#278 - Harlem Globetrotters

                                                      The gods must be crazy!

                                       Even the color scheme hates this game.

What child of the 90s doesn't remember the Harlem Globetrotters flagrantly breaking every rule of basketball? They were more circus sideshow than actual team, but they entertained the crowds for years with their zany antics. Kicking a basket ball from half court and making it in the hoop? Outrageous! Twirling the ball atop their entire bodies? Sensational!I always felt bad for the opposing team. They knew what they were getting into, and yet, they played the Globetrotters anyway. To the losing team's credit, I'm sure the Globetrotters' antics could be stopped, but contractual obligations probably prohibited the losers from doing so. I hope those guys' paychecks were just as large. Humiliation goes down easier with money.

Whatever kind of strange, logic-defying basketball moves you hope to pull off in Harlem Globetrottersfor your NES won't be found, save for a strange bouncing half-court maneuver you can do by pressing 'Start.' Other than that, this is run-of-the-mill basketball at its laziest. I'd call it 'arcade' style basketball, but when I think of 'arcade' basketball, I also think of fun. It's not a 'sim,' either as it lacks stats and micro-management. What it does excel in is frustration. Largest case in point: when you have the ball, you can naturally pass it to other team members; however, when the other team has the ball, you can not switch to different team members. What? How on earth are you to stop the opposing team? Basically, you hope to God that whoever was last selected on your team is close to the guy who has the ball on the other team. Even in the NES era, this gaffe shouldn't have occurred.

The Globetrotters NES game is a mere prelude to the realGlobetrotters game (unofficially, if nothing else) NBA Jam. I can be honest and say I've never played NBA Jam, despite my affinity for arcade sports games. Everything I've read and seen about the game, though, suggests a silly over-the-top ridiculousness that - let's face it - is exactly what the Globetrotters are all about. Granted, even I don't think the Globetrotters had the power to set balls on fire, destroy nets with the power of their minds or recruit Bill Clinton, but if they could, they would.

C-

#277 - Gyruss

I'd say the game is as epic as the cover, but I have no idea what's going on here.

When I was younger, trips through the galaxy were never this chaotic and filled with death.

And with a hearty laser beam to the face, I declare the letter 'G' to be vanquished forevermore from my sight. Gyruss is Ultra a.k.a Konami's 360-degree take on Galaga, one of my favorite shooters of all time. For those who do not like Galaga as much as I, I would recommend Gyruss as a replacement. Each level is still all about shooting as many enemies as quickly as possible as they fly in; if you don't, they'll dive bomb your ship with projectiles and eventually themselves. Once the enemies of the level are destroyed, you warp to the next level, just like Galaga. However, Gyruss strips away the "antiquated" early 80s feel, throws in some nifty space effects and adds a semblance of a plot structure. You progress from planet to planet in our solar system i.e. Neptune to Venus to Jupiter, etc. Each planet contains three levels. Instead of taking on each enemy from a fixed vertical position, you are able to move your ship in a continuous 360-degree fashion. Indeed, you have to if you want to defeat all of the enemies efficiently. The illusion of traveling through space may be the best of its kind for the NES. Honestly, it seems like you're going at warp speed the entire time which can be a bit disorienting. The enemies' projectiles can appear like stars or some other unimportant space dust, which left me destroyed on more than one occasion. As with Galaga, Gyruss starts to become difficult early on. With much time and care, however, one can conquer each level – nay, the entire solar system - and destroy all of the obtrusive space bugs that aren't content to simply splatter on your view screen.

B

#276 - Gyromite

                                        Ah yes, the "long-lived" Robot Series.

You need R.O.B. the Robot to play this game, which means - spoilers! - I couldn't play it.


Currently, R.O.B. the Robot, with accessories, costs about $230.00 on Amazon. Considering the little guy was released back with the first run of NES systems, he's pushing thirty years old. To find one without the accessories that works is amazing. To find one that works and comes with the accessories apparently costs $230.00, so yeah, a little rare. I still plan on reviewing these games one day, but I first need to acquire or hopefully find someone who actually has one of these buggers in decent condition. One can't play the rollicking thrill-rides Gyromite and Stack-Up without R.O.B. and his incredible ability to maneuver disks from left to right.

#275 - Gun Nac

When the Mighty Carrot Poobah attacks, only Gun Nac can compliment a delicious Cobb salad with his organs!

