#233 - Flight of the Intruder

Once upon a time in Vietnam, two jets fell in love, until one of them was blown to smithereens over Khe Sahn.

                              I found the most exciting screenshot I could.

I've had my cornbeef hash with many a "flight sim" in recent days. While F-117A Stealth Fighter and F-15 Strike Eagle were developed by MicroProse, Mindscape was apparently looking to get in on a piece of the illustrious flight-sim pie on the NES days. Hence why Flight of the Intruder plays almost exactly like the other two aforementioned games. The difference: Instead of piloting one crappily controlled plane, you control two! In the F4 Phantom portions, your goal is to destroy the enemy planes. The landscape is barren and boring. Sky above, water below, and two annoying gray jets that take a bajillion hits to kill. In the A6 Intruder portions, your goal is to bomb different things, like boats or tanks or other assorted military weaponry. Each mission contains at least one of each style, ensuring boredom for however long it takes you to stop playing. After each mission, you must land your plane and with more skill than you'd think would be necessary. You have to manage thrust, altitude, distance, vertical velocity, and the amount of rage that will inevitably be boiling over each time you try to land your stupid plane. If (when) you fail, you have to try again until you get your plane on one of the four hooks. 12 missions of this tripe? No thanks, I'm going AWOL. Had they made a game based on "Flight of the Navigator," I'd give slightly more of a damn. Flight of the Intruder should be dishonorably discharged.

F

#232 - Fist of the North Star

                               It's been... ONE WEEK SINCE YOU LOOKED AT ME!

                     It's like Castlevania meets Kung Fu meets Rolling Thunder.

Nobody likes a chronic gambler, but most people like to tumble the dice every now and then. So here's my shakedown: I kinda like Fist of the North Star for my Nintendo Entertainment System. Many NES lovers seem to hate it, and I recall it being in Seanbaby's list of 20 worst NES games or possibly worst games of all-time. It isn't so bad as all that, though. It's silly and the controls are pretty useless, but I'll be darned if it doesn't feel like a spiritual successor to Kung Fu, the first real "fighting game" for the NES.

Fist of the North Star is based on an incredibly popular anime/manga series, and I would talk at length about one or the other, but I have neither seen nor read them so I have no frame of reference; skimming Wikipedia doesn't cut it either. What matters is the game: you are a karate kickin, chop-sockin master. 'A' controls your punches, 'B' controls your kicks, and 'Up' makes you jump. All you'll need to take out the incredibly weak fools that lurk here are well-timed kicks (to the throat, preferably) and you'll be fine (how ironic that punches aren't more valuable, given the name). Normally, I take issue with the 'jump' button being anything other than 'A,' but the epic floatiness of your jumps seem well-suited to pressing 'Up.' Each level has a mid-boss and a final boss, neither of which are too terribly difficult. Before every skirmish, I talk to Ken, the main character. I say, just remember to kick your way to freedom, Ken. It's the only way to achieve complete success in all of life's journeys or missions or... what have you. When he complies, he wins. Sometimes, though, Ken is rebellious and wants to do things his way. For example, to enter through a door, you have to press 'A,' 'B',' and right on the directional pad... AT THE SAME TIME. What madness conceived such a configuration! Ken never listens when I ask him to go through a door, thus my time with Fistios ended on level 3, where going through a door was pretty much required for progression. I'll say this, though: should some wayward game magician ever figure out the secret to entering doors for this game, I'll give him a proper fist bump and get right back into the kickin'. Fist of the North Star may not be what's for breakfast, but it feels good. As any partygoer will tell you, if it feels good, drink until you pass out... well, maybe you should just play Fist of the North Star instead.

Before level 3: B

After level 3: C-

#231 - The Fisher Price Saga: Part VI - The Perfect Fit

                   Yeah, it's a perfect "something that rhymes with fit," alright.

            You only have three minutes left! Hurry up and flip that 'G' over!!!

The Fisher Price saga ends today with A Perfect Fit, and may I just say, thank the Lord. While I can't fault a game designer for attempting to make games that teach little kids, would it hurt them to give children a modicum of credit? Could we please pretend that kids do in fact have brains that they use on a daily basis? If we follow the logic of A Perfect Fit, then education in America died quickly and painfully in the early 90s. The goal: on the game board, you will see silhouetted shapes of Fun and Educational Fisher-Price products. The game will give you colored pictures of the same products, and in order to progress, you must place the correct colored picture over its silhouetted brethren. BUT WAIT. Sometimes the colored pictures are upside down or facing the opposite direction. These things should not be. IT MUST BE A PERFECT FIT. Drag your colored picture to the left side of the screen and choose the correct way – vertical or horizontal – that your picture needs to be turned. Sound complicated or obtuse? That's only because I can't explain it very well. It's the most simple game I've ever had the displeasure to play. If Firehouse Rescue was the action-packed kick-off to this snoozefest of a product placement trilogy, I Can Remember the awkward, brainier middle child, then A Perfect Fit is the developers setting back the fight for education a good twenty years. Little Billy deserves better than this.

F-

#230 - The Fisher Price Saga: Part V - I Can Remember

Expect your memory capacity to expand to at least 30KB after playing through this game.

Roller skates? It's what I've always wanted (screenshot courtesy of nesfun.com, in case you couldn't tell).

