rat turds at enemies. The turds pack a surprising punch, but he himself has the smallest lifebar of any character in the game. He can traverse up and down walls and even on the ceiling. His small size also allows him to sneak into secret areas. The game gives you an intro stage for each character to get used to their mechanics, then you're off to the main game where you can switch between characters whenever you want. 

                                       Stackin' rat turds like I stack my paper! 

Each character's unique abilities, and how the level/boss design force you to use said abilities seamlessly, really make Little Samsonspecial, but they're not the only reason you should play this game. Multiple branching paths making for great replay value, bright and colorful graphics, a whopping seventeen levels, transcendent music (each character has their own theme music) – for crying out loud, even the pacing is terrific. No level ever feels too long. Above all else, Little Samson is truly a joy to play. I can't remember the last time I had such a blast playing an NES game, and that is a compliment of the highest order.

A+

#373 - Little Ninja Brothers

                                                        Yes, yes, YES!!!!

                                 Fighting blue blobs in a forest... ah memories.

               Jack and Ryu... who will sucker punch their way to the finish?

Little Ninja Brothers might be the most ridiculous one-to-two-player action/RPG/track-and-field game you'll ever play for the NES. It's full of ridiculous stereotypes (Chinaland? Cilli City?), the story rips off of "Dragon Ball," and the over-consumption of food is prevalent! It also happens to be related to the slightly above-average button masher Kung-Fu Heroes, though I declare here and now that Little Ninja Bros kicks the crap out of that game. BUT WHY? For starters, the integration of the different genres is incredibly well-done. Venturing from town-to-shrine-to-boss-to-town across a huge overworld is as 8-bit RPG as it gets, but once you encounter an enemy, you enter into a square-shaped environment and face off against the enemies, bare-knuckle style. The fighting is almost exactly like Kung-Fu Heroes – punch/kick re-generating guys until battle ends - but the battles aren't nearly as long, thus making them more enjoyable. Again, like Kung-Fu Heroes, items like shuriken or bombs can be obtained by breaking rocks, skulls, and other environmental objects within the battlegrounds. The track-and-field mini games can often be found in different huts within each town or at shrines placed within the map. Their purpose is to teach you new moves or to learn how to use new items, and they're a fun distraction. If all of the above sounds like an action/RPG striving for Olympic glory, you're absolutely wrong. Little Ninja Brothers can't possibly be contained within your definitions of "what it is" or "what it should be." Kick, punch, it's all in the mind, man.

B+

#372 - Little Nemo: The Dream Master

This is a great cover. I particularly love the flying alligators and the cat hanging off the bed. Also, FREE MEGA MAN STICKER?!

                                   Little Nemo must really look up to Mega Man...

       Little Nemo, in control of a gorilla. I'm assuming said gorilla can not swim.

Nemo might be the master of dreams, but can he master your heart? Only if you're able to enjoy the nightmare-filled Slumberland, unironically. In The Dream Master, you control Nemo, capably attired in his nightie-nighties. By himself, he's a weakling of a young boy, but within each stage, there are certain animals Nemo can feed candy. Once he feeds them three pieces of candy (Nemo has an everlasting supply, lucky punk), you can ride on them/become one with them and acquire their abilities. Each animal has different abilities, and unless you have the instruction manual, it is trial and error figuring them out. For example, the lizard thing in stage 1 is slow-moving, but can bounce on other enemies and kill them. The gorilla is strong and can punch enemies, but jumping on them hurts him, despite the fact that he is a gorilla and could definitely squish an insect. Logic isn't what you come for in a game where you can tame animals with candy to do your bidding, however, so moving on. Each stage has a certain amount of keys that you have to collect in order to progress. None of the stages are too huge, but the challenge lies in using the candy-drugged animals to navigate around the stages, avoid enemies, and collect the keys. And it is a challenge. Little Nemo might appear like a cutesy Capcom game, in the vein of their work with Disney, but you'll have to work hard to unlock those doors at the end of every stage. Keep flinging out candy, experimenting with your animal friends, and hope you don't wind up at the feet of the Nightmare King, wondering what day it is. Sugar and dreams don't always mix.

B

#371 - The Little Mermaid

             I wonder if anybody sent in for that Mickey Mouse Club hip pack...

                                              Kickin' up dust, eh Ariel?