Rest assured, large mechanical objects are but a small concern compared to the deadly carrot stabbings.

 

I'm going to go ahead and assume that there was no English translator between the release of this game in Japan and America. Hence the awkwardly titled, mildly entertaining Gun Nac. If you've followed my blog for awhile now, you know that I love almost all shmups. It's not that shmups are even my favorite genre, but rather, they are my favorite genre to play for this quest. Turn on, kill kill, turn off, what's not to love? The good shmups are never that simple and neither is Gun Nac, although its decided value depends on your fondness for old shooters. Like many other NES shmups, Gun Nac starts off slow to get you used to the various weapons dropped by enemies, but by the second level, the difficulty ramps up quickly. I acquired four lives (for a total of six) and a bad mutha ship in the first level, only to have it all steam rolled away from me by the denizens of the horrible Lava Planet i.e. the second level. The difficulty level, the fast-paced speed, and the variety of weaponry make this game a solid shmup, but outside of those standard "solid" requirements, there's nothing here that sets this shmup apart from, say, Gradius or Life Force. The different planets you visit are all pretty bland, graphically speaking, as is the design of the ship and the enemies. Granted, when you have your favorite weapon charged to the max and you have two additional wings blessing you with extra firepower, all that matters is blowing things to oblivion. Similar to Gradius, though, should you die in the heat of battle, good luck regaining your ground. Pea-shooters don't cut it when you're trying to fight volcanoes, oil refineries and random flying monstrosities. Despite the subpar visuals, all classic shmup fans should try this game, if only to say "Huh. Now I can say I've played a game called Gun Nac."

B-

#274 - Gun.Smoke

Capcom's riding off into the sunset with a trough full of dollars and my utmost respect.

She may not be the purdiest game on the block, but her heart is pure.

Perhaps I'm just happy to play some good games after so many mediocre to crappy ones, or perhaps I'm just getting older and violent action games really take away from the emotional weight of life, but playing Gun.Smoke after Guerilla War – two shoot-em-all-and-let-God-sort-em-out games – really brightens my day. It's been rare in this quest for me to find one classic NES game I've never heard of, let alone two in a row from similar genres. Gun.Smoke delightfully bucks that trend, no thanks to Capcom's brilliant, simplistic game design. Who knew a vertically-scrolling shmup could work set in the Old West?

The goal of each level in Gun.Smoke is to take down the head bandit of a particular area. In the first level – the aptly named Town of Hicksville – you have to take down Bandit Bill, but first you must annihilate a wide variety of minions. Snipers shoot down from second-story windows, massive goons throw sticks of dynamite at you, and this is just the beginning. Outside of a couple helpful merchants who will offer you weapons or other items (getting a horse will allow you to move faster and take extra damage), the entire Old West is against you. Lives are scarce and the game is one-hit kill approved. If you're a veteran of schmups, though, the game won't seem hard until the last couple levels when stuff gets real and you start fighting ninjas (seriously). No Capcom or schmup fan should be without this game. My only real complaint – especially after the vastness of Guerilla War – is that the game's too short. Six levels? The Old West was way bigger than that. No need for me to nitpick, though, especially when life could be a lot worse. Gun.Smoke is aces.

A-

#273 - Gumshoe

Godzilla really doesn't want you to get Jennifer back. Apparently, they went out once and she never called him back.

Return the diamonds to South Africa lest Congo Jack come and tear you a new gumshoe.

A quick confession: I'm playing all of these Zapper games with my computer mouse. I'm not sure it makes any of these games easier, per say, but I'll venture a guess that it does make them more responsive. I don't think a twenty-five-year-old Zapper is the right apparatus to play some of these quick-on-the-draw games, like our friend Gumshoehere. I've never "shot" up a screen as much as I've done with Gumshoe and I can't imagine the Zapper registering on the screen like it should. Shame, as I'd much rather play the "authentic" way, but using the mouse is a much more efficient and competent way to complete my task. Besides, it's my NES blog and I'll shoot like I want to.