At first I thought this game would be the Fisher Price version of Phil Collins' song "I Can Remember." Then I REMEMBERED that the Phil Collins' song is actually called "Do You Remember" and that game and toy companies don't work together to make video games about bald British men's mid-life crises. Fisher Price, bless their black corporate souls, decided to take the more conventional route and make a memory game about - what else - Fisher Price products! I'd say it's a "fun" memory game, but memory games aren't really fun at age 26. They're a reminder of what you used to enjoy, although since I never enjoyed Fisher Price as a company, I didn't really enjoy uncovering the memory tiles in this game. Product placement lurks behind every tile (look, it's that phone from "Toy Story 3"!). And yes, I Can Remember is just like any other memory game you've ever played, including but not limited to the actual "Memory" board game and the memory minigame in Super Mario Bros. 3. Uncover the same pictures from two tiles and the tiles will remove to reveal a larger picture underneath. Do this several more times and your reward is... a large picture of an expensive Fisher Price toy that, you as a three year old will bother your parents for until they wonder why they bought you a $50 memory game, when "Memory" costs about $10 and is far more hands-on; true edutainment, if you will. As a companion piece to Firehouse Rescue and part V in the Fisher-Price saga, I will say it improves on the whole "children's game" concept. As a game about remembering garish plastic items, it fares worse. Unless you're ages 3 to 8 (::chortle::), I'd recommend just forgetting about this game, this review, and Fisher Price as a whole.

D-

#229 - The Fisher Price Saga: Part IV - Firehouse Rescue

If 8-year-olds need to play this game to help them learn to make decisions, then God help the future of America.

           Here you're rescuing Lisa Frank from your 90s acid trip of a reality.

If I were to tell you that I've longed for the day when I could rescue Fisher Price people out of "burning" houses, well, that would be a downright dirty lie. I think Fisher-Price is the red-headed second cousin of Duplos, and Duplos, though better than Fisher Price, are Lego's obese, awkward children. Legos are the ultimate block-building toy and everything else can go suck eggs. BUT I DIGRESS. I have less than no desire to save Fisher Price people from their ultimate demise. Unfortunately, saving these blockheads is all you do in this game. Drive your fire engine (which is really more of a pink block with wheels on it) through a map "maze" to get to a house. Don't be fooled by the Store or the Gas Station: those will never be on fire. For some reason, Fisher Price people can't stop setting their houses ablaze, although, despite the title, I never once saw a house actually burning. Perhaps it was too hard to render pixellated flames or perhaps Fisher Price didn't want to scar the three-year-olds playing this game with melted people oozing out of the second story windows. I dunno, but the lack of fire makes the whole "Firehouse Rescue" concept seem worthless. Now I know this game is for children, as it has the prefix "Fisher Price" attached to it, but it's so easy. A story: I first got Super Mario Bros when I was four years old. I may have had no idea what I was doing – I used to jump when Mario jumped and the first Goomba was my worst enemy for awhile - but I loved it. Not knowing how to play the game gave me incentive to play more. Even at age four, I would have conquered all four of Firehouse Rescue's difficulty levels in thirty minutes. I may not like kids that much nor do I particularly want one at this current time in my life, but they're much smarter than this game gives them credit for.

F

#228 - Fire 'N Ice

                                     Another stupid cover for a fantastic game.

The amazing #1 Broadway musical, "Boogers on Ice," ladies and gentlemen!

Who would have thought nature's original odd couple would work out their differences in order to craft a superb puzzler? The story: fire has invaded Ice World, something about a Druidle and a grandma or... something, Idunno, it doesn't really matter. You're a cute wizard who has to eliminate the intruding fire from taking over the ice realm. Much like Lolo, the first few levels are there to teach you the mechanics: ice cubes destroy fire. Simple as pie... OR IS IT. Yes, the goal is to direct the ice in the level to make the fire disappear. You have a wand that can both generate ice and take it away. Ice can only be created diagonally below you, so basically, you must be standing on a block in order to create an ice cube to the left or right of you. Create a row of ice then break it off into small chunks. Take out your glass of sweet tea, place it diagonally below you, and give it some ice cold lovin'. Every ice block in the level is placed for a reason, so always be aware of your surroundings. Later levels involve pipes, different types of ice, monsters that don't respond directly to your ice weaponry. It's a rich tapestry, to be sure. If you accidentally screw up (as I did several times, even on the earlier levels), you can hit 'select' and retry without losing a life (unlike Lolo). I've mentioned Loloa couple times because this essentially Lolo's spiritual successor. Fire 'N Ice may not have quite as much charm, but the mechanics are SOLID and gameplay is RED-HOT fantastic. If you love putting large amounts of joy in your life, please partake of Fire 'N Ice.

A-

#227 - Firehawk

"Twin Peaks: Firehawk with Me," starring Agent Dale Cooper as The Flamethrower Guy!

                                  Even the water is evil in this game. Destroy it!

After playing through several Codemasters games and only really despising one of them (The Fantastic Adventures of Dizzy), I believe I can safely proclaim this edict: Codemasters was the best developer of unlicensed games for the NES. I know they don't really have much competition other than maybe Tengen, but Codemasters has proven itself worthy, what with Bee 52, Dizzy the Adventurer, and now Firehawk, a-shoot-'em-all-and-let-God-sort-'em-out explosive playground. In Firehawk, you control a helicopter (presumably named "Firehawk") and your goal is to destroy anything that shoots at you. The 'A' button is your traditional fire, with 'B' serving as your missles. Missles are good for the bigger things – bridges, tank holds, miscellaneous square things that shoot at you – while standard ammo will take out the little buggers. There's usually only one or two goals in each of the seven stages, with the helicopter's crosshair directing you where to go. Rescuing your friends (or "paras" as they call them) is the other main part of the game. When you initiate a rescue sequence, the screen will show your helicopter rescuing the soldier, while behind the helicopter, other enemy helicopters attempt to take you out. Pressing 'B' will fire on helicopters to your left, while 'A' will take down ones on your right. It's hard to explain, but incredibly fun in practice. Speaking of practice, the steering controls will take some getting used to. The helicopter can be unwieldy at first, but controlling it does become easier over time. For those that like Choplifter and the Strike series, Firehawk comes highly recommended.