At the tender age of five, I beat The Little Mermaidfor the NES. It was the first game I had ever plowed through and I felt like I had conquered the world. I did cartwheels in my room (I was a spoiled only child with a large room), I wa-hoo!-ed all over the place, I told my parents, who were proud of their son's gaming prowess. It was a wonderful day that I still remember fondly. But I don't mind admitting that I beat The Little Mermaid, not because I was a gaming prodigy, but because it's one of the easiest platforming games on the NES. In fact, I knew it was easy while I was playing it, but I didn't care. I destroyed Ursula, I saw the ending cutscenes, I proved to myself that I could beat a game. That's all that mattered.

Twenty-two years later, The Little Mermaid is just as easy, but with enough light-hearted fun for a play-through or two. Of course, you star as Ariel, trying to stop Ursula from hypnotizing all "da fish in da sea." You can blow bubbles to trap enemies with the 'A' button and swim faster by holding down the 'B' button. There are treasure chests all over the place, with green bubble upgrades and red power upgrades. The stronger your bubbles, the bigger the enemy you can trap within the bubble. The more powerful you are, the stronger rocks you can push with your tail, either to open treasure chests or to get to hidden 1-ups. Enemies are relatively scarce, though potentially dangerous if you're not paying attention; the shrimps in particular are relentless in their pursuit of Ariel. By the time the fifth level rolls around, you'll be surprised you're already fighting Ursula. Two forms, and several enemies-encapsulated-in-bubbles later, and she's gone. SPOILERS! Ariel reunites with Eric. They get married. She's no longer a mermaid. Most importantly, she doesn't use a fork to comb her hair. I always found that disgusting.

B-

#370 - Little League Baseball: Championship Series

I bet that batter eats a loaf of Iron Kids bread a day. How else can he be so strong, and possibly, diabetic?

In Little League Baseball, you are indeed playing a baseball game with kids. Not much else to say, really.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with Little League Baseball. It controls well, the kids look adorable, there's a goodly amount of features. It's competent fun, especially with another player, but it's also the first baseball game I've come across in a long time that seems completely unnecessary. Perhaps SNK felt they needed to corner every aspect of the baseball game market, from all-around solid-with-a-side-of-crazy in Baseball Stars to utilizing Hall-of-Fame codgers in Legends of the Diamond to smelly, rambunctious children in Little League, but the formula wears thin when each game plays so similarly. Perhaps this game's most defining feature would be the ability to play against fifteen different Little League teams from around the world. You want to pit Korea against Puerto Rico? You have the power. Other than that, everything's standard. Play an exhibition game or a Championship series. Check on every team's stats with the Power Analysis. Or, if you wanted to play a different Little League baseball game for the NES, check out Bad News Baseball. I'm not going to say that it plays better or that it's more fun than Little League, but at least it left an impression.

C

#369 - Linus Spacehead's Cosmic Crusade

                                                         Brace yourselves...

                                        This is the tolerable part of the game...

                          It's actually an achievement that I managed to get this far.

Codemasters typically excels with the majority of their unlicensed games, especially Bee 52 and Dizzy the Adventurer, but Linus Spaceheaddeserves every bit of your contempt. It's slow, it's ugly, and the main character is about as appealing as Lester the Unlikely. The mechanics behind the game - one part point-and-click, one-part side-scrolling action – are intriguing, but executed poorly. In the point-and-click areas, Linus controls as well as you'd expect, but in the action stages, it feels like he's on the moon. Not only is our hero a slippery customer (tripping on his cape, perhaps?) but sometimes when you jump onto a platform, he'll jump again for no reason at all. I tried to figure out why the double jump occurred at random times, but there was no pattern. Sometimes Linus just likes to show off his jumping skills, even when you only press 'A' once. I've never seen this stupid action performed in any other side-scroller and, as you can imagine, it causes you to die a lot. Also, it's strange that Linus is a superhero, yet he has no weapons. You can jump over enemies, sure, but... he's a superhero! Give him a death ray or something! And what's with the horrible purple looking backgrounds, and brash obnoxious music? Perhaps the only bright spot is the goofy writing. Codemasters seems to know that their hero looks ridiculous and makes fun of him on several occasions. Despite Linus being a poorly conceived character, Cosmic Crusade could have been a worthwhile attempt to mesh two genres together. Instead, it's just a mesh.

D