Gumshoe is how a Zapper game should be done. Yes, all you do is shoot the screen, but instead of merely taking down bad guys and avoiding good guys, you accompany a bumbling detective on his quest to collect diamonds. The diamonds are for the evil mastermind, King Dom (::sigh::...), as Mr. Dom has kidnapped the detective's daughter. Instead of moving the detective along with the D-pad Gumshoetakes control of him for you. All you have to do is shoot the detective to make him jump: jump towards balloons which give you ammo, jump over or under enemies, jump over large holes. Gumshoewill make you jump jump. It's much more complicated than one might think, though, as you have to time your shots/jumps properly. Some areas within each of the four levels really throw everything at you all at once, including exploding skull blocks, flying hammers, goofy birds. Another confession: I never got past the first level, but that didn't stop me from trying over and over again. Despite the game's difficulty, Gumshoe is as addicting as any Zapper game I've ever played, and dare I say, just a well-crafted game in general. Leave it to Nintendo to develop the best games for their kooky peripherals.

B+

#272 - Guerilla War

Richard Karn and Kris Kristofferson take on network television executives.

                                             No peasant's laundry is safe.

Contra, we've had some good times together. You are, as they say in the biz, a "non-stop action thrill ride." No small feat, considering most games' so-called "action" is about as limp as a wet noodle, with all the double entendres that phrase brings with it. Yes, you're a killer... KIIIIING. Unfortunately, you have been dethroned by a game that, until today, I knew nothing about: Guerilla War. I'm sorry, Contra. The memories we've made will last a lifetime, but let's face it, I've been playing you for twenty years. I've memorized your contours, your strengths, and your weak points. I won't say I'm bored, but, well... it's time for me to move on to an even crazier, more over-the-top action game than you yourself; one more erratic and spontaneous, with a real zest for life. I... I hope you understand... ::sheds tear, drops flower on the ground, and leaves abruptly::

My melodramatic goodbye to Contra notwithstanding, Guerilla War is like every good Schwarzenegger and Stallone action film rolled into one insane top-down shooter. As the title implies, you are fighting a guerilla war, but much like Schwarzenegger in "Commando," it's all you, baby (unless you decide to double your pleasure in co-op two-player, which I highly recommend). You are the lone guerilla from your squad who has to take down an entire South American country. Ridiculous and cheesy, but of course. One expects nothing less from SNK, a company who built their very foundation on over-the-top everything (Neo Geo cartridges resemble double-stacked VHS tapes and cost 300 bucks a pop? WHY NOT!). Guerilla Waris most definitely the spiritual predecessor to the much more successful and refined Metal Slugseries. How shall I draw the comparisons? One-hit kills, ridiculous amounts of enemies that threaten to suffocate you at every turn, weapon upgrades that pop up from nowhere, machines you can ride in to do extra damage to both landscapes and enemies, and last but not leastly, saving prisoners. Yes, whoever created Metal Slughad a fond space in their heart for Guerilla War. Another fantastic piece of knowledge: this game is HUGE, as in six-worlds-with-four-levels-a-piece huge; the levels' sizes are nothing to sneeze at either. Hardcore action snobs may think the game weak for including unlimited continues, but I have no idea how you would beat this game without them, even with a buddy along side you. That being said, if you're that much of a masochist, you're more than welcome to see how far you can get without using continues. God speed to you.

Of course I would never actuallyclaim that Guerilla Waris better than Contra. I see both games as NES action classics in their own right. It does confuse me, though, on how much acclaim Contra gets, while Guerilla Warsits in the jungle, waiting for an acknowledgment that never comes. Guerilla War should rightly sit in the pantheon of classic NES games, even if I'm the only reviewer to think so.

A

#271 - The Guardian Legend

                             How can a box look both cool and goofy?

                                        I think you're supposed to go up.

There ain't nothing wrong with genre-splicing, especially when the result is an intriguing, inscrutable mess like Guardian Legend. I played this game without the use of any FAQ, so my review will certainly highlight any and all confusion. The game starts off as an insanely fast-paced vertical shooter. Enemies and general debris are flying at you quicker than your brain has time to register. Best-case scenario: hold down 'A' and hope you don't get hit too much. This is yet another one-life-and-you're-out games that have been gracing my presence lately. Once you take out the boss, you're given some vague backstory about failure and saving the galaxy and such, when suddenly, you're a bikini-clad space warrior searching for... stuff! Yup, the game switches from a shooter to a third-person adventure game. This overhead view was deeply, heavily, massively inspired by The Legend of Zelda. In fact, I could hear Irem (the developer) pitching this to Broderbund (the publisher): "Think of Zelda, but... IN SPACE!" Surprisingly, it works. Right down from the enemies that flicker onto the screen every time you move on the map, to the pause menu also substituting as a map and inventory holder, the game is an excellent space representation of Zelda, with one exception: I had no clue what I was doing. There were several points where I entered a space portal or something that seemed like it was going to move me on to the next area, but it never did. Also, there were times when I'd blast special boxes and symbols of weaponry would be in them, like a boomerang. I never figured out what the point of these were. Despite the obtusity (huzzah for new verbage!) of Guardian Legend, I really enjoyed it. It's a game that borrows from an obvious source, yet the end result is unique and well-crafted. Tis a rarity for the NES era.