A-

#226 - Final Fantasy

This, friends, is how you do an RPG cover. And look how much stuff you got with the actual game! Nowadays, all that would cost you an extra thirty bucks.

These are not the names of my characters. However, I do love me some squid wizardry.

I want to get through this entire review without talking about 1) Final Fantasy and its relationship to Dragon Warrior (much like every other NES RPG, Final Fantasy was heavily influenced by Dragon Warrior) and 2) the Final Fantasy series as a whole. The latter would take forever and involve a lot of confusion and probably some swearing. The former would involve many back-and-forth comparisons which would get old very quickly. I want to focus on Final Fantasy by its own merits, as the game itself does have a lot to offer. That being said...

Final Fantasyis a great RPG and arguably elevated what RPGs could and should be on the NES. Your character sprites are charming and cool, the music is sound, the battle system is fun, despite it not being super in-depth. The game itself is huge. If you want to really make your characters ultra powerful and find the best items and such, you'll be devoting a good 50 hours to it. What really sets FF apart, though, is the customization of your characters. For the first time in any NES RPG, you could choose to have different classes. Whether you wanted to be an offensive powerhouse and have four fighters on your team, or mix it up with a fighter, a thief, and a white and black mage. The choice was yours. To even have such choices felt unprecedented, but I believe it's one of the main reasons people keep playing the game after all these years, and why the original Dragon Warrior feels so antiquated in comparison.

This is part 2 of my confessions: I haven't played the game in full. I've started it about five times and each time get sidetracked with life or other contemporary games. While I'd like to sit here and wax eloquent about my favorite parts of the games, I would just be blowing more smoke than I usually do. Instead of pure lies, I'll regale you with an antidote of how I first realized that Final Fantasy was special. Everyone knows that, on the title screen, the words Final Fantasyaren't emblazoned there. I found that strange at first. What self-respecting title screen doesn't have the actual title of the game there? I began the game, got my characters in order, talked to the king, sighed about having to rescue anotherprincess. I traversed up through the woods and to the old, broken-down castle. To my surprise, Garland – the supposed main bad guy – was already there waiting for me. And I was now fighting him! After besting him quickly and easily, the princess was safe and now I was back in the castle. How queer, I thought. I just rescued a princess in about fifteen minutes and it took about fifteen hours to do it in Dragon Warrior. Obviously, I knew the game wasn't over, but it was a delight to see them turn such a standard RPG convention – and really, a NES game convention – on its head. Well, the king repaired the bridge to cross over into other lands, so I took my leave and ventured across. The screen went dark. I assumed my "cartridge" had glitched. But no. It was the truetitle screen interrupting my play and telling me what my realjourney would be. Epic music! Restoring orbs! A beautifully lit background that showcased my party in silhouette standing atop a mountain! Truly this would be the fantasy to end all fantasies!

A

#225 - Fester's Quest

I'm both astonished and embarrassed for Sunsoft. They usually make such good games. Also, is Fester supposed to be Curly from the Three Stooges here?

If you do decide to play this feces pile, I encourage you to quit directly after seeing this screen.

Here's a picture of the actual game. Those three toad/alien things will probably kill Fester, by the way. True story.

If you've ever been mildly interested in games for your NES, you probably know that Fester's Quest is trash. Once one hears this about a game – any game, not just older ones - there are two options: to run for the hills, vowing never to play such an abomination; or to eagerly pick it up, wondering what horrors await you. Let me just say, I encourage the latter. Sometimes I encounter a game (like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) that is universally panned and I end up seeing some good in it. Each person's observations and viewpoints about a game are different, thus one should judge each game for one's self. That being said, never play Fester's Quest. It is a broken, confused mess of a game that doesn't even try not to suck. Enemies take too long to kill. Fester is slow and unwieldy. You only have one life and "continuing" involves starting you over at the beginning of the level. Since it's technically an action/RPG, you have to figure out where to go through repeated trial and error. For those who are wondering and perhaps waiting for a full-blown review, it's never going to happen. I played this game enough to get a taste for it, that's it. No one – other than perhaps the Angry Video Game Nerd, bless his soul – should withstand such torturous, obscene game mechanics for the sake of the gaming community. Try to find the good in everything, I implore you. You'll be a lot happier person at the end of the day if you make that your goal. However, for the sake of your happiness and the goodness you believe to be in other people, do not go near Fester's Quest. Merry 21^st of December.

F

#224 - Ferrari Grand Prix Challenge

Oh look! A shot of a Ferrari racer on a racetrack. Insert witty quip here.

Turn the in-game music off, turn on some butt-rock, and just fly, baby (thanks to cvgm.net for the image).

Once upon a time, I was falling in love. Now I'm only falling apart. Nothing I can do... a total ECLIPSE OF THE HAW-AWT! I dedicate that song to my racing Ferrari, which I mutilated mercilessly. In my defense, I had no idea what I was doing. Hopefully it can find peace knowing that I was handling it in complete ignorance. Yes! Ferrari Grand Prix Challenge is a racing sim for your NES. It's not unique or overly showy. You race a Ferrari against other Ferraris in an attempt to see who will become Lord Over all Ferraris. Take your pick to race in an Automatic model (you fairy) or a 3-Way Shifter (the manly man option). Race a qualifying race to see how fast you are, then you're off to the real races with mean, ugly Ferraris who make fun of your Ferrari's overbite and smelly exhasust. The real races are tough, ain't gon lie. The more wear and tear you get on your racer by bumping into other Ferraris (incredibly easy to do, given their size), the less reliable your Ferrari becomes. The tracks get increasingly more windy and difficult. Thankfully, the controls are fairly tight. If your car's in good shape and you can get the hang of each track's layout, you'll be in like Flynt – or possibly Steve McQueen in various films where he drives a car really fast. Ferrari Grand Prix Challenge doesn't boast miracles, but it does deliver solid 8-bit formula racing.

C+

                   This one's for my Ferrari. Rest in peace, my mangled lovely.

#223 - Felix the Cat

                                         Top-hat Felix is here to save the day!

Felix chucking bombs out of a hot-air balloon shaped like his face. He is nothing if not vain and violent.

I never watched much of the "Felix the Cat" cartoon when I was a child. It was one of the few old cartoons that I couldn't find in syndication on cable. Nevertheless, I was always intrigued by the concept: a cute, happy-go-lucky black cat with a bag full of tricks that could contain just about anything. I loved the idea of Felix, but thanks to my cousin who had lived in Taiwan and brought back boatloads of manga and anime, I saw more of "Doraemon," which was arguably Japan's take on Felix. Doraemon was a happy-go-lucky blue cat-esque creature that could pull just about anything out of his pocket. He had his own manga and anime series and probably a million Famicom games. He was awesome and funny and a friend you would want as a child. I'm not sure if Felix is as cool as Doraemon and, as far as I know, hejust has this one game. Still, Felix the Cat is one of the best third-party platformers on the NES and that's nothing to meow about.

Sometimes after a long day at work, you want to sit down with a game that won't challenge you in anyway, yet still provide a fun experience. Felix the Cat is a perfect example. Much like the majority of Kirby games, Felix provides fun by way of transformation. As you go through the levels collecting little Felix heads (the equivalent of coins in a Mario game), occasionally power-ups pop out that will transform you into a stronger version of yourself. For example, in the first level you start out with just having a punching glove as a weapon, but once you upgrade, Felix can shoot stars all around his body. Upgrade again and he's now in a car and the car's honk is a weapon. Upgrade one last time and he's in a tank shooting shells at the poor frightened enemies. This is one example, and there are several levels where you can transform into other incarnations of yourself. My personal favorite is the underwater level where Felix rides around in a submersible shaped like his head. The transformations are key to the game's creativity and playability. Without them, Felix would be just another average platformer.

While I do thoroughly enjoy this game, a couple of flaws kept me from loving it more. For one, the level designs are non-descript. There are no real themes to many of the levels, other than your basic water, sky, land, space, etc. The backgrounds are bland, as well, which surprised me coming from Hudson Soft, the maker of the Adventure Island series. Also, as I mentioned previously, besides the transformations, there's nothing to this game. The enemies are boring, the action is pretty generic, but just when I was on the cusp of losing interest completely, Felix would morph into something I hadn't seen before and I'd enjoy the game all over again.

Hudson Soft certainly doesn't craft the most interesting platformers (Nintendo), nor the most action-packed (Capcom/Konami), but they do employ some of the most unique mechanics out of any platformer developer on the NES. Felix the Cat is arguably their peak. Enjoy it. It goes down smooth.

B+

#222 - Faxanadu

It's a nice change-of-pace to see a simplistic game cover like this. Well done, Falcom!

   Gemini Man got eaten by this dinosaur. Only King Arthur using Raphael's sai can reclaim it!

It's hard to properly review RPGs on this blog (unless, of course, they are as derivative as Faria), but what the heck! Faxanadu, ho! In all fairness, Faxanadu is an action-RPG, but it's a mighty long and difficult one. Story: elves versus dwarves, but things get more complicated. Blather and balderdash aside, you're a hero on a mighty quest and isn't that what's reallyimportant? Towns, weapons, needless grinding (though not too much) – it's all here! But like any discerning retro gamer, one takes a retro RPGs fundamentals, accepts them, then looks for the differences. In other words, what makes Faxanadu worthy to join the echelon of classic warrior tales on the NES? Well, the game is completely side-scrolling, which was fairly unique for even an action-RPG. The side-scrolling streamlines the exploration process, which can often feel like a chore in the majority of older RPGs. The battle system is a lot like Zelda II, but a little slipperier. Your character feels like he attached butter sticks to his feet and is always sliding around. Despite his butter slippers, what's nice about combat is that you don't really fight for experience. You fight for gold so you can buy the most expensive armor and weapons. You do gain experience, and in each town, there is a guru who will bestow different titles on you, depending on the amount of experience you have. All the titles do, besides make you sound attractive to the ladies ("why yes, I am a Paladin"), is give you extra gold every time you're bestowed a new one. So you see, it really does come down to the bling. And the women.

While I didn't dislike Faxanadu, I understand that it's a fairly revered cult classic. Certainly, it's better than a lot of similar-playing ilk on the NES, it has some interesting concepts, and I wouldn't suffer through a full play-through. It didn't capture my imagination like I had hoped it would, though, and that's what counts. Again, for those of you Faxandu-gooders who are frothing at the mouth, pitchforks in hand, read: it's not a bad game. I just wanted more.