B

#270 - Gremlins 2: The New Batch

I miss the Gremlins, but I really don't want them to make a comeback. If that makes any sense.

If I'm not mistaken, Gizmo is about ready to plummet down a ventilation shaft. Bust out your balloon, Gizmo! To safety!

I really hated this game as a kid, but I'm not sure what I was expecting. Granted, "Gremlins 2" was one of my favorite childhood movies, so my incredibly high expectations were probably unmeetable. Or I was just really bad at the game. Yeah, probably the latter. Sunsoft has crafted a straightforward, but challenging overhead platformer where you play as Gizmo and work to stop the Gremlins from taking over the city. Gizmo may be a cute little dickens, but he's also lethal. You start off hucking tomatoes, but you can get weapons upgrades like flaming arrows that allow you to take out the new batch and beyond. You only get one life and three hearts to start, but if you search around, you can find that kindly, creepy Chinese guy and buy additional hearts and lives from him. You do get continues and there is a password system, so despite the difficulty, the game is playable and beatable. It also, more or less, follows the plot of the movie, albeit in a shortened version. Cinematic cutscenes really make you empathize with Gizmo, if only because of his heartbreaking sad faces he gives the camera. Special props go to Sunsoft for the top-notch eight-way controls. Shooting may not be as smooth with the D-pad as with other eight-way directional games like Contra, but I still managed to hit my targets more often than not. Here's one licensed game for the NES that doesn't reek of horse manure. That still doesn't mean you should play it after midnight, though. That's asking for it.

B+

#269 - Greg Norman's Golf Power

It's a four-player game. Judging by the load times, I can imagine the aging process would kill at least 3 of the 4 players involved by the time a game ended.

Hey, it's hard to create a course out of nothing, alright? Can't a Norman get a break?!

Underneath this should-have-been-decent golf game lies troubles, deep, deep troubles. In fact, these troubles are so deep that not even the heartiest, most delicious sand wedge could pluck them from the abyss. For starters, what's with the load times? Every time you hit a shot, a black screen comes up and types out some information about how many yards you have left and what club you need to use. It's seemingly educational at first, but quickly grows tedious after, oh, the third shot you make. Plus, who ever heard of load times on an NES game? Secondly, the power meter is confusing. This isn't saying much, seeing as every NES golf game has a confusing power meter. Still, it makes little sense as to why you charge your power meter to the top, only to let the meter fall back to the beginning. I never quite got the hang of it and it ruined most of the game. There is (apparently) a pretty good design mode where you can create your own golf course, but I didn't try it, frightened by the thought of the load times embedded within that beast of a program. I imagine placing an item on the course, such as a bunker or a tree. The second I drop it, a black screen interrupts to tell me that I have placed a bunker or a tree on the course. Thank you, Greg Norman, for that little slice of obvious!

F

#268 - The Great Waldo Search

                                               Waldo's taunting you. Don't give in.

I can honestly say that I really expected to find Waldo around a bunch of monks and demons. It just makes sense.

Who didn't love a good (or great, even) Waldo search back in the day? The "Where's Waldo" book series was in the vein of "I-Spy," though in my opinion, was the better of the two. I'm not sure which came first, but Waldo gave some personality to the whole spot-the-item-amidst-a-buncha-crap ordeal. Finding him in his blase' red-and-white ensemble on a busy Calcutta street (or alien planet or the American Revolution or wherever) was not always as easy as it seemed. Converting such an exercise to a game? Games have been made from stranger sources, I suppose, but I'll give The Great Waldo Search this: it's the first game that I've beaten in ten minutes or less. Seriously.

This game should not have been made. I'd like to end the review here and encourage you all to discover Waldo Just Ain't Trying Anymorefor yourself. After all, the overall crappy flavor of this game can not be described: it must be sampled, savored, and lived! The game's not even torturous. It's just really bizarre, dull, and short. But enough adjectives. To action!