B-

#221 - Faria: A World of Mystery and Danger!

              I wish the game were as interesting as this undercooked cover.

      This is the battle screen on the overworld, and that's all there is to say.

I enjoy old games, expecially NES games. If I didn't, then it would be downright masochistic of me to continue this blog, eh? That being said, just because I love old games doesn't mean I necessarily love old mechanics, especially those used in early Japanese RPGs. I know, I know: I gave all four Dragon Warrior games "A" scores. I respect the Dragon Warrior/Quest series because they were some of the first RPGs of their kind, inspiring countless imitations. While I think the first couple are outdated, they're still simplistic and charming if you care to invest the necessary time to complete them. Faria, however, is an RPG that desperately wants to ride on Dragon Warrior's coattails, with a dash of Zelda II apparel thrown in just 'cause. Unfortunately, said mixture is a surprisingly bland, tasteless affair, not at all pleasing to one's palate.

Faria has you inhabiting another nameless soldier off to rescue another nameless princess. Graphics? Quaint and sometimes terrible, especially when you're talking to the denizens of the towns. Music? Not at all interesting. "Random battles" is the keyword of the day, as you will be engaging in hundreds of them. It took me at least fifteen-to-twenty battles just to level up once, and you'll need to level up at least two-to-three more times in order to progress past the initial area. The battles themselves remind me of Zelda II, only from an overhead perspective instead of side-scrolling. Instead of a traditional RPG that gives you a menu and several options to choose from, here you can only hit the enemies that come at you. It seems ok at first, but it gets old quickly. You'll need Ultra Retro Gamer amounts of patience and maybe even an FAQ to venture past the initial areas, so only those with dozens of hours to lose in an boring, obscure RPG need apply.

I'm not surprised this game has remained obscure, even in our current age where unearthing awesome, unheard of old games is all the rage. Fariadoesn't even try hard. It simply hopes the Dragon Warrior formula will work for it. It doesn't not work, but it doesn't distinguish itself. It's a world of unappealing, unoriginal, uninspired gameplay.

D

#220 - Fantasy Zone

                                No, Fantasy Zone is not located in Tomorrowland.

This particular wooden-headed boss will frustrate you with his seed-spitting abilities.

I feel like I should have plenty to write about Fantasy Zone. Shmups are one of my favorite genres and I can play a simplistic 8-bit shooter as readily as I can a modern-day retardedly hard shooter. Alas, I find myself at a loss for this game. I've heard of the original Arcade and Master System versions, and though I didn't know Tengen had illegally ported Fantasy Zoneto the NES, I'm not exactly surprised. Trickery like that runs through Tengen's veins, and they're usually quite good at said adaptations (though when they suck, they really suck). Consider me underwhelmed with this particular port, then. Screenshots of both the Master System and Arcade games look visually arresting, with surprisingly magnificent use of the pastel end of the color spectrum. Both backgrounds and enemies are unique and the gameplay itself is novel: despite most horizontal shooters limiting your directional curve to the right, Fantasy Zoneallows you to turn around and fly back to the left. Sunsoft (the original developers) included this mechanic, presumably, because killing enemies generates coins which you can use to purchase better weapons and equipment. Enemies regenerate frequently, so if you really want to amass a bundle of coins, turning around is key. Inspired! While the Nintendo version retains the basic elements of the original Fantasy Zone, I'm surprised at how few enemies there are to shoot, at how bland the colors look, at how slow and pathetic your ship is without weapon and equipment upgrades, and (finally) at the unbalanced difficulty. Stages are too easy, while bosses can be quite difficult. My desire is to love all shmups, so admitting these realities to myself was depressing. Fantasy Zoneisn't unplayable, but it's definitely an inferior port of what is probably an otherwise fantastic shmup.

C-

#219 - Fantastic Adventures of Dizzy

        If this game was advertised on television, it couldn't possibly be bad!

                       I'm already reeling from how FANTASTIC this game is!

You may remember Dizzy the Egg from his previous adventures in, uh, Dizzy the Adventurer. While not a ground-breaking game, Dizzystood apart from a large portion of the typical side-scrolling tripe by incorporating "puzzle elements." Basically, "bring this particular item here" and "put this other item there" and so forth. It worked because it was straightforward and, while a tad easy, was engaging without being obtuse (despite the protagonist being a remarkable dolt, devoid of any meaningful personality). The "Fantastic" Adventures of Dizzy is everything its predecessor is not. It's non-linear (not always a bad thing, but here...), obtuse, and explains nothing about its intent. Is Dizzy simply trying to use the items of the world to save a princess? Is he collecting 100 stars and if so why? Why can he only hold three items and why is he forced to shuffle through them to get to the item he actually wants to use? Once again, Dizzy can't use any real weapons; instead, he is forced to use items he finds around the world, like weed killer to kill a one-hit-and-you're-dead venus Eggtrap. This didn't bother me as much in the previous game because a lot of the enemies you came across were incosequential and could easily be jumped over. Here you're often forced to take hits, which is, if anything, less than "fantastic." Speaking of which, here's what the ol' Oxford English Dictionary had to say about "fantastic": 1. "imaginative or fanciful; remote from reality." 2. "extraordinarily good or attractive." Well, if Dizzy was aiming for the former definition, he succeeded. Dizzy's game mechanics and overall skills as a protagonist are as remote from gaming reality as a game could be. If he was aiming for the latter, er, well, better luck next time.

D-

#218 - Family Feud

                                                      Yup... there's the stage.