The gameplay: find Waldo and a scroll in five themed levels. Find Waldo in Arabia! Find Waldo in hell (for realz)! Find Waldo in Waldo Land!... and so on. Now, Waldo was really tiny in the books, making him difficult to find. In this game, he's as large as any other character on the screen. Oftentimes the characters and their environments are colored in such a dull way that Waldo's peppermint apparel shines exceedingly bright. Once you find all five scrolls and all five Waldos – ta dah! - the game's over! Unless you want to play on Expert mode (which does nothing except limit your time to find Waldo) or... well, that's it. Beating it on Expert mode is the only incentive to replay.

This lack of gameplay in and of itself should be offensive enough, but because THQ really wanted to stick it to the consumer, they decided to make each level's music unbearable as well. In 268 games, I have never heard such terrible, off-key, melodically offensive music as this. Yes, I will include a video of gameplay at the bottom so you can all hear for yourselves. The title screen, in particular, bears a faux-hip blatty beat, punctuated by a muffled voice saying "Where's Waldo?" like he's KRS-ONE or some other early-90s rapper. The whole song sounds like the original recording was run over by a car (repeatedly) and then pasted into the cartridge's memory. Seriously bad, but the title screen's composer Jeff Barry took full and complete credit for it. FYI, he's available for any and all weddings and bat mitzvahs. Jeff Berry is available, not Waldo. Waldo's gone missing again. It happens.

F-

#267 - Gradius

Not at all inspired by Star Wars. I mean, c'mon, would George Lucas include anything as silly as an Easter Island head in his movies?...

Getting some lean back, listening to Steely Dan. Easter Island, everything's a cool groove, baby.

Let's be honest: when one thinks of Gradius, what you're really thinking of are Easter Island heads that spit out blue raspberry candies at you. Don't deny it! I love that Konami took a very mysterious stone statue and turned it into hordes of enemies in an otherwise innocuous shooter. I won't be so bold as to say Easter Island heads are the only thing worth enjoying in the game. In fact, I quite like the simplistic upgrade-or-don't shooter contained here. All that's required is to be on your toes at all times. Outside of the first level which is quite reasonable, the remaining six levels will turn your ship into so much scrap metal if you let them. Honestly, even the upgrades like missiles, lasers, and a shield (located at the bottom of the screen and accessed through collecting red orbs dropped by enemies) don't help much, unless you have all of themequipped at one time. I'm not sure the latter is possible without a code, but either way, I highly recommend it. I don't think you can make it through the game without them, to be honest, and therein lies my one real frustration with the game. Should you die anywhere past level 2, you may as well restart the entire game. The onslaught of enemies and projectiles that will face you and the vulnerability of your ship after a sudden death can not be over-emphasized. Needless to say, the game is ridiculously hard. It's 3 lives, no continues, buddy, so enjoy those Easter Island heads while you can. This is space, not Halo.

B-

#266 - Gotcha! - The Sport!

   I enlarged this cover so you could all see the maximum homoerotic overtones.

Paintball Wars were about as gangster as the late Eighties got, aside from Public Enemy, of course.

With a name like Gotcha!and a cover that reeks of failed hopes and dreams, I expected little to nothing from this game. A bunch of grown men playing a hybrid of capture-the-flag and paintball in the woods? I would love to do this in real life, but it sounds like it would be an awful, potentially hilarious gaming mess. Well, shock the monkey: despite its brevity and the relative ease with which the game is completed, Gotcha! stands out from the other Zapper games by offering you more control. Instead of automatically scrolling levels, you must manually scroll the level along with the D-pad, while shooting guys that pop out of random places along the way. It's surprising what a large difference this makes. The game gives you complete control to go back and forth across the level as you see fit. Granted, you're going to want to move forward as quickly as possible, due to the time limit. The whole goal is to capture the other team's flag, then move back to the other side of the screen before time runs out. One can get bogged down in shooting every person that runs on screen, so it's better to just shoot the guys who aim their weapons at you or guys who carry ammo. Unfortunately, there are only three levels – a forest level, a city level, and a snow level – and while the levels repeat, it still feels like the game is over far too fast. There are three difficulty levels, but even the hardest difficulty is only mildly challenging. If Gotcha!would have accelerated the difficulty across each level, added at least seven more stages, and thrown a couple bosses in the mix, this could be one of the quintessential Zapper games. The fun that's had in Gotcha! is only eclipsed by the potential that was lost. Shame.