                                Go on, answer the question... see what happens.

The people in Family Feud look like they got Joseph-and-his-Technicolor-Dreamcoat paint thrust onto them before being beaten with ugly sticks and shoved out onto the stage of the game show. The set of the show itself look like it came straight out of the 70s with its overwhelming Sunkist hue. I gotta be honest, looking at these trainwrecks and the overall vomit-worthy color scheme made me believe I was in for some nightmares. But I'll be darned, after playing the game for awhile... I kinda like Family Feud. It was a gameshow I always enjoyed watching on television, if only to see how random and ridiculous some of the answers were. Surprisingly, the show translates well into a simple NES game. The abridged (kind of) version of how to play: Two families go against each other in two rounds of answering question madness. An example question that may have between four and eight different answers: "Name a type of slipper." Whichever family buzzes with the right answer first, will then see if they can't fill in the rest of the answers. Three incorrect answers and the opposing family will see if they can answer it. After the initial two rounds, you have a bonus round where you have to answer some random questions. Beat the game (not hard to do at first) and it will inform you that you have to keep playing until you win $20,000 (each round, if you do really well, will only net you about $1000 at the most). As the game is fun, this shouldn't be hard to do, though it will take awhile. You can't save your progress throughout the game, so you're in it for the long haul if you want twenty Gs. Unfortunately, if you play often enough, the questions will repeat. Also, "winning" is worthless. You end up feeling like you earned the money, but it's all virtual. Never will you know what it's like to make it rain on your host, Richard Karn or whoever. Still, it's fun to believe you could.

B-

#217 - F-15 Strike Eagle

It's so realistic, they trained honest-to-God fighter pilots on this thing. The fighter pilots picked up the controller, played for a minute, laughed, and walked away.

                               No more blood for crappy "flight simulators"!

Our good friends MicroProse had the monopoly on developing crappy flight games based around military jets, apparently. No sooner do I fire up F-15 Strike Eagle than I hear the exact same title screen music that played on F-117A Stealth Fighter. Both games came out within eight months of each other and it definitely shows, as they essentially play, look, and sound the same. Here's the kicker: F-15 Strike Eagle, which came out earlier, is actually better. It's faster, has more things to do, and the missions are over before you think to yourself, "Hmm, I should hijack this plane and start a City War." The controls are the same as before: "A" fires your ratatats and "B" lets loose your kabooms. The kabooms are the only things that can take down enemy planes or the targets, and you have a limited number of them. In other words, don't go kabooming when you don't need to. Your missions seem to have some sort of Gulf War historical merit, as they all take place in the Middle East and the game itself was released in '92, but there doesn't seem to be any story in the game. Still, you get promoted if you do well on missions, which is kinda cool. Yes, F-15 Strike Eagle is technically a "better" game than its companion, F-117A Stealth Fighter, but I still can't recommend it. It's ugly, it's over way too fast, and the missions contain the same monotonous objectives. Go eat a big sandwich, F-15 Strike Eagle. You're in timeout.

D

Statistics for "D" and "E"

Statistics: I love 'em. You guys probably love 'em. As you know, after I've finished with a letter, I compile up a number of fun facts for people to look at. If you don't follow the site on a regular basis, it's a good way to catch up and see what you've been missing. If you do follow the site, it's like rereading a bunch of information you already consumed, but encapsulated within a single post! I combined the letters "D" + "E" because "E" only had four games. Expect this combining of letters to happen a lot more in the future.

I do believe the letter "D" has contained the most enjoyable games I've played by far. All the Dragon Warriors, Donkey Kong 3 (and the other Kongs, I suppose), Destiny of an Emperor, Deja Vu, hell, Dynowarz. Who would have thought I'd be so generous?

Here's the scoop:

Total number of games played that began with the letters "D" and "E": 56

The letter grade that got awarded the most: surprisingly, "B," with 20 times.

The letter grade awarded the least: "D." How ironic!

How many times did the Dragon Warriorgames contribute to the amount of "A"s awarded?: 4. All 4 Dragon Warriorswere awarded at least an A-

# of games that include the word "Dragon" somewhere in the title: 11. Urrbody loves dragons, I guess.

# of games I could stomach for more than 15 minutes: 39 (actual number may fluctuate depending on mood, busyness of day, and overall tolerance for pain – also may be completely inaccurate).

# of times I've wanted to quit this quest in the last two weeks: surprisingly, none. This quest has treated me (reasonably) well.

Biggest surprise: Destiny of an Emperor

Biggest disappointment:DuckTales–why couldn't it have been as good as when I was a kid?

Best overall game: Destiny of an Emperor (yup, it really is that good)

Worst overall game: Why choose just one? Dungeon Magic: Sword of the Elements, Dragon's Lair, Destination: Earthstar, Deadly Towers, Day Dreamin' Davey. If I had to pick just one, Day Dreamin' Daveybecause it was the greatest offense to my mind, body, and soul. Seriously, just jaw-droppingly bad.

Favorite review: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

#216 - F-15 City War

Nothing like soaring above the heavens to remind you that your task is to blow up an entire city.

              The poor office workers!!! (thanks to Consoleclassix.com for the jpg)

One, two, three, four, I declare a... F-15 City War??? That's a little bit more drastic than thumbs v thumbs, eh? Who would have the audacity to declare an F-15 City War? I'm not sure if there is an actual "legitimate" story to this game (i.e. a story that can be found in the manual which I do not own), as the game is quite the "hop in to your jet and start shooting" kind of affair. I'll just make up a story if that's alright? Alright? Alright? Very well. From what I can tell, you're a rogue citizen who has stolen an F-15 and declared war on the city of Anytown, U.S.A. Because you're a citizen run amok and the military is not currently ensconced in foreign war (in the game, mind you), they send their finest tanks, helicopters, and yes, naval battleships to stop you. You have five missions, each taking place in different parts of the city, but your objective is always the same: navigate around enemy fire and blow up as much of the military as you possibly can.

Were that story true, F-15 City War would have been surrounded by controversy, and like many controversial games, those who would have bought it expecting scandalousness would have been sorely disappointed. The game is a mixture of a 3-D shooter and a 2-D vertically-scrolling shooter, which sounds more interesting than it really is. The two viewpoints switch between levels, but the objectives in the levels are the same. 3-D levels are a touch harder, as you have to navigate around barriers and enemy fire and you're never quite sure how close the obstacles are to your F-15. The 2-D levels are very much an "homage" to Capcom's 19XX series, specifically 1942. The difference is in the execution. The 2-D levels are a lot slower than in 1942 – and the 3D levels, for that matter - with little to no challenge or need for precise movements. Helicopters come at you like they're begging for bullets. At least in the 3-D levels, they manuever out of the way. The controls are solid, at least. The F-15 has excellent manueverability, your machine guns fire fast and true, and your bombs explode like, well, bombs. There's just not much here to recommend. It's a very average game inspired by much better games. While I'm thankful I'm not choking on another depressing wannabe flight simulator, I still wish this game would have lived up to its morally ambiguous title.

C

#215 - F-117A Stealth Fighter

"The real stealth fighter experience" as long as you come into the game with no knowledge of what it would feel like to experience a real stealth fighter.

If you haven't already passed out from boredom, continue following the red arrow.

The majority of people on the planet will never be able to ride in a lightning-fast, high-powered military jet, hence why semi-realistic flight simulations like F-117A Stealth Fighterare made. In theory, games like this should accurately recreate the sense of speed and exhilaration one would feel in said craft, along with adding top-secret government missions that involve blowing things up in foreign countries. Well, in F117A, you do have top-secret missions and you supposedly fly a stealth fighter, but I'll be darned if it doesn't feel like you're riding in the Wright brothers plane. Your craft, and the game as a whole, is slowand almost unplayable. Each mission has you blowing up different structures or opposing airplanes that aren't stealth fighters, which is all well and good if it didn't take ten years to reach your destination. I'm not opposed to games taking their time, but at least give me something nice to look at or listen to. The graphics have a certain Atari glaze to them, inexcusable for a NES game released in 1992. Your stealth fighter makes blatting noises that obnoxiously complement the already irritating muzak. While no NES owner should desire a flight simulator for their NES given the system's limitations, the developer Mindscope should have put more effort into F-117A.

Earlier in my quest, I reviewed a game called Battle Tank, a tank game with objectives similar to F-117A. Instead of a plane,Battle Tank obviously places you in a tank and commands you to go blow up structures across arid wastelands. Sounds boring, but a certain serenity comes from driving one's tank and taking in the barren deserts. Like F117A, there were hardly any enemies to worry about, but enemies weren't the point. You were one with your tank and the landscape. This is what F-117A should have achieved and didn't. The game is a disgrace to the fighter that bears its name.

F

#214 - Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land

Despite the lack of quality in the actual game, this cover is kind of awesome.

                                 This is the best Wisdom Tree could do.

I grew up going to Sunday School and the story of Moses and the Israelites was probably in the top 5 of every kid's favorite Bible stories. There's everything: political drama, murder, betrayal, miracles upon miracles. Exodus, by those noble purveyors of illegal Christian software Wisdom Tree, scraps all of the awesomeness in the actual book of Exodus and replaces it with hardened cow patties. Remember when Moses slew the Israelites with his staff that casts electrical Ws? Or how about when he had to dig through chunks of rock and trees to collect bags of manna and question marks, so he could proceed to the next patch of desert? YEAH THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE PARTS TOO! Instead of making a game out of events of Exodus, Wisdom Tree decided what gamers really wanted was a collect-a-thon, and a boring one at that. There are no real puzzles to speak of, no obstacles to overcome. All that matters is that you get your manna and your question marks and move on to the next stage. Between each stage, there are five-question quizzes about the book of Exodus. Answering them correctly will procure you extra lives and continues and the like. The music, however, is the worst offense in a game stuffed to the brim with abominable content. "Father Abraham" is the one and only piece of music and it is played repeatedly until you poke out your eardrums or turn down the TV (and why "Father Abraham" in a Moses-centric game?). Were I a sheltered young Christian boy, forced to read only the Bible, listen to Steven Curtis Chapman, and play the Wisdom Tree games, I would rejoice over Exodus as it is the best of the bunch so far. Sad day.

D

#213 - Excitebike

                   Why yes, it does feel good to be a gangsta. Thank you for asking!

                      I predict the most wonderful amount of chaos on this track.