B-

#265 - The Goonies II

                                             Too... much... Sunkist... flavor!!!

                  There's not a lot going on in this scene or in any scene, really. 

 When I was a child, seeing The Goonies II at my local Blockbuster without The Goonies I by its side never made much sense. I knew there was an original Goonies arcade game. I had played it at Pizza Hut on one of those sit-down arcades, dag nab it! Strangely, Konami never ported that to the NES (only the Famicom), instead choosing to make a sequel and let the past sort itself out or something. So how is The Goonies II as written by Konami and not Spielberg? Let's explore.

I know you're all dying to hear a retro gamer's take on a retro movie, like "The Goonies." RIGHT? Well, here it is: it's fun and goofy. I have no special ties to it, nor do I rewatch it every year in my cult movie group (note: I don't actually have a cult movie group because I'm too concerned they'll have John Waters' marathons). I don't know if it's earned its "classic" status, though. It's a better-than-average 80s movie and I'll just leave it at that before Chunk punches me.

The Goonies II is pretty much exactly like its predecessor: a map-based puzzle game that requires you to collect items in one part of the map, and use them in other parts. It's really that tedious! I wouldn't have a problem with non-linear gameplay, but this game is hugeand warp points are rampant. I never really knew where I was after I went in one. I can see it now: the hordes of poor children making their own maps in 1987 (pre-Nintendo Power) desperately wanting a game based on their precious Goonies to not be so blah. Non-linear frustration aside, the game is really boring. Who likes flinging yo-yos into spiders and hired goons? Climb that ladder, little Billy, but make sure you climb reaaaallllyyyy slllloooooowwwww. There are doors everywhere. Some of them contain the aforementioned warp points, others contain items useless and otherwise. I really wish the game would have played like a standard point-and-click adventure, as there's more promise in these short segments than the rest of the side-scrolling malarkey. Then again, I don't really care.

D-

                                           

#264 - Golgo 13 - Top Secret Episode

Just as only you are able to prevent forest fires, only you can help Golgo save the world. You've got a lot on your plate, I'd say.

Before embarking on his top-secret mission, Golgo-13 decides to buy a fresh purple suit and strut about town for one last night of drinks, dames, and death.

"Top Secret Episode," eh? How top secret can it be when it's the only episode packaged into a surreal, almost-wonderful-but-mostly-hideous Golgo 13 game? The "top secret" handle – where the story's really top-secret except for anyone who plays the game – is just a small example of this game's overwhelming paradoxes (yes, I'm really reaching for a beginning, but this is just how life goes, sometimes beginnings come naturally, other times you have to reach deep within the recesses of your brain and STILL NOTHING).

As with most of life, we should really start at the beginning: wonderful cinematic cutscenes containing a tried-and-true 80s action-movie plot - complete with explosions, mysterious but awesome protagonist, and Russia-fingerpointing - begin the game. Already I'm into Senor Golgo... then I start to play the game. First thing I notice are the graphics. Did Vic Tokai spend all their budget on the opening cutscenes? Golgo 13 looks like he has blocky parachute pants on, for crying out loud. Later on, I meet with a man who literally has a Lego head. My conclusion? Cutscenes = well-crafted; rest of game's graphics = five-year-old sneezing pre-chewed crayon flecks onto a programming screen. Actually getting through the game is a massive chore, which is strange because not much really happens. Walk across the screen, duck into a building and look for someone to talk to, shoot a couple dudes – or rather, attempt to shoot a couple dudes. Shooting is fine, except you can't duck and shoot like your enemies can. This means you take numerous bullets to the kneecaps and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Is it that hard to copy from the Rolling Thunder playbook? On the other hand, sometimes the game randomly enters you into a scrolling sniper mode, which has you shooting helicopters and really bouncy guys (presumed to be Russian ninjas). The sniper mode is incredibly fun, while the side-scrolling portions are overly cheap. Your only hope in the latter is to jump over their bullets, but that only gets you so far, especially when there's more than one enemy on the screen.

If Golgo-13 wasn't so concerned about contradicting itself at every turn (it's as if Vic Tokai really didn't know whether they wanted to make a good or bad game), this could have been an exciting hybrid of Rolling Thunder and Mission Impossible. The finished product, sadly, remains cow dung filled with pockets of frosting. Make of that what you will.

D

#263 - Golf Grand Slam

This is a far cry from Atlus' future, where demon summoners and angsty teens roam the earth.