Excitebike is a racing boss. Forget a "Cool Runnings"-esque underdog, like Jamaica.Excitebike was, in the words of Sanka, "the damn Swiss": unbeatable in its time and one of the best racing games on the NES. Amazingly, it was a launch title that, along with Super Mario Bros, really displayed the power and uniqueness of Nintendo, both as a software developer and a hardware maker. If you grew up with this game, as I did, who didn't love just going really fast and crashing? When I was a kid, I'd bust a gut laughing, as I watched the poor racer and his bike twist and twist and twist over the platforms. "Selection B" which adds other computer racers to the soiree, triples the amount of fun one can have with crashing. Once one grows older, however, and the novelty of watching a Lego man crash and burn thousands of times has worn thin, the actual game beneath the blood y guts is quite fun. While there are only five tracks, each one has its own unique twists and turns. The difficulty varies, but the challenge is fairly solid throughout (especially if you want to be #1 on the 3^rdtrack – one minute and ten seconds for top time?! Yeesh!). "A" is accelerate, "B" is your turbo, but you have to watch your temp so you don't burn out your engine (turbo is a harsh mistress). As previously mentioned, "Selection B" on the title screen adds three more players to the same five tracks. They exist more to get in your way than they do to "beat" in the traditional sense, but they do make the game more difficult. And, for those budding architects/engineers/whatever, you could build your own tracks! And they could go on forever! You couldn't save them, but hey, this was 1985. My only real beef with this game is its lack of a two-player mode, as Excitebikewas made for it. Despite this, Excitebikehas a distinct charm and significant replay value, unlike the majority oif the NES launch titles. This is why Nintendo recently updated Excitebike for the 3DS and why the majority of retro gamers still uphold it as a rightful classic twenty-six years later.

A

#212 - Eliminator Boat Duel

                                      So this is what it's like to be colorblind...

            It's like Micro Machines. I mean it. It's exactly like Micro Machines.

Last night, I explained about the action that took place in, on, or around elevators between one rogue agent and the men in black. Tonight, I will throw you into the exotic and challenging world, where boats eliminate one another in a dueling fashion. The developer Electro Brain has concocted a series of races whereby you eliminatethe other racer. Well, you don't actually eliminate them. That would be murder. Instead, you "beat" a.k.a. eliminatethe opposing racer. The other racers are hard too. They're a bunch of aging hippie beatniks who were forced to become corporate, leaving them bitter and rich. In other words, they're racing for keeps. It's wise to leave no boost power-up behind on the waterways, as they will use their far superior hemp fuel to beat your pathetic fossil fuels. Study the tracks, learn where every power-up is, and victory (trophies and babes) shall be yours. Once the race is over, whether you win or lose, you are rewarded a certain amount of cash. You then have the option of maintaining or upgrading your boat. I recommend at least maintenance as your boat will take quite the thrashing. The course layouts themselves aren't very interesting and while the controls are surprisingly tight and excellent, the game doesn't maintain interest for long. This makes for some very average boat duels by one's lonesome, but two-player is highly enjoyable if only so you can bash and destroy your boats together.

C+

#211 - Elevator Action

Columbo takes a break from his cigar to bring you these important documents for your NES.

This is what happens when the lights go out. Kanye doesn't show up, thankfully.

Have you ever wanted to go from thirty-story building to thirty-story building, ascending and descending elevators, all while killing rows upon rows of government officials? I know I have, which is why Elevator Actionis the game for me. While the game may sound abundantly thrilling – Elevators! Men in black! Moreelevators! - it is, or at least it feels, very much like an Atari port. Which isn't bad! Your red-haired, red-shirted, red car-driving protagonist moves like he's carrying twenty-five sacks of quarters in his twenty-five dollar pants. That doesn't matter, though. As long as you can kill the men in black, ascend and descend on elevators and escalators with reckless abandon, and collect the documents in the brilliantly marked red rooms, you'll be just fine. I can see how this game could get tiresome after awhile. Every level looks the same, save for a different color palette over the building's interior. At this point in my playthrough, it has a Wrecking Crew-like appeal for me, albeit without the puzzle aspect that makes that game so darn underrated (Eggplant Men!). Elevator Action isn't top-quality NES gaming, but it is the best elevator-oriented action game ever made, so I suppose one could say, you can't front on that.

Nice touches: when you shoot out any of the dozens of lights, the whole building takes on a purple/black glow that's almost haunting. I would shoot out lights just to do it. Also, squishing badguys between floors? That's what's up. Lastly, after you complete a level, you peel away in your red sports car like a boss, and the accompanying sound effect coupled with the protagonist's uber-pixelly head in the car is comic gold.

B

                         You want to see how a real man rides elevators, baby?

#210 - Dynowarz: Destruction of Spondylus

I nominate this for the most epic NES cover ever. Boba Fett against a space T-Rex? Radical!

                                                    Is that Mother Brain???

The letter 'D' goes out with a bang with the brilliantly titled Dynowarz: Destruction of Spondylus. I for one feel that it was about time Spondylus got brought down a couple notches. See the game through to completion and what do you know! He gets destroyed! Bandai's take on Contra involves shooting segments, jumping segments, and robotic dinosaur in space segments. What more could a child of the 80s ask for? You begin the game underground as a wee little man. Once you shoot the appropriate amount of bad guys, you find your Mechanical Dinosaur Suit (there it was, next to the baking powder!), get in, and take down other likeminded little men in dinosaur suits. But in space! This game is Japanese to the core, which is really how it should be. Not much happens other than shooting, shooting, and more shooting, but can you really begrudge that against a game called Dynowarz? Enemies will drop weapon upgrades, some useful, some not. As a dinosaur, I enjoyed the fire pellets. As a wee man, I enjoyed the three-pronged gun. The game is not hard in the slightest, although jumping in what I assume is your gravity suit can be a nuisance, if you're not careful. Also, you only have one life, but you do have several continues and a password system. No crying allowed when you're fighting against the one and only Spondylus, the purveyor of every Dynowar since 32XX!

B