                                                       What do ya know? Golf!

Despite Nintendo's attempt to destroy the sport of golf with the poorly designed and "creatively" named Golf, Atlus brought it all back home with Golf Grand Slam. Save for one burning irritation, this is how video game golf should play. You are presented with a couple different options: do you want to pump your nine iron and get some Training in, or do you want to throw caution and (hopefully) balls to the wind and enroll immediately in the Tournament? Once you begin to play, you're presented with a scrolling view of the entire hole, the wind speed/direction, etc. A "+" cursor allows you to choose where you want to hit your shot. After you select that, you enter a menu and very carefully choose which club you want, your standing stance (seriously, with shoe markers and everything), the direction you want to hit the ball, etc. The latter menu is the most sim-like aspect of the entire game and can be intimidating. Truth be told, I'm not sure if shifting any of those options really changes how you hit your ball, but they're included regardless. After that, you enter what I like to call the "God-help-you" portion of the game. A small screen comes up in your menu that shows an enlarged golf ball. Now within that golfball, another tiny golfball will appear and dart around like a frantic fly. Whenever you decide to press 'A', the tiny golfball stops and whatever area of the larger golfball it stops in, that's the direction you will hit your ball. It's ludicrous, and coming directly after the sim elements, feels a little cheesy. I don't want to lie: most of the time you'll hit a decent shot. But if you're like most gamers, you'll want to hit the best shot you can and that's almost always impossible. Still, it's a far cry from the diabolical WTF-ery of Golf's power meter. Most importantly, the game feels like a real game of golf... except not real because you're holding an NES controller instead of a club while you play... and you're probably not a middle-aged white guy with terrible fashion sense... and you definitely won't win any money from playing and winning the tournament. But yeah, real enough.

B

This is a call...

Hello friends,

As you may or may not know, I recently passed the third-way mark of my quest. In other words, I am approx. 33% complete with this bad boy. I am pleased with the response I've been getting from other committed gamers, retro or otherwise. This blog has gotten more page views than I would have believed even a year ago. You know what they say, though: with more traffic comes more responsibilities. In particular, I'd like to revamp the site's look. I should point out that my knowledge about designing blogs comes purely from copying and pasting HTML, so I'm quite limited. This is why I'm putting a call out to people who know how to re-design blogs or know someone that knows someone - anything like that. I don't need an overwhelming NES theme. I want something simplistic, even minimalist. Mostly, I'd like to revamp how one can search for games. Right now it's divided by year and by month, which is incredibly inconvenient when you're searching for one game. There is a search bar at the top, but I'm not even sure how many people use that or even care to.

Anyways, my own personal opinion is that the site as is doesn't look bad, but it could look better. Again, if anyone would be interested in helping to re-design the site's look and enhance its efficiency, drop me a comment and we'll exchange e-mails (privately, of course). I'm not sure about money and how much a project like this would cost, but we'll talk about that too.

Cheers,

Dylan

#262 - Golf

Mario soon lost some weight and shrank in stature. Princess Peach remained committed to him, stunning millions in the Mushroom Kingdom.

                            I expected good things. Good things I did not receive.

Open wide for some... golf? Only if you have a thing for hideous pants and racial inequalities. Golf transcended boundaries back in the day, in that, it was the first golf game made for a console where you could sort of see what was going on. I'm not sure if any of the Ataris or Colecos had golf games, but if they did, I can only imagine how horrible they looked. In other words, Golfwas a golf game that was playable, in that, you could read the course layout and have an idea of what you were supposed to do. Even Mario decided to join in on the golfing "fun" long before he had the financial wherewithal to create his own tournament. So Golf is visually acceptable, but how does it play? Well, let's just say Baseball runs circles around this stinker. Obviously the goal of the game is to play golf and win. You have a wide selection of wood and iron clubs, and a power meter that determines how hard you've swung. You press 'A' to start the blue-colored meter and 'A' again when it has reached the small, white-colored portion. Well, I've hit that white section time and time again, and have yet to obtain par on any of the courses. The ball, and the power with which you hit it, seems to do what it wants to. Sometimes it goes far, sometimes it barely goes anywhere. Putting can be obnoxious as well, but for me, it was just annoying trying to advance in the game without feeling like Roger Fox from "Foxtrot." Despite the relative simplicity of Golf, other golf games that actually, you know, play like golf have come along and are far, far superior. This one can't even summon a "nice try" golf clap.

